For the prompt, "Blowjobs are super helpful for calming people down."

He's always hidden it. Them.

Stiles doesn't actually mean to become Beacon Hills High's go-to guy for free condoms and sex advice. It just happens.

Derek and Stiles go hunting. Kind of.

Derek's expecting the new guy. He's expecting another mostly-useless college kid who doesn't know one end of a horse from the other, and Derek doesn't have the time to babysit. What he's not expecting is Stiles Stilinski, who carries on conversations with the livestock and gets maybe a little too chummy with Isaac and is really kind of stupidly perfect in every way. And it's just distracting, that's all.

Even though he’s making fun of it, Stiles thinks the whole thing sounds awesome and, like most stuff these days, the experience is going to be totally wasted on Scott.

Written for a prompt on the kinkmeme. TFLN: My dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for Sunday brunch next week. You in?

kalpurna: is it weird that I want an original character to call Stiles a cock tease and Stiles is like WHAT and Derek is like what. drunktuesdays: lol that's so specific! why? kalpurna: BECAUSE YOU MADE A TUMBLR POST THAT USED THAT PHRASE AND EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TEEN WOLF + PEOPLE SHOULD TRY TO GET ON STILES'S DICK AND DEREK SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT???? MAYBE I JUST LIKE TO THINK ABOUT STILES TEASING COCKS???????????????? For Kalpurna, from whom I stole all the best lines.

Derek is in the cell for about ten minutes before the lone door opens and a new body is tossed in. The person hits the floor with a grunt, rolls, and stands as the door is clanging shut. “That’s really not the way to treat a guest!”

Stiles wants to win for America, okay? He wants to bone that constipated expression off of Derek Hale’s face on a bed strewn with American flags while Bruce Springsteen plays in the background and a bald eagle watches through the window with a single tear rolling down its cheek.

Alternate Title: "Dick Failwolf, Private Eye." (Or, Derek's hit with a Film Noir curse, which forces him to narrate his own life in luridly-detailed prose.)

It’s not even a big deal. Frankly, Derek doesn’t understand what Laura’s problems is when she’s the one who used to tease him so much about his compulsive gym rat routine.

“Won’t you tell me what’s wrong, Gizheurann?” Mom asks when she finds you sobbing beneath the apple tree. The sound of your name only makes you cry harder. You hate it, like you hate everything about yourself, right now. Stiles has always thought he was under a curse. Fortunately or unfortunately, he's not the only one. Originally written for Mating Games challenge #5.

The whole thing starts with Stiles' naked body, which is, apparently, "perfect."

Stiles gets kidnapped by crazy hunters. It's super.