"I had a question for the Peak Lord," says Luo Binghe, voice sweet, eyes cold. "A dialect question." If Shang Qinghua was sweating before, he's dripping fucking rivers now. He and Cucumber-bro communicate in a horrible mix of memes, internet slang, Chinglish and modern Chinese, mostly but not entirely incomprehensible for any outsider. Luo Binghe had decided it must be some hometown dialect that they shared, despite any evidence of Shen Qingqui and Shang Qinghua ever speaking to each other before they both had the shitty luck to be transmigrated, and devoted himself to learning his beloved Shizun's birth dialect. Fuck! Why was Shang Qinghua dumb enough to have made it a plot point that Luo Binghe had a god level ability to pick up languages! .... right, so he could pick up some girl's dialect and seduce her more easily, but it wasn't fair that this monogamous version of his son could still do it, okay!!

“Sometimes when Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu make love-” Shang Qinghua thinks of the right way to phrase it, drawing on his extensive experience- “Shen Qingqiu’s heavenly pillar descends to Luo Binghe’s ravine, if you understand me,” he says, moving his eyebrows in a way that is meant to convey deep meaning. Mobei-Jun does not make an expression of understanding, but he’s watching Shang Qinghua very, very closely. “Shang Qinghua,” he says. “You want to be inside me?”

What sort of servitude ceremony was this? — In which Shang Qinghua didn't leave.

Sure, getting fucked by tentacles was a rare, once in two lifetimes kind of experience. But honestly, once you went demon dick there's no going back. OR Shang Qinghua (and Shen Qingqiu) gets tentacle-fucked but Shang Qinghua is still helplessly horny for a certain ice demon.

“He will know we are faking.” Mobei-jun says. “We’re sharing a room, how will he know?” “He has the room on the other side of the wall. We will have to share the bed.”

Shang Qinghua had not always been the most original author out there. If there was a bandwagon to jump on that could please his readers and put more money into his account so he could eat a bit less in the way of cheap instant noodles and a bit more in the way of slightly less cheap instant noodles, he was first in line to jump on it. There was a particular trend that had just started to become popular when he started his novel, and he was all too happy to run with it, adding his own twists to it as was necessary or convenient. If he had known that it would lead to this particular situation—! Well, okay, he probably would have written it in, as a future death held down by a shirtless Mobei Jun sounded infinitely more appealing than starving to death in his dismal little apartment. But at least he would have known what he was signing up for!

Shang Qinghua got hit with a sex pollen, and he knows his king won't save him. Cucumber-bro doesn't take pity on him; he calls Mobei-Jun, assured that Mobei-Jun won't let Shang Qinghua die.

"I accidentally created a whole real person to be my sexual plaything! And now I'm about to baby-trap him! In a trap that I also created! I'm pretty sure this isn't okay!"

So he might have, at some point, tried to figure out an OC for Mobei-jun to ship w fuck. Dude was so perfect, it was a shame his dump truck ass and sequoia thighs remained unembraced. (Also the whole "he's so mysterious and never opens up and unveils his deep thoughts and tender feelings except for me" fantasy but never mind all that.) He'd gone exactly as far as 'Meeting: why tf would he notice anyone. Enemies to lovers? No wait hed kill them straight away. Dashing rescue? Why does he need a rescue he's too cool and basically untrappable anyway, what are they rescuing him from socializing with his cousins lmao???' on his notes before giving up on making it realistic. The next scribble was 'cuz i said so ok next'. There had been no 'next'. His battery had died and when he managed to get home and get his laptop plugged in it was time for another word vomit on the topic of Bing-ge's meat truncheon. [Secret side-quest unlocked: Easter egg hunt! 1/536 discovered. Keep going!] [Category: "is it a headcanon if you didn't think it up with your upper head?" 1/413]

“...What are your thoughts on interspecies copulation?” he calls out.

Shang Qinghua peeked over his shoulder. “My king, ah, I’m really embarrassed.” “What are you embarrassed…” Mobei Jun started, eyes trailing down Shang Qinghua’s neck, stopping obtusely at his chest. Where Shang Qinghua was once flat, it now seemed that he had developed two round hills. -- In which Shang Qinghua plays around with his cultivation and encounters a slight problem. Of course, Mobei Jun is eager to help his husband.