The recorded number of times someone hit on Neil Josten and got nowhere, and the one time Andrew didn't even have to try.

“I can fake anything,” Neil says with a smirk. “Including passports, but those don’t come cheap.” “What about orgasms,” Andrew asks. (or, Andrew’s roommates are having noisy sex. Enter Neil Josten, actor extraordinaire and willing to help Andrew get petty revenge.)

In which anal sex is ruminated on, discussed, and joked about, but not actually had. Or, Andrew pokes and prods at his sexual boundaries a little at a time, as a treat.

This is how it starts, lately: words on an altar, tension thick like incense between them.

Five times Andrew wears lingerie just for himself, and one time he still wears it for himself but lets Neil enjoy it too.

“Neck fetish,” Andrew growls, yanking hard at Neil's hair until the skin at the back of his head prickles hotly. “Mm,” Neil hums. “Yours or mine?”

It's not a test. He isn't waiting to see when Andrew will crack, doesn't watch the bar more than usual when they go to Eden's; doesn't even think much about it at all until Nicky corners him in the bathroom at Sweetie's one night and asks, with a honey-smug smirk, about their sex life.

“Eat my ass,” Andrew says, shoving his middle finger in Neil’s general direction. He goes back to scooping cookie dough onto the baking sheet, but the sudden silence from his usually so argumentative boyfriend unnerves him enough to glance over his shoulder. Neil clears his throat. He’s bent low over his papers, but his eyes aren’t moving anymore and his ears have turned curiously red. “I would, if you wanted me to,” he mumbles, almost too quiet to hear.

What's a guy to do when he's forced to go to his conservative, homophobic aunt and uncle's for Thanksgiving dinner? Why, invite along his ex-con, tattooed, argumentative roommate as his fake boyfriend, of course.

The rise and fall of the Minyard-Josten Rivalry. Usually when Neil starts shit in a post-game press interview, he does it on purpose. This time, he really just meant for it to be a joke. “How do you feel about the possibility of ending up on a team with a former Fox teammate?” is the next question. “Great,” Neil answers, sincere. “I would love to play with Matt or Kevin again.” “What about Minyard? Would you sign with Atlanta?” Neil says, “Andrew? He’s a nightmare.” He knows it’s a joke. His team knows it’s a joke. Andrew will know it’s a joke. The press does not seem to know that it’s a joke.

"Never have I ever wanted to kiss Neil."

He can’t even blame Neil. He wants to, it would be so easy to, but even if it was Neil’s fault that Andrew couldn’t stop thinking about it, Andrew had been the one to bring it up. Mostly by pulling a thick, ridged black dildo out of his drawer one day and saying, “I want to fuck you with this. Yes or no?”

Back inside the Maserati, high off life and the music that is Andrew’s laugh, Neil says, “I want to blow you.” The only visible reaction is the way Andrew's pale fingers become even more so as they grip the steering wheel tighter. The open book expressions of most people are found in Andrew between the lines of his eyebrows and the grip of his fists. “Yes or no?” The wooded back roads of South Carolina speed past in the driver’s window beyond Andrew’s profile. Neil can feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. A deep breath. "Yes."

"You paid for the deluxe package," Neil says as he scrolls through his payment history to find his client's invoice. His system is simple: Basic Package: Fuck you. A general statement of displeasure and a brief description of the wrongdoing. Intermediate Package: Fuck you, with passion. Everything in the basic package, but with additional insults. Customizable for an extra fee. Deluxe Package: Fuck you to hell. Everything from the first two packages, for an extended period of time, and with extra viciousness. And it looks like Andrew Minyard is the unlucky soul today.

There’s no such thing as perfect compatibility when it comes to sex. Andrew figures Neil is probably the best he’s ever going to get.

“If you’re really sure,” he starts, and Neil nods along. “I could do it.” “Uh,” Neil says, and suddenly his thin sweats and shirt feel far too hot. “What?” “If you want,” Andrew says, looking Neil straight in the eyes, determination burning Neil up inside. “I could help.” “You would—,” Neil says and Andrew doesn’t even wait for him to finish before nodding. “Why?” “You don’t want your first time to be with some frat boy. Trust me, you don’t,” Andrew says. “If you decide sex isn’t for you, you don’t want that to be your only experience. You need someone who’s good.” Neil swallows heavily. “And that’s… you?”

It's always Andrew's goal to stretch Neil's pleasure to its limits, and he's barely begun to scratch the surface.

“I bet the monster will come alone again this year,” he says, his voice scratchy like the sound of a blender in the early hours of the morning. Aaron stiffens beside his brother, shoulders creeping up to his ears before he opens his eyes. He turns to Seth with a sneer. In seconds, Aaron had gone from asleep to fully awake, an anger simmering under the surface of his skin, water boiling over. “I’ll take that bet,” Aaron says, face a blank slate, anger cooling behind his eyes. If this were still college, Aaron would’ve let anger take over, let fists fly. With age, Aaron had learned that there are crueler things than violence. “Five hundred bucks,” Seth replies, eyes sparkling in amusement. He’s got the face of someone who thinks they’ve won. “A thousand,” Aaron counters. Andrew’s eyebrow twitches up imperceptibly, a feeling like a laugh bubbling up his throat. __ In which Neil and Andrew are secretly married.

“Is there a reason you don’t like Neil?” Bee asks him then and Aaron doesn’t understand how the fuck they got onto this when she’s supposed to be fixing him and Andrew. “I don’t trust him,” he says eventually. “All he’s done since he’s got here is cause trouble.” “Well, a lot of that was out of Neil’s control,” Betsy reminds him evenly. “That doesn’t suddenly make him a good person.” “Watch him then.” Aaron startles so much at Andrew’s voice he twists in his chair to stare at him. Andrew hasn’t addressed him directly all day but he’s looking at Aaron now. “You think he’s using me or trying to fuck me over or whatever’s going on in your head- watch him. Watch us for the next week. Stop averting your gaze and pretending it doesn’t exist and then I might listen to what you have to say.”

The third time Nicky asks him about it, he says, “I am already dating someone.” This is a lie. Nicky’s face unfurls like a clearing sky, eyes widening and jaw dropping. “You don’t say! Who is it?” Andrew’s mind flies in a thousand different ways, grasping for an answer, a diversion, another lie. Out of the corner of his eye, he glimpses Neil walking out of the locker room, hair damp and bag slung over his shoulder. “Neil,” Andrew tells Nicky, and Nicky gawps, shocked and famished for more information. “I am dating Neil,” Andrew says. (or: in which Andrew and Neil - due to purely rational, strategical, and beneficial reasons - convince everybody that they are dating)

“Andrew doesn't love me,” Neil said simply, “So if he has a love language, I don't know it.” “Oh, honey.” Allison drawled, “You don't actually believe him when he says he hates you, do you?”

Neil tries to get away from a boring conversation and accidentally ends up asking the most popular guy in school to dance with him at the winter formal.

That Andrew likes Neil being vocal in bed -- that’s a key, and Neil intends to use it. This is something that Neil can give Andrew, a thing Andrew likes, that doesn’t involve touching or crossing boundaries Andrew is not yet ready for Neil to cross. Besides, if Neil is good at anything besides Exy, it’s running his mouth. Or: Neil learns that Andrew "I'm An Instigator At Heart And So Are You" Minyard might just like hearing Neil express not only his consent, but his enthusiasm, when they're in bed.

“Wait, it’s my turn,” Allison said, pushing herself further upright. She swayed dangerously, then narrowed her eyes and pointed at Neil. “We’re still targeting him, right.” “Jesus,” Aaron muttered. “Could you guys seriously—” Nicky clapped a hand over Aaron’s mouth. “Yes,” he said. “Definitely. Make the boy drink.” Aaron shoved him off and sulked at the edge of the fire, nursing his drink. “Alright,” Allison said. “I've got it. Never have I ever—told Andrew I love him.”

Andrew is a sports photographer with terrible coworkers, Neil is a professional Exy player who mixes reporters' tears with his electrolytes, Nicky thinks Andrew needs a boyfriend, and Kevin just wants to stop ending up as their third wheel.

Neil and Andrew handle press duty, and Neil is asked about his relationship status.

“Can I help you pick something?” Andrew turned, ready to say no thank you and instead froze in place, the purple vibrator held chest height between him and the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. The tag on his floral shirt read Good Vibrations and just underneath that, Neil. Neil stood there all open and relaxed, a gentle curve of pink lips, unruly auburn hair hovering over sparkling blue eyes. Andrew’s mouth snapped shut. He put the box carefully back on the shelf and walked out of the store without a word.

An full length ficlet extension of my tumblr headcanon which ends with Andrew revealing Neil has a neck fetish on live television. -- Written for the anon who asked: omfg can i pleASE get an extension of the last part of your andreil and subtle touches headcanon? the part where andrew's like "josten has a fucking neck fetish"

You want to fuck Neil, Andrew says, like it's nothing.

Three days after he signs his death sentence to Palmetto State, five after Andrew Minyard knocks him breathless to the ground, Neil's gaze snaps to the locker room mirror and stares, frozen, at the word threat scrawled along his spine in terrifying bold. All in all, he isn’t thrilled about the situation this puts him in, but based off the negative connotation, it isn’t one-sided, either. On the bright side, at least this means his soulmate doesn’t harbor any delusions of grandeur.

Neil thinks sex with someone you care deeply about is great. But sometimes, something else is just more interesting, you know? Five times Neil gets distracted from sex and one time Andrew does.