Making a dick joke was a strategic error. You put the subject on the metaphorical table. You're now thinking about troll dick.

Prompt: Let's have a thing where going God Tier has made the humans' genetic material and other bodily fluids sparkly and rainbow colored. Then let's take that thing and make it into another thing where we see the reactions of all the trolls to this. GOGOGO!

"The first watch keeps the correct time. Always. Terezi tried starting out of sync the third time they played this game, but without that one thread of the right beat to cling to, the grating wrongness of the other watches knocked Dave out of the mood long before he could hit trance state." Terezi/Dave, idiosycratic forms of bondage.

The thing about Karkat Vantas is, he might be a pompous, noisy windbag with an inflated opinion of his own importance, and if he was suddenly struck down by some kind of vicious troll laryngitis the universe's total amount of chill and quiet would suddenly go up three levels... But turns out he's also a great fuck.

Dave nods. "Most of the inhabitants of this sorry rock," he confides, "cry themselves to sleep at night at the knowledge that you beat them to the incomparable prize of Dave Strider's undivided affections." There's not enough irony left in this poor depleted universe to sustain statements like that very often, so he kisses Tavros again before he can talk himself into actual sincere confession time.

In which a mutant too famous to cull is dropped like a grenade into the midst of the peace process, a foolish monarch proves himself secretly shrewd, the power of friendship functions as a force multiplier, and it is discovered that in the Great Game of espionage, the dealer does not always win.

Dirk laughs, presses his lips to the sweat-drenched nape of your neck, lets his teeth scrape the skin. "Don't worry, babe, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I've got something special for you. Get up."

"At first you'd thought Terezi felt a little left out of this clusterfuck of a relationship, always watching you and Karkat at each others' throats and goading each other on, but you've come to realize that she doesn't mind being a little on the sidelines. Correction: she gets off on it."

Karkat has gone really still. He opens his mouth. Closes his mouth. Opens his mouth-- "No. On second thought, no. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I said I would do this. I have never had even the slightest desire to do this." "Uh," John says. "Okay?"

Everything is more fun when there's something at stake, right? Swinging ought to be the same.

"You've got no fucking clue which end is up about this kind of thing, do you?" Karkat asks, almost gently. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone off on you. You're such a huge bitch it's easy to forget you weren't hatched like this."

When all they have left to hold onto is each other, how can they ever let go?

There are some things you have to do as a friendleader, and some you have to do as a friend. Sometimes, it's the same thing.

Karkat is all for cultural exchanges and trying to see each others point of view, but there is such a thing as going too damned far.

When Gamzee takes it up a notch in his attempts to court Dave into being his kismesis, Dave decides he can't just ignore it any more. Cue lengthy Karkat Vantas rants and awkward teenage boy fumblings. Slightly aged up AU where everyone is one big, dysfunctional family on the meteor while they wait out their three years.

Dave can't talk dirty without making a fool of himself; to no one's surprise, Karkat is a screamer; and in summary, Dave and Karkat are terrible people to room next to.

"They just watch," John says, kicking the mop bucket into the broom closet after a hard day's asteroid-cleaning. "I guess chores are like a spectator sport for trolls? It's pretty weird! But... that's trolls for you!"

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window. There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen. “Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says. And then it swallows you.

It just figures that when Karkat finally finds that special someone he hates more than he hates himself, that person turns out to be the guy who's essentially his clone, but fifty million times more annoying.

Dave doesn't always understand the nature of troll romance, but most of the time he doesn't need to.

“Okay,” he says, “Do it again.” “—————,” replies Karkat.

He could gag himself with how deep in this he is. In which Dave and Terezi share in sweet interspecies lovemaking and realize that being born universes apart lends itself to some discrepancy in the biological department.

*wife *actnion *actino *action Roxy and Tavros roleplay as husband and wife. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Written for the kink meme!

Having an alien boyfriend is a little like an adventure and a little like a science experiment. Fortunately for you (and for your alien boyfriend), those are both things you really like.

eridan is so tolerable when he can't talk

Someone demanded human/troll kismeses having anal sex, with those headcanons: #1 Since trolls have nooks, anal sex is regarded as strictly taboo. Or not even taboo, perhaps just really odd and kinky, like, why would you put that there??? #2 Anal sex is strictly reserved for the caliginous quadrant, as a means of showing dominance over your partner. I don’t mean non-con or even dub-con; after a bout of fighting or arguing or whatever, the winner can choose to propose it and the loser can choose to accept it as an expression of rightfully-earned submission.

They've been looking for a cure.

It's not a glamorous job, but you can set your own hours, the pay rate is good now that you know what you're doing, and it leaves you with enough free time to enjoy your hobbies. You like to think you're doing pretty well for yourself.

Sollux has two wriggling gifts for Karkat. The first is a traditional Wriggling Day present, complete with wrapping and bow. The second one wriggles in an entirely different manner.

Terezi is the best at sexting.

You spend the hours after you wake up pacing your hive, your stomach threatening to upturn and your bulge threatening to unsheathe. You're excited to the point that you're dripping with more than just sweat, yes, but you're also beyond nervous. Besides what you assume are the usual worries -- what if he doesn't show up, what if he takes one look at your butlerbot and is so unimpressed -- there's also the tiny little fact that you've never done any of this before. At all.

He just knows that Nepeta has been growing like a midblood, fast and hard, and either he's growing slow like a highblood (hah) or he's done already. And this should piss him off, and it vaguely does, even now, but they were having such a nice time reminiscing and then he tripped in the dark and she caught him, sure and effortless, and it was like every romcom ever only he was the heroine. The ensuing makeouts he blames on the alcohol. Not to say that when she lifted him off the ground by the waist to pin him to a tree and bring to more comfortable kissing height, his nook didn't flood like someone had dynamited a giant fucking dam.

You sit down in your computer chair and try not to squirm or shiver too much when she brushes your hair back from your earflap. You've never had anything pierced, and you think it probably can't be worse than getting injured during the game, but it's hard to relax all the same. You weren't just sitting and waiting to get hurt then. "Aight," Meenah says. "Let's get this shoal on the road." "Do it," you say. You close your eyes.

Karkat takes his time; this trick he has learned from several drill sergeants and then from being a drill sergeant, and learned well. When you're not sure what the fuck to do with a subordinate, take your time thinking it out. There is almost no way they will notice you're completely lost at sea: they'll be too busy freaking out. It's a technique he could have used more of when he was a kid. He really has no idea what to do with the guy. -- Sequel to Uniform Kink, a pesterlog/cybersex fic in which Karkat accidentally gets Equius hot under the collar with mentions of the uniform that comes with his promotion, and then decides to run with it. -- Now with Equius POV epilogue! 2000% more fluff.

“You have tits? When did that happen??” He facepalms; “Last molt,” he grumbles from behind his palms. “When you disappeared for a while? That’s what that was?” “Yes Dave, when trolls reach that special molting phase, they grow rumblespheres. Mammals.” He spits the last word as a curse and you’re pretty sure you’re offended.

Homo sapiens domesticus Humans (Homo sapiens domesticus) are short-lived primates of the family Hominidae, and the only existant species of the genus Homo. They originated in Africa, and spread to other continents of planet Earth within a megavorn. While fractious and warlike in their wild state, they are easily trained to a useful function.

noviblue asked: 1. Bro/Signless (my rarepair

The whole thing starts with Stiles' naked body, which is, apparently, "perfect."

In which Derek finds Stiles in a compromising position.

Stiles gets friendly with a Tentacle Monster.

I love dogs. I've always loved dogs. The post-credit scene you can't take your kids to see.

Contains Pail-Free Xenosexual Relationships Between a Male Mutant Troll and Male Human for the Purpose of Exhibitionistic Sexual Gratification, Polyquadranted Individuals Presented in a Neutral or Positive Way, and Puppets Used in Several Perverted Ways, One of Those Puppets Depicting a Rad as Fuck Big-Nosed Allusion to Our Glorious Empress, Which She in Her Wisdom Has Allowed to Keep Existing Because Damn Straig)(t I Got Da Biggest One.

"Whatever nasty ideas I just gave you, go for it. I'm your kinky alien sex toy for the night or whatever," and with Terezi looming over you and Karkat's big hands on you that's suddenly a seriously, intensely possible thing. You are having a vision of the future and it involves a lot of troll junk.

There's passages between this world and another one, across the universe and on the other side of Time. Whether Dave realizes it or not, Time is his Aspect, and that means he has access to things that other people don't. Like the caverns between realities, where Time doesn't sit still and everything isn't exactly how it should be. It's a place that he can use to escape, somewhere he can go to think, where nobody else can find him. But Dave isn't the only being across the multiverses who is connected with Time, and he's not the only one who wants a place to hide from the real world.

This particular smuppet is sewn out of some kind of blatantly artificial orange microfiber, the nap of the plush so silky it almost feels slick. When you give it a squish the body seems more firm than his regular model, denser. Bro usually keeps his toys light, too fluffy to feel like anything but props and puppets, but this one’s pleasantly dense and heavy. You don’t think you’ll be ripping it apart as easily as the last few. And then, of course, there’s the unusual addition of a tail.

"Yo. S'obvious our previous tricks aren't gonna work the same anymore, so let's open the floor to suggestions."

Dave and Karkat have storytime with the trollmance novel. -If Dave isn’t going to get jolly over some fantasy troll getting eaten out, he is maybe going to get a little jolly over Karkat getting jolly over some fantasy troll getting eaten out.-

John Egbert is totally the master of hateflirting.

You are suffering. There is a brand new circle of troll hell, and you're the lucky asshole who gets to experience it firsthand. You might have been making your peace with your eventual doom since you pupated, but nothing could have prepared you for this. Kankri is lecturing you. Ok, no, that's not even a fair description of what's happening here. Kankri is lecturing you. Kankri has been lecturing you. Kankri has been lecturing you for two fucking hours what the fuck. You have given him... let's count it up now... yeah, exactly zero reasons to do this to you. You don't even have a single goddamn clue about what has him so spun up. He happened to come back to the hive while you were making the thirty second trip between your husktop and the food preparation block, and you said hi. This is what happens when you try to be polite. All you wanted was an energy drink.

He pushes off the bed in one smooth motion, and your bloodpusher skips a beat as he takes a step towards you. “Really.” “If, if you’re trying to imply anything lewd—” “Lewd? Seriously? You sound like Zahhak.” Another step. Your voice is too shrill when you ask, “But are you?” He braces one hand against the wall over your shoulder, tilts his head to the side, and smirks in that infuriating, awful way. “What do you think?”