No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

Aka everyone is a superhero or a sidekick or a damsel in distress in true comic style. Includes terrible hero names, almost everyone wearing spandex (Sakumo why must you be sensible and break the mold you nerd), ridiculousness, secret identity fails, and all of my favorite crack pairings. I would be sorry, but that would require a sense of shame and I misplaced mine long ago.

If this airship lasts through one more round of Fire Country, it will be a miracle, Orochimaru thinks.

“You sure you want to do this?” Tōka asks, doesn’t let her gaze waver from the mercenary with a gun to her cousin’s head. Her own are completely steady, and she doesn’t miss a step as she turns, following the woman’s retreat deeper into the cave. “Sorry, Tōka,” Mito says, and the tone is light but there's a look in her eyes that Tōka is fairly sure is rueful. “I'm too pretty to stay in prison for the rest of my life."

Sakumo loses a bet and has to cover the fashion beat for a week. It's not nearly the trial he expected it to be.

“I think,” Shisui declares, and kind of distantly hopes he isn’t about to die a messy death, “that this calls for a kidnapping.” There's a moment of absolute silence. “What,” Utakata demands.

As Haku sends them roaring away from the dock, Asuma's powder ignites, sweeping a cloud of fire across the side of the prison. It clings like napalm, settles on the stone and starts eating through it, and Asuma slouches back into his seat next to Zabuza with a satisfied smile. “Pretty good for a night’s work,” is his verdict. Ino laughs, leaning forward as her long hair whips out behind her. “Asuma-sensei, did you find a partner?” she asks delightedly. “In prison?” Shikamaru mutters judgmentally.

Kakashi has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants Tsuna to survive, but at least the company is agreeable. And cute.

Shikamaru squints at him out of one eye. “Omoi,” he says, exasperated. “I'm going to be the first Avatar to ever throw the world out of balance,” Omoi says. “I'm going to cause—” “—me to go prematurely bald,” Shikamaru interrupts, and reaches up to grab his wrist, dragging him down onto the blanket next to him.

Zabuza fishes a dying Konoha nin out of the Nakano. That one action is the falling stone that kicks off an avalanche.

“He’s hot, isn't he?” Izuna asks, stealing one of Tobirama’s pens. Entirely distracted by his thoughts, Tobirama grunts in agreement, then realizes exactly what he was confirming and snaps his head up to glare at Izuna. Izuna just laughs in his face, and Tobirama groans and presses a hand over his eyes.

“Fuck, you too?” is the first thing Zabuza says to him after a solid five years apart.

Edward, Tobirama, some accidental dimension travel, and questions of methodology. Plus snark.

“Who the hell are you supposed to be, un?” Deidara demands, bristling. “The villain from a shitty Princess Gale movie?”

Sirius Black grabs his godson and flees to Italy after Godric's Hollow. Landing in the middle of organized crime, curses, and malevolent ghosts was most definitely not part of the plan, but there might be a few perks.

Zabuza's got a thing for vicious, especially when it comes wrapped up in a cute package.

“I want it known that I'm only allowing this under protest,” Kakashi says dryly. Zabuza rolls his eyes, leaning back against a tree and watching the trio on the bridge with amusement. “Yeah, you’ve said that. I don’t think the Hokage was impressed, either.”

She’s barely days away from finally challenging Yagura for his seat, so of course Zabuza chooses now to make himself a problem.

That’s a nice face, Genma thinks. A hell of a nice face. And the biceps that are as big around as Genma's head are nothing to sneeze at, either. “Genma,” Aoba starts, a warning in his voice, but in the same moment the bigger Swordsman laughs again, leaning down, and instantly three of the genin swarm him. He boosts them up, then rises easily, like the weight of three genin is nothing at all, and Genma watches them laugh and cling to his shoulders, his arms, and licks his lips. “Genma,” Aoba says, and that’s his judgey and horrified tone.

Kakashi’s senses keep going haywire, and Genma is pretty sure he’s the only one who notices.

Jason wrestles the crazy, half-feral ninja to the ground ten blocks from the building he blew up with magic, which means it’s probably a Thursday in Gotham.

“This,” Xanatos says with perfect conviction, “is going to be an absolute disaster, I can't believe you agreed to this.”

“Are you really sure this is necessary?” Jon asks, faintly hunted.

With a sound of quiet sympathy, Kit reaches out, tapping his knuckles lightly against Rex's pauldron. “Forgive me, Captain, but I believe you would be far more comfortable without your armor. The beach cannot be a pleasant place for you right now.” Rex pauses, almost startled by the idea of taking his armor off. He’s on a mission, or at least the disastrous tail end of one, and unless he’s on leave, he almost never strips down to his blacks. And it’s been…months, since his last stretch of leave that wasn’t cut off before it even started. “Oh,” he says dumbly, and then flushes, reaching for the clasps on his armor. “Right, sorry, sir.”

Agen digs his fingers into the silver-veined bark, smiling a little. Pushes upright, flicking his hair back behind his shoulder, and pulls his outer robe off, draping it over a branch. “A trooper in distress,” he says, stepping forward. “I believe Jedi are supposed to rectify such things.” Two pairs of dark eyes snap to him, and Fives's widen with glee. He wriggles harder under Echo's pinning weight, like a landed fish, and cries, “General Kolar, help! I'm being overrun!”

“Soon, padawan,” Qui-Gon says, and Obi-Wan doesn’t appreciate the amusement in his voice at all, but his disgruntled look doesn’t win him anything except a raised brow and the calmly bemused glance that always makes Master Windu eye Qui-Gon’s hair like he’s about to pull on it.

“Well,” Kit says lightly. “This does seem to be a predicament, doesn’t it?” Pressed right up against him, gauntlets digging bruises into his almost-bare hips, Dogma squeezes his eyes tightly shut. “I'm going to kill my whole squad,” he says, perfectly certain and resigned to it.

“Queen Miraj is going to betray you,” Feral says, and Cody practically jumps out of his own skin.

Maul is going to make himself a widower in short order.

“You know,” Shaak says, and watches the man jerk upright with wide eyes. She smiles careful not to show teeth, and pulls herself out of the water just enough to fold her arms on the stone, resting her chin on them. “I usually eat Men like you.”

“Sure you've got enough in there, Senator?” Cody asks, warily eyeing the crate two of his brand-new aides drop with a heavy thud. “There's more on my ship if I need it,” Padmé says mildly, and when Cody turns his wary gaze on her instead, she smiles, perfectly demure. “Captain Rex was kind enough to stand in for you when I visited my favorite tailor. A senator needs a wardrobe, after all.”

The planetary security forces have captured a Sith, and Maul has nothing but a bad feeling about this.

There’s something strange about the bounty hunter the marks hired for this job, but Granta can't quite put his finger on it.

“You're not very good at this, are you,” Fox says flatly. It has only passing resemblance to a question.

Everyone is whispering that a Jedi saved the Mand'alor’s aide.