“Derek,” Cora growls from halfway across the Quidditch pitch, her bat paused mid-air like she’d been about to go for a swing. “What the holy hell is your weirdo Gryffindor boyfriend doing?”

The one where the Talia Hale is the sister of Morticia Addams and the Hales are a little kookier than they were in the show. Also, you know. Alive. This is Derek's story.