Podfic of The fic where Yuri Plisetsky is grossed out by adults by DoomedTemperament Yuri has more or less grown a begrudging respect for the other skater, and he’s not quite as fond of kicking the snot out of him like he was before (“teen angst”, Yuuri’s mother had called it in a weirdly affectionate way.) But there are still things that Yuuri does that piss him off. He’s hardly used to Victor still being in the area, and his crush has still gone unacknowledged. Maybe it’s time for Yuri to “help.” (Fic based off a tumblr prompt.)

It starts when he’s five, when his mother brings home a bag of fortune cookies and explains what the strips of paper inside them are for.

When Harry was eleven years old, his Hogwarts letter came by owl. He'd been accidentally blowing windows open and lighting cauliflower on fire for years. James took Harry to go get his wand at Ollivanders, and Lily took Dudley to the Owl Emporium where he tried to convince her they should build an aviary in the backyard. They came home with a fat black cat who hissed at everyone. Dudley named him Spooks, and Lily called him Monster. "Did you have to?" said James. "That is the meanest beast I've ever met, and I've known Remus unmedicated on full moons and a pubescent Sirius thwarted in love." Lily, who had ink on her cheek and a ballpoint pen stuck behind her ear, waved vaguely at the living room without looking up from her arrest report. Dudley was asleep in an armchair. The cat sprawled across his lap. Both its front paws were wrapped around Dudley's arm as it cleaned his wrist with aggressive fondness. "Alright," said James. "Yeah, you had to."

Nana heralds from a family of serial killers. She neglects to mention this to her husband, but when Iemitsu makes it clear he doesn’t expect Tsuna to join his family, Nana brings him into hers. This becomes a problem when Iemitsu changes his mind...

Jupiter Jones needs a green card. Caine Wise needs a place to live. What's a little marriage of convenience, between strangers? AU based on the movie Green Card.

Three years is a long time to fake-date your friend as a favor. Flower, Véro, and Sid maybe need this pointed out for them.

On the one hand, it's pretty much the weirdest turn of events to ever hit the world in the history of ever. On the other hand, at least it happened during the off-season.

On the government's classified mutant register—and on the NHL's records—Sidney is listed as Sidney Patrick Crosby, Nova Scotia, Canada: Class Two. Death visions, skin contact required.

"If he doesn't kill you," X answers, "He makes you stronger."

So Artemis Crock is a princess now, apparently. (A Princess Diaries AU.)

The last thing anyone expected was for the older twin to manifest Cloud Flames. (Or the one in which Tsuna is Xanxus' Cloud Guardian, flat-out terrifies anyone who's heard about him, has a younger brother who loves him, is possibly in a queerplatonic long-distance relationship with Hibari but will never admit it, and is the big brother you never knew you wanted in your life.)

Keith thinks he's about to get rickrolled. Keith is mistaken. When he opens the email, all it says is Saw this and thought of you, happy birthday buddy, followed by a link to a video hosted on a Google drive. Keith gives it a long look, weighing suspicion against curiosity, the fact that he knows the sender of the email against the fact that he knows the sender, and then shrugs suspicion aside. He's probably about to get rickrolled, but whatever. He clicks the link. It's not a rickroll.

"I don't mess with the fae," Otabek says. "I'm not asking you to mess with them," JJ flat-out lies.

In which there are vampires and hunters and watchers and humans, Yamamoto Takeshi is more than a little bit crazy, and Gokudera Hayato is caught in between a whole bunch of loyalties and duties.

“Aw, come on,” says Anakin, glaring at the dice as if they’ve personally offended him. “You roll twenties for Ahsoka and not for me? I own you, you fuckers, the least you could do is do me a favor every once in a while.” or: Anakin Skywalker's terrible luck strikes again at the worst time.

Derek thinks that the mating rituals are overly romanticized bullshit, but claiming a mate and defending them from challengers is something werewolves do, and his pack can't afford to appear weak after the fire. Especially not when Deucalion and his friends are in town for the rituals. Enter Stiles Stilinski, who offers to let Derek claim him so he won't be overrun at the ceremonies. Nothing goes as expected.

This is a dark Alternate History arc that follows what might happen if Mukuro had decided to make Xanxus his tool of conquest instead of Tsuna.

Genma’s last memory of Uchiha Obito is from childhood so many years ago, a boy with a bright smile, always willing to help no matter the consequences, with an ego just a size too large and dreams he hadn’t yet grown into. It is, he thinks, a stark contrast to now.

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

An AU oneshot based off of my fic "An Invincible Summer" The Massacre was prevented, and some things stay the same, but a lot of things are different. Mostly that Natsu ends up with a different Uchiha.

“Oh?” Orochimaru asks sweetly, trying to judge the room they're in. Some sort of military headquarters, predictably. “They let me keep my doctorates? How kind. But I assume this wasn’t a test of how many low-level guards I could put in the morgue—” “Three,” the younger soldier standing at Danzō’s shoulder cuts in, righteous anger darkening his features. “Three in the morgue, six in the hospital.” “Oh my, you caught me on an off day.” Orochimaru gives the young man his best flirtatious smirk. “Come back tomorrow and I promise, I’ll at least double both counts.” (Or, that Suicide Squad!AU no one asked for and no one wanted, but I wrote anyway. I'm not sorry.)

It’s Jiraiya who brings him the news, bare hours after the decision has been reached.

“He’s pretty, isn’t he?” Mito asks thoughtfully.

“It was science,” Tobirama huffs, turning his glare on Madara. “You left your DNA all over me, Uchiha. I was hardly about to pass up the opportunity.” Obito debates clamping his hands over his ears and humming loudly. He did not need to know that in any shape or form, oh god.

It’s not his proudest moment, but Sakumo takes one look at the newest occupant of the gym and walks into a wall.

If this airship lasts through one more round of Fire Country, it will be a miracle, Orochimaru thinks.

After a battle with a villain goes terribly wrong, all Shouto wants is a cheap, quiet place to lie low and recover from a handful of difficult lifestyle changes. Instead, he ends up throwing his lot in with a former schoolmate with a peculiar job, a unique set of skills, and a troublesome aversion to minding his own damned business. (Discontinued)

Recently discharged from the military after losing an arm during a training exercise, Erwin Smith returns to the BDSM club he once frequented, hoping to find someone willing to give him control. There, he is introduced to Levi, another former soldier, new to the scene and burdened with a past he's unwilling to speak of.

“You know what I am?” Kuroo asks. He’s not looking up at Kenma, instead concentrating too much on pushing his shirt up over his chest. …Shit, Kenma owes Shouyou a thousand yen. (( or: shouyou and kenma make a lot of bets, kenma meets a ridiculously handsome stranger, and a ridiculously handsome stranger treats kenma to a night he couldn't forget even if he wanted to. it's a good thing he doesn't. ))

Shisui is done. Gone. That’s it for him, he’s toast. (Or, Shisui is in love. Naruto is mostly oblivious. Everyone else is entirely convinced that Shisui is a creeper.)

Aka everyone is a superhero or a sidekick or a damsel in distress in true comic style. Includes terrible hero names, almost everyone wearing spandex (Sakumo why must you be sensible and break the mold you nerd), ridiculousness, secret identity fails, and all of my favorite crack pairings. I would be sorry, but that would require a sense of shame and I misplaced mine long ago.

One might think that after spending six years serving as a Galaxy Garrison senior officer, leading dozens of dangerous missions into enemy territory, personally overseeing the deaths of Zarkon’s highest generals, and getting his arm blown off only to be replaced by a weaponized prosthetic against his will, Shiro would be prepared for anything the Universe threw at him. He was not prepared for Keith and Lance.

Matt has a plan to get Shiro laid; Shiro has a lot of misgivings about this. "Shiro. Buddy. I swear on everything I hold holy—" "You're an atheist," Shiro points out. "—I swear on the grave of Carl Sagan and in the name of Neil deGrasse Tyson," Matt says, not missing a beat, "that if you go home alone tonight, it'll be your own personal decision and not because you won't have other options."

As a last resort, they finally send Mikoto to talk to her. Kushina's not impressed, even though she has to admire their tenacity. They’ve tried three different elders, the woman who works at the ramen stand she likes almost as much as Teuchi’s, and Fugaku. Apparently, after the utter failure of that last one, they're attempting to pull out all the stops.

Roy gets significantly more than he bargained for with a pair of gold-eyed prostitutes.

“-my mother was not Lyanna fucking Stark!” Jon exclaimed, before turning and kicking, vehemently at the sofa, enough to leave brown dustmarks on the purple cloth. He turned back to her, lifting a finger threateningly. “I don’t care what you say. But our father would never- never- sleep with his sister, in fact I don’t even know why I’m telling you this because guess what, Sansa? You should already know that!” [Sansa tries to tell Jon who his mother is. Jon thinks he’s an incest-baby. Which........ isn’t wrong.]

Recently discharged from the military after losing an arm during a training exercise, Erwin Smith returns to the BDSM club he once frequented, hoping to find someone willing to give him control. There, he is introduced to Levi, another former soldier, new to the scene and burdened with a past he's unwilling to speak of.

It's Sid's job as captain to match up the subs on his team with suitable Doms. It doesn't take long to figure out that the only Dom he would trust Jamie Benn's particular needs to is himself.

“What’s the internet say about all this sexual tension?” Kuroo asks, and Kenma’s attention snaps back to the screen. “Nothing I didn’t see earlier. It should lessen over time, but it’s meant to cement the new bond between mated individuals. Through sex, I guess.” (( or: kenma must navigate his new and unwanted werewolf marriage with kuroo, and honestly, it would be a lot easier if they didn't get boners every time they made eye contact ))

Armin, an Omega, has been raised all his life to be a consort. An Untouched, deprived of physical contact, he is desperate for an Alpha to choose him as their own. When he's brought to the palace to be the only consort of the crown prince, he thinks his life is perfect. But there are dark secrets buried beneath his Alpha's kind exterior, and when they begin to reveal themselves Armin's idyllic new existence is shattered.

Of all the wonderful things to come out of peace talks, Tobirama relishes Izuna's jealousy the most.

“You sure you want to do this?” Tōka asks, doesn’t let her gaze waver from the mercenary with a gun to her cousin’s head. Her own are completely steady, and she doesn’t miss a step as she turns, following the woman’s retreat deeper into the cave. “Sorry, Tōka,” Mito says, and the tone is light but there's a look in her eyes that Tōka is fairly sure is rueful. “I'm too pretty to stay in prison for the rest of my life."

Their first date is objectively pretty great. But later, when Bucky comes after Steve slides inside him and slaps him on the ass, Steve knows this is going to be fun.

ART! So pretty!

Mei laughs, rich and throaty, and takes the glass from her, tilting it up to her lips and taking a long swallow. Then, perfectly careless, she drops it over the arm of the chair to shatter on the floor, gaze never wavering from Kushina. “How about I help you in return, sweetheart? That dress looks uncomfortable. Take it off.”

“Actually we’re open,” he explained. He didn’t get it. “Open?” “To having sex with strangers.” Wait— Oh. Oh.

On a person's twelfth name day, the name of their soulmate appears on their wrist. Sansa's just happens to be Daenerys Targaryen.

The dragons were devoted to the children first and foremost, but Drogon would snap and flame at anyone who came too close to Rhaella, Balerion could on occasion be found curled up on Elia's lap while she worked, and Ghost had once arranged himself just so along the back of the Iron Throne while Lyanna held court in her husband's absence - it was the most productive court session she'd ever been party to. Or, Rhaegar marries Lyanna Stark, and runs away with Elia Martell

Zabuza steels himself, breathes out. Remembers he can move, that he can speak, and slowly, carefully slides to his knees. Not a position he would take for anyone else, even Mei if she ever wore the Mizukage's hat, not after a lifetime spent clawing his way up from the streets and into a place of his own power. But—gods are something different. They have to be, or they can't offer miracles, and Zabuza needs that miracle right now. “I was told that you help those seeking justice,” he says.

All of this, Kakashi would like it noted, is because he has terrible friends.