Sui Zhou couldn't believe what he was seeing... Two of the most wanted criminals, who always seemed to be able to slip away, were having dinner on the other side of the restaurant. Sui Zhou had been tracking them for over a year, and the fact he hadn't caught either was a convenient black spot on a record that his boss was intent on tarnishing.

If he hadn't seen a vibrating butt plug on top of the stack of "absolutely mission critical clothes" Wang Zhi had left for him, Sui Zhou would have dismissed the faint buzzing as a phone vibrating, and Tang Fan's look of shock as a surprising bite of food. It's not. He is definitely wearing a vibrating butt plug and it definitely just turned on. Sui Zhou is not sure what to do with this information.

The boys have some fun at Joyous Brothel at the end of a long, hard case.

Three days after Wang Zhi leaves the capital, bits and pieces of his extensive library begin arriving at Sui Zhou's house.

“It is fair.” Tang Fan says decisively, getting up, heading to the bedroom. “While I think about what kind of purchase that could make you act like this, you can think about whether it is worth keeping a secret.” or Sui Zhou goes on Tao/bao

"Surely I don't need underthings to be in proper disguise," Tang Fan says, chewing on his lip.

In which there’s a jewellery thief on the loose, Tang Fan plays dress up, gets a mild concussion and also a boyfriend.

Tang Fan goes undercover and Duo'erla gets forcibly made a distraction. It all turns out okay, though.

“I’m going to the Sui household,” Wang Zhi declared, taking the decision as he voiced it. He wouldn’t get any work done today. He hesitated at the threshold though. Ding Rong didn’t react in any way, always stoic no matter the order, though he had been getting more inquisitive lately. "Come." Or, if Wang Zhi had taken Ding Rong along.

Crumpled at the base of Koi Tower’s long stairs for the second time, Jin Guangyao presses his face into the stone, takes a deep breath despite re-broken ribs, and arranges his features as carefully as he knows how. Then he stands, moving carefully around the pain, and bows deep, arms held straight and true. The walk back up the steps to his father's side is painful enough to wipe the smile from his face; it is not painful enough to prevent him re-taking his place as seneschal, bowing again at the top of the steps. As he straightens, he prioritizes his plans for his father’s demise over all else.

“Yanli, I did not lie on our wedding night. You are the only woman I have gone to bed with. But… there was a man.” “Oh?” Yanli blinks up at him. She does not appear horrified, or betrayed, which is surely a good sign. Jin Zixuan swallows. “It was Sect Leader Nie,” he says quickly, as though that will make it easier. “…Oh,” says Yanli, and her eyes are dark. - Jin Zixuan tells his wife a war story. Or, two thousand words of Jin Zixuan getting railed.

Sui Zhou watches as Li Zilong hooks a finger through the ring of the kid’s collar to pull him down onto the seat beside him. The kid opens his mouth and sticks his tongue out. Li Zilong places a fat, baby blue pill onto it. The kid closes his mouth but Li Zilong doesn't let him move away, still holding on to the ring in his collar. He lifts up his drink and holds it up to the kid’s lips. The kid struggles to swallow it all. Some liquid spills out and drips down his chin. When it’s over he sticks his tongue out again, showing Li Zilong his empty mouth. Li Zilong pats him lightly on the cheek and shoves him away. / In which Sui Zhou goes to a party, meets a boy and takes him home.

Xiao Xingchen’s other hand comes to rest on Xue Yang’s shin above the one already rubbing circles into his skin. “Ah,” he says, low and pleased and pitched for Song Lan’s ears as well as Xue Yang’s. “He likes you, little fox.” The sharp thing in Xue Yang’s chest settles warily. He does not, for the moment, ask what would your boyfriend not liking me look like? or: sometimes a gremlin goes out to get laid and picks up more than he bargained for

"There is nothing truly new on earth, they say. There was a time Wang Zhi believed that." Tang Fan and Sui Zhou have brought new experiences, sensations, and feelings into Wang Zhi's life since the moment he met them, and even after several years of friendship, things can still be new. (A story set several years after canon, exploring the physical side of the trio's growing romantic relationship.)

Dong-er wasn’t dumb, she had seen these symptoms before, she knew what they meant. Tang Da-ge’s pregnant.

He will never forgive Wang Zhi for being careless enough to get himself killed like this: by a band of common thugs, barefoot and with his hair undone, in Sui Zhou's house, in front of Sui Zhou. But then the thug manhandling Wang Zhi laughs, pulling him up short in the middle of the courtyard. He even shakes him a little. "Look what I found in Baihu Sui's bedroom. It's a boy!" Sui Zhou acquires dangerous knowledge involving the Commander of the Western Depot, Tang Fan breaks new ground for romance novelists, and Wang Zhi is full of surprises.

The Emperor looks at Tang Fan’s confused face and elaborates. “Tang Fan, you have caused quite a stir in the palace,” he pauses, “as Lady Tang.” Tang Fan frowns at Sui Zhou and Wang Zhi, both who are not quite meeting his eyes. “Your majesty, I don’t understand.” The Emperor smiles. “It is simple. The Empress Dowager wants a wedding. If you marry into the palace, Noble Consort Wan will be unhappy. If you don’t marry Sui Zhou, the Empress Dowager will be unhappy. We don’t want them unhappy.” - In which every party is once again scheming, Tang Fan and Sui Zhou are pawns, but somehow it ends up okay.

Under absolutely no circumstances is Runqing allowed to touch the wok.

Tang Fan chats up a drunk patron to get some evidence.

Wang Zhi looked back -- more men. It was blocked. He lectured himself. He truly did deserve death for his carelessness. Incognito, Tang Fan had said. Clearly not enough if they were being targeted like this. The men at the ends of the alley advanced in. “Alright Huang Zhifeng,” Wang Zhi muttered, voice dripping irony over Tang Fan's pseudonym, “how are you going to write your way out of this one?”

It should be easy enough to share. But Sui Zhou knew that sometimes, things can be a little more complicated.

He’s inhaling his banmian in the small area where a few tables have been arranged for the crew when he remembers that he heard his phone ding earlier. He drags it out of his bag and thumbs his WeChat open, then promptly chokes on his noodles. Wang Yizhou sends Ji Li a shirtless, ambiguously horny selfie. Ji Li retaliates.

What Tang Fan wants, Sui Zhou wants to give.

A divergence in episode 31: Instead of Tang Fan going to Jin San, Jin San pays a surprise visit to Huanyi Brothel.

Nearly a year after Li Zilong’s failed coup, Wang Zhi writes to his friends in the capital, asking for help. Assembling a team of friends and experts, Tang Fan answers the call. What they find on the border is not what they expected.

Lan Xichen asks Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to participate in a ritual for the protection of the Cloud Recesses. There may be some ulterior motives going on.

While on a romantic camping trip together, Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue happen upon a desperate omega shivering in the snow. They decide to share him, because they share everything.

Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue hire Meng Yao to have a baby for them. They want to take things slow, but Meng Yao has other ideas.

As a twisted gift for the sworn brotherhood of Nie Mingjue, Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao, Jin Guangshan slips heat triggering poison into his son’s tea. It has the opposite effect than he hopes, and instead of isolating Jin Guangyao from his sworn brothers, it deepens their bonds, making Jin Guangyao finally decide on whose side his loyalty lays.

Sui Zhou picks up the book, balancing it atop one thigh as he pages through. "The author has included many falsehoods. The love scenes are completely unrealistic." He looks up, holding Tang Fan's wide, surprised gaze with his own steady one. "Actually, I would bet two hundred taels that whoever wrote this is a virgin." Tang Fan chokes on nothing, finally managing to squawk, "What!" ----- Sometimes the only way to improve one's erotic novels is to receive a proper demonstration of good technique.

If Tang Fan believed Sui Zhou harbored any amorous intent towards him, well, to put it mildly, Sui Zhou wouldn’t need to lace his tea with any aphrodisiacs.

Surprisingly, Sui Zhou is the one who writes to him first. Less surprising is that Tang Fan gets involved too (they always did seem to come as a set). -- Wang Zhi, Sui Zhou, and Tang Fan do their best to express themselves via letters where verbally they couldn't.

To draw out a likely blackmailer, Sui Zhou and Tang Fan have to manufacture some blackmail material.

Sui Zhou has known Tang Fan is gay since he met him, and he's known about drag nights at Huanyi for almost as long. It has never been a problem for him. Seeing it for himself shouldn't change that.

“It’s like my ad says,” Tang Fan says. “We can talk. Or you can talk, and I can listen, or I can talk to you. About anything. Or … I could talk dirty to you?” Tang Fan does have regulars who want sex stuff, but really, what he does only qualifies as phone sex maybe one call in twenty. Mostly, it’s just Tang Fan chatting with lonely people. But he can handle the sexy stuff, obviously, and if the Man with the Sexy Voice wants sexy, Tang Fan is very willing to — actually, he decides, a little unnerved by his own enthusiasm, better not to finish that thought. This is a business transaction, after all. This is the gig economy. “Not this time,” the Man with the Sexy Voice says, almost apologetic, like he’s forgotten that he’s paying Tang Fan for this. “Just — maybe if you could talk to me about something you find interesting?” In which Tang Fan develops some rather inconvenient feelings for a late-night caller to his phone sex line.

Tang Fan writes a new romance novel that reaches new heights of obvious pining, Wang Zhi takes matters into his own hands, a guest comes to stay, and Sui Zhou continues to be a irresponsible combination of jealous and oblivious. (This takes place somewhere nebulously in the middle of the series, but really it could happen at any point, no spoilers)

Mu Qingfang closes his eyes and counts backward from ten. And then he takes a deep breath, before putting on his most professional smile, the one reserved primarily for people on their deathbeds and recalcitrant Shixiongs with the habit of getting gored by beasts ten times his size. “Liu-shixiong,” Mu Qingfang says, as calmly as he can. “You’ve recently ingested a poison called Blinders for Wandering Eyes.” “My eyesight is fine,” Liu Qingge says, muffled through the blanket. “It’s everything else that’s - not fine.” Mu Qingfang can already feel his blood pressure rising. “The poison does not cause blindness, Shixiong. It was named thus because it was often used on philanderers and unfaithful partners. If certain conditions aren’t met within a specific timeframe, then the poison will begin to break down their organs, starting with their meridians." There’s a long pause, before Liu Qingge says, “I don’t care. Fix it.” -- In which Liu Qingge is poisoned and there's only one way to fix it

Jiang Cheng has no explanation for the way rope quiets the noise in his head, the endless imprecations his own internal voice hurls at him. He settles on his own couch, ties himself up, and reads.

The good news is that Lan Jingyi has found a mentor, friend, and constant companion through the difficulties in life. The bad news is that that’s because he’s been accidentally possessed by the Yiling Patriarch.

When Song Lan comes back to the dorm room for the evening, he finds a present on his bed wrapped up just for him.

Lan Zhan is convinced to bring his boyfriend home to meet his family. What he doesn't know is that Wei Ying is a former disciple of the Jiang who was kicked out in disgrace. None of this would have happened if he and his brother hadn't been sent to boarding school after their mother's death

Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren don’t die. Some things change. Some things don’t. ~ It's a beautiful day in Cloud Recesses and you are a horrible guest disciple.

Was there such a thing as an A/B/O novel that didn't end on an omega being mated by their one true love, their fated partner? That fucking Airplane towards the sky! Couldn't even get the genre he was writing in correct! Yet that was the mystery that had kept Shen Yuan reading! When would Liu Mingyan and the protagonist bone down? Even after they'd had their first five children and the harem had hit the triple digits, Shen Yuan had kept reading lured on by Airplane's glimmers of plot, backstory and writing ability slightly above that of a concussed toddler. ------------------------- “Of course I couldn’t make Mobei Jun an alpha,” said Shang Qinghua, having the fucking nerve to look pityingly on his best reviewer. “Bro, would three hundred million words have been enough to protect their chrysanthemums from each other in the fanfic forums? I just never mentioned it so it never came up so I never had to decide it. Problem solved.”

When Nie Mingjue turned sixteen years old, he was alone. He had taken nothing with him but his saber, Baxia. He had hugged his brother maybe-goodbye, and then he had gone down into the saber tombs to wait to see if this was the year he was going to go insane. (a fairytale)

Qin Su is finally going to sleep with her new boyfriend the coming weekend. She likes to look immaculate when she has sex with someone for the first time. Perfume, nice lingerie and all that. Unfortunately the place she usually goes to for her bikini waxes is fully booked.

broke: jedi are cold disconnected space monks woke: jedi are hippie sluts with no sense of modesty who just like to fuck with the wider galaxy

Meng Yao had spent years not thinking of Jin Zixuan as anything other than an obstacle in the way of his ultimate goal – his father’s recognition, himself as the heir and eventual master of Lanling Jin – and he bitterly resented Wen Ruohan for trashing all that effort. It was impossible to think that way with Jin Zixuan shivering in front of him, chained down to the floor of the palace within the Nightless City. And yet, it was equally impossible to act to save him - Or was it?

Huaisang drags Meng Yao to the kink club. Meng Yao is not having a good time, until he is suddenly having a very good time. Turns out holding hands and eating frozen yogurt can qualify as kink if you do it right.

The single faceless, anonymous photograph on the profile that catches his eye is shot in elegant black-and-white, and there’s something about the crispness of the focus and the markedly off-center composition that says art, for once, rather than mugshot. The caption below is equally sparse: “5’6. Demanding.” (Or: Meng Yao gets wrecked by that Good Lan Dick. Lan Xichen gets wrecked by Meng Yao's Whole Deal.)

Anything that Xiao Zhan puts on him, around his neck, is great, and most often that is simply his hands. Like now, as they land first on Yibo’s shoulders, and then stroke up the sides of his neck, one curling to the front, wrapping around and gripping lightly. Yibo lets out a shuddering breath and leans into the touch. “You really want this, huh,” Xiao Zhan says, and Yibo nods.