The body of the email just says, “don’t fuck seguin” because Jonny doesn’t know what capital letters are and he’s a controlling asshole even when he’s miles away, and attached to it is a spreadsheet that Patrick reluctantly opens. It’s color-coded with tabs and he’s not sure whether he wants to punch Jonny in the mouth or laugh in his face. Calling him in the middle of the airport is a really bad fucking idea and Patrick knows something about those, so he settles for sending Jonny a message. YOU SENT ME A JERK-OFF SCHEDULE FOR SWITZERLAND?!

SUCK IT, TJ OSHIE.

Tazer gives it a couple of days and the beginning of a visit from Kaner's mom that exiles him back to his own condo before he says, "You're going to need a nanny."

25, openly bisexual and even more openly disinclined to stick around for breakfast, blond, and possessed of a college education that passed through 3 Ivies before ending up at a State campus that has a new Kane-funded Economics building, Patrick Kane is an open book. Less of a mystery novel and more of a cartoon pamphlet on avoiding STDs. Jon wishes he’d listened to his mom when she told him George Devereux from down the street had work going in his lawnmower repair business.

Kaner tries to fuck his way out of love. That goes as well as you might imagine. That's my summary. But liketheroad's summary is also applicable: In which THERE IS A BACHELOR AUCTION TO SAVE ALL THE PUPPIES OF CHICAGO AND TAZER IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO SAVE THOSE PUPPIES AND KANER TRIES TO FUCK HIS WAY OUT OF LOVE BUT OH TOO BAD FOR YOU KANER, YOU HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS FOR THAT.

“You should come with me, you know,” Kaner says slowly, unclear how many drinks they’ve had at this point, or when they’d actually ditched the rest of the guys at the bar and ended up cabbing it to Johnny’s place. New Moon Shine: Stiles loves new moon nights. That One Time Tazer Got a Black Eye: That one time Tazer got a black eye. It takes an ocean not to break: “Come with you where?” “To the bathroom, Johnny,” Kaner says, rolling his eyes. “To Europe, ass.”

Movie nights with Kaner become a thing once they begin to get recognized enough that physically going to the movies means he spends a couple of days waiting for the Deadspin exposé entitled Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane Have Terrible Taste in Movies, Each Other to hit the internet.

See title.

sometimes you have to go down before you can go out.

Patrick Kane has soft hands.

It's one thing to know that Kaner and Tazer are weird about each other, and another thing to actually see it. (or: several people who unfortunately had to interact with them, and one time they got to be alone).

five times Patrick Kane unsuccessfully flirted with other Olympic athletes, and one time he didn't get shot down. with Kane being cheesy and persistent but not creepy or coercive? het and/or slash bonus points for Kaner trying to flirt with both Lamoureux sisters (either separately or together) and crashing and burning miserably :P

They're in their hotel room after the Oilers game when Kaner asks, "Why does this whole meditation thing matter so much to you, anyway?" "It helps me focus and relax," Johnny says, hoping that'll satisfy him. But Kaner's eyes widen. "You mean you'd act even weirder if you didn't meditate? Shit, dude – now I kind of want to see what you'd be like without it." "You really, really don't," Johnny says.