Konoha is an experience, and that’s just about the politest way Ine can phrase it.

“Are you sure I can convince him?” Madara asks dubiously. Hashirama nods. “Only you can convince him,” Hashirama says. Then, solemnly, “Madara, you’re our only hope.”

For an anon prompt on my Tumblr that I kind of hijacked: gai/obito tho, kakashi's utterly terrified of the two ever coming together. "I've met Gai, Kakashi, and guess what? I'm going /to befriend him/." "You wouldn't DARE, Obito." "Oh, I would. We're going to be best friends." Obito and Gai hit it off instantly, and it all goes downhill from there. Kakashi finds them making out once and it's so horrible. He's never going to get that image out of his mind.

For this ask on my Tumblr: IM IMAGINING THE WRITING THING AS MADATOBI NOW?? IMAGINE!! secret letters between enemy clans. tiny stick figure drawings of hashirama doing something stupid. instructions for a new jutsu. the possibilities are ENDLESS (Aka that soulmate AU where if you write something on your skin it also shows on the other’s.)

Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, oh my. (Or, Tobirama has a date. He will probably live to regret it.) Prequel to It’s Witchcraft.

The separate steps along divergent paths don’t change the fact that the destination remains the same.

From a prompt on my Tumblr: I kinda ship IzuTobi? NOT because it’s the default side pairing to HashiMada, but because your stars-in-his–eyes-attracted-to-pretty-but-lethal-people!Izuna is the funniest thing ever, and I want to see Tobirama as the target of that mooning. Imagine: “Uchiha, I almost killed you.” “I know, you’re the best!

For a prompt on my Tumblr: Have you read the version of the Persephone myth where Persephone wasn't abducted but wandered into the underworld under her free will and then refused to leave (to Hades's utter bemusement)? I read it recently and the only things in my head since is fed-up Persephone!Oro meeting bemused Hades!Sakumo after fighting from Zeus!Jiraya :P

For a prompt on my Tumblr: TOS!Sannin. Tsunade McCoy the grumpy, compassionate alcoholic with a heart of gold, Jiraiya Kirk the cocky and intelligent leader and womaniser, and finally, S'chan T'gai Orochimaru, the 'non-emotional' genius scientist with a not-so-hidden soft, gooey emotional centre.

For a prompt from the lovely Holly: The Free! anime featuring Tobirama as a swimmer, with a water addiction like Haruka - and the same penchant for undressing at the first sight of water. Cue Madara blushing and flailing, while Tobirama gives zero shits.

It’s not his proudest moment, but Sakumo takes one look at the newest occupant of the gym and walks into a wall.

Genma’s last memory of Uchiha Obito is from childhood so many years ago, a boy with a bright smile, always willing to help no matter the consequences, with an ego just a size too large and dreams he hadn’t yet grown into. It is, he thinks, a stark contrast to now.

This is all massively troublesome, damn it, and Shikamaru only has himself to blame.

“He’s pretty, isn’t he?” Mito asks thoughtfully.

“What do you mean, you’re related to the Nidaime?!” Izumo demands, hands flapping faintly like he can’t decide whether to strangle Kotetsu or flail.

"Oh, fuck me," is the first thing Izuna says upon opening his eyes.

As a last resort, they finally send Mikoto to talk to her. Kushina's not impressed, even though she has to admire their tenacity. They’ve tried three different elders, the woman who works at the ramen stand she likes almost as much as Teuchi’s, and Fugaku. Apparently, after the utter failure of that last one, they're attempting to pull out all the stops.

For a prompt on my Tumblr: shisui trying very hard not to stare at utakata's chest and Those Pecs and Abs and Everything Hes Gorgeous Help and utakata mistaking it for being curious about his pipe and starts infodumping about his bubbles

“I’m starting to think all those rumors about the Hatake were true,” Orochimaru manages to get out, half an instant before he’s landing on his hands and knees on a thin bedroll, hands already tearing at his robes.

There's a hard cock nestled between his legs and soft lips on the back of his neck, and Kagami groans, catching the hand splayed over his stomach and lacing their fingers. “Good morning to you too,” he gasps, and Tobirama hums into his shoulder.

“Can you take a little more?” Hashirama murmurs, and there's a whisper of something else beneath the velvet of his voice, heady and heavy like the power that curls across his skin, and Obito shudders, moans.

“Back from your mission already?” Orochimaru asks slyly, and the grip on his hair is too tight for him to turn his head, but he can see the fall of white hair reflected in the mirror on the far wall, can smell the crushed-leaf and dark-earth scent of the man, touched with sweat and metal. “I'm two days late,” Sakumo says into the nape of his neck, and the hand slides from his side up to the collar of his robe.

“Over your desk?” Kiba says, lazily amused. “Shikamaru's gonna kill you.”

Tenten's kiss is sticky-sweet and traced with copper, and Sakura just wants to devour her.

“Look at you,” Zabuza says, lazy and languid, and when Utakata flicks his eyes up he’s watching intently, legs spread wide, breath coming hard. His grip tightens in Utakata's hair, but there’s no pressure behind it. “Fuck, you helped overthrow the Mizukage and then just dropped to your knees. Makes a man wonder.”

In his defense, it wasn’t that he didn’t know Obito was attractive. Of course he did. With abs and arms like those who wouldn’t know? It was that he hadn’t realized just how attractive Obito was until they started their current mission.

Orochimaru, Mito has come to realize, has a good many of the qualities that made her brother-in-law so fearsome, and she’s glad for it.

For a prompt on my Tumblr: Playboy!Orochimaru who ends up with Single Dad!Sakumo in the end. No understands what happened.

It had been a drunken whim, coming on the heels of his breakup with Yugao, to add his name to the list of candidates for political marriages, and even when he’d remembered the next morning Hayate had waved off the notion that anyone would pick him. Most people are at least mildly alarmed by a shinobi with a chronic illness, after all.

“Look at you,” Shisui says admiringly, rocking back on his heels and surveying his prize. Sequel to 'if you can find that leap of faith', but entirely plotless.

“I'm so glad you're okay,” Kagami whispers, pressing a kiss to Tobirama’s shoulder blade.

Mei’s had dreams that weren’t as good as this.

Edward, Tobirama, some accidental dimension travel, and questions of methodology. Plus snark.

Kakashi has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants Tsuna to survive, but at least the company is agreeable. And cute.

Kakashi is enjoying this a hell of a lot more than he thought he would, and he had high expectations going in.

Obito turns himself into the Whomping Willow. It goes great, right up until people start making a nuisance of themselves under his roots.

“Oh my god,” Jiraiya says, staring up at the ceiling.

Obito glances over Sakura, sprawled out on the couch painting her nails, and raises a brow. “I thought Kakashi told you to leave?” “Ha.” Sakura checks her nails, then starts applying another coat. “He has like three hundred sports channels. I'm not moving an inch.”

In which Minato is a Sky, Obito is his Guardian, and everything gets fucked beyond measure.

Mikoto does not want her elderly relatives trying to pick out her future husband. Kushina has a brilliant idea. (Oh no... she's hot.)

“It’s a ritual,” Tajima says, seated on the end of Butsuma's cot with one leg pulled up under him. “The fire will only kill you if you let it.”

The creature chuckles, and as Genma watches his upper body shifts, changes. He loses the more monstrous features, and a moment later a blue-skinned man with a shark’s tail is hauling himself all the way up to sit on the bank, his tail still dangling in the water. “No one has to get hurt,” he says, and deliberately sets Genma's knife on the grass. “You unlocked my prison. I'm not going to eat the guy who helped me out.”

“Where are we even going?” Mikoto demands.

There's something moving in the depths of the armory.

The Akatsuki are hired to separate a certain prince from a certain homonculus. It doesn't go quite as planned for anyone involved.

It’s a gateway, but he doesn’t seem to realize that.

In the center of the spring is a listing signpost, one of several long since faded into incomprehensibility. If there were directions there, Tsume can't see any trace of them, but there's an angel perched atop the signpost, wide white wings sending feathers drifting across the breeze.

There's something in the water.

“Still breathing?” Madara asks, and the words are harsh in his throat.