"If you three don't stop bickering," Sophie continued, just barely loud enough for the mic to pick up, "no one will ever find the bodies."

“Welcome, newbies, to the only class SHIELD has to offer on surviving this shit. I'll be your teacher today, hi, Tony Stark, Iron Man, CEO of awesome."

The Coalition states for the record that it considers Her Imperial Condescension, Empress of Alternia and its conquered territories a Criminal, a Liability to her own people, an immature brat unfit for power, a Crazy Old Bat and an Abuser, and we do hereby charge her with Corruption, Corruption of Minors, Exploitation, Exploitation of Minors, Slavery, Slavery of Minors, Indoctrination, Indoctrination of Minors, Violation of the Prime Directive and Violation of seventy percent of the Chart of Universal Rights for the Sapient Species, and we declare to unanimously hold her in Contempt.

"Yeah. Thanks. Just what I need. Black lipstick."

In which people with floofy pauldrons like Cullen should probably not stand so close to the woman waving around a lit candle on the end of a board.

The one where Caine meets Jupiter's family. This is that one.

My Cousin is Dating an Alien, an essay by Moltka Bolotnikov, age 12 and ½.

Flowers have meaning and, sometimes, not knowing them can be beneficial.

aka Steve Accidentally Joins the NY Pride Parade. He had just meant to go to the grocer’s. They needed eggs.

It's the job of the captain to pick the crew, and the duty of the first mate to test them for worthiness. How Zoro came to accept each of the straw hats as nakama.

The sign, standing unassuming outside the Grand Line Coffee Shop in a handwriting Sanji recognizes as Usopp’s, says: TODAY YOUR BARISTA IS: 1. Hella fucking gay. 2. Desperately single. FOR YOUR DRINK TODAY I’D RECOMMEND: You give me your number. Or, the one coffee shop au where Usopp pulls a prank, Sanji is unexpectedly (read: completely unexpected to him and only him) popular among the male population of their campus, and Zoro just wants to grab a coffee.

Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, oh my. (Or, Tobirama has a date. He will probably live to regret it.) Prequel to It’s Witchcraft.

Sam feels really cheated by history now.

"Well, you can't ALL be the space prostitute." Coran protested, then appeared to muse it over. "Although..."

or alternatively titled "The Space Power Rangers Try to Figure Out If Shiro Has a Natural Winged Eyeliner Look Going On Because He's Fly Like That or Not and End Up Failing"

Yuri has joined the conversation. v-nikiforov: d i b s

fic where there is a supernatural threat to New York City and the Avengers show up to handle it but when they get there the Ghostbusters are already dusting off their hands and hosing off the slime

From the other end of the ship, panting as though he has run from the depths of his workshop, Usopp is the next to let out a scream: “Why is there a SHARK ON THE DECK!?”

Nozaki mistakenly thinks he's dating someone. And it gets worse.

Dr Kureha pounded some more monkshood beneath the pestle. "The name of a rabbit disease that infects humans. Causes ulcerations-"

Yamamoto and Gokudera have lunch together every Saturday. Tsuna can't decide if this is a good thing or just the cause of more ridiculous problems.

Yamamoto attempts to make Gokudera's lunch. Gokudera is not entirely impressed.

"This is the fortieth time." Jason says, "Just to point that out. I'm not complaining, or anything."

“I’m…uh….a retired competitive figure skater?” he asks, his voice going higher with embarrassment. “And I…uh…got 2 golds in the Grand Prix…and 2 golds in Worlds….and maybe a silver in Pyeongchang?”

The plan was simple, as good a plan as a clan of shipwreckers and bounty-hunters could ever come up with. Capture one of the weaker Straw Hats, the ones without bounties, and make them beg for mercy until the stronger ones surrendered. Nothing can possibly go wrong with such an easy, straightforward scheme. Time to make some money!

Nami's nakama were certifiable. Loony-bin material, every last one of them.

in which Tsukiyama is conned into having dinner with Hannibal and is delightfully surprised to find out that it is not in fact beef

Once Edward became legal, the number of office outings to the pub went up exponentially. Possibly this was because Edward was really fun to take to a pub.

Riza takes such immense joy in ruining Roy's life that he can't even bring himself to begrudge her.

As a last resort, they finally send Mikoto to talk to her. Kushina's not impressed, even though she has to admire their tenacity. They’ve tried three different elders, the woman who works at the ramen stand she likes almost as much as Teuchi’s, and Fugaku. Apparently, after the utter failure of that last one, they're attempting to pull out all the stops.

“So, how long have you and Shane been dating?” Jen asks. If Ryan had already taken a sip of his coffee, he would’ve done a spit take right now. Instead, he just sends her an incredulous look. “Shane and I are what?” Or, Ryan and Shane's life would be so much easier if they just talked to each other.

At the end of each school year, UA hires a consultant to evaluate the costumes the first year students designed for themselves, to make sure they are both aesthetically appropriate and safe to use. That consultant is Edna Mode. i.e. A story where Edna Mode comes to UA and gives costume advice to Class 1A. And she isn't afraid to call people out about their questionable choices.

Lance and Keith had no idea what they were in for when Hunk joined them for an early-morning workout... AKA: Keith and Lance realize that they are both very gay, and that Hunk is very Hot

After the incident and leaving the warehouse, Owen sees something. He sees it. But he can't believe it.

Orochimaru, Mito has come to realize, has a good many of the qualities that made her brother-in-law so fearsome, and she’s glad for it.

Sasuke starts calling Naruto "the missus" behind his back two months after moving in with him. It was, in retrospect, akin to ritual suicide.

Shane has the worst timing.

Growing up was bad enough the first time. Going through a speed run was a special kind of hell.

While everyone in Suna concerns themselves with Gaara, terrified that the One-Tail might break free and rampage through their Village, they forget a few key facts. First, that just because Shukaku is the largest demon in Suna does not make the Bijuu the only demon in Wind Country, or even the only demon sealed away in Hidden Sand. Second, that Raza has two elder children that are just as capable of ushering in Suna's doom as their youngest sibling is. Third, Kankurou is the overlooked middle child who just wants to play with his baby brother. Remember these facts. They're important. Especially the third one.

Based on a kinkmeme prompt: "Ardyn pretends to be Noct to get info out of/lead astray/etc the Chocobros. Except Ardyn is thousands of years old and doesn't know how to talk like a 20 y/o slacker. He's too verbose, he uses old slang people haven't used in centuries, he smiles too much, he guesses their romantic attachments wrong..."

All Might runs into a strange hero in his younger years. Or, maybe, this hero runs into him. At high velocity. In the face. Oops.

After much deliberation, careful study, and scientific analysis, Wes Janson decides that the Fate Of The Galaxy is entirely dependent on the state of Senator-Princess Leia Organa's hair.

Kala's not a criminal. She just needs to break into her company's server room to investigate its possible dealings with BPO. This man who's also breaking into the server room, though...

Nomi wants help from a team of criminals to bring down BPO, Amanita isn't sure she trusts them, Hardison is impressed by Nomi's hacking skills, Parker comes to the rescue, and Eliot notices some very distinctive fighting styles. [Podfic + Text]

Fenris has dedicated himself to hunting slavers, but there's one inevitable outcome that comes from such a profession. And that is freeing mages.

The thing that most people who are not sect leaders fail to understand is that being a sect leader is hard. It’s not the countless duties and obligations, or the crushing weight of responsibility, or even the hours of meetings spent trying not to fall asleep as some stupid merchant who’s never experienced any hardship in his entire overly-fed life drones on and on about how Lanling Jin should compensate him because a stray fierce corpse scared him and made him spill his tea. Or something. It’s that sometimes, despite being a sect leader, there’s still nothing Jin Ling can do to help people. In which Jin Ling turns to masked vigilantism as a way to more effectively help people. Somehow it doesn't all end in disaster.

“If we get home, you mean,” the Jin sect junior muttered. “Where even are we? And who’s the guy playing Chenqing?” Wei Wuxian was mildly offended. Who in the world knew enough to recognize Chenqing on sight but couldn’t recognize him? “I’m pretty sure that’s Senior Wei,” the shorter Lan sect junior said. “Just, you know, not…Senior Mo.”

sat down to write a lil vignette-sized cql fic but the fic is a fake excerpt from a made-up academic article about the work of a pretend poet who wants it

“Thank you all for coming,” Lan Xichen said, pouring tea for the other three people at the table. “I think you all know why I’ve asked you to gather here today.” “Sure,” Nie Mingjue said, accepting the cup. “Because our younger siblings have decided to join together to become a criminal gang.” “That seems like an unduly harsh way to put it,” Jiang Yanli murmured, inclining her head in thanks to Lan Xichen as she took her own. “After all, they’re helping people, aren’t they?” Wen Qing huffed. “Leverage,” she drawled. “If I ever find out who gave them that idea…!”

It's a lovely morning in the capital, and you have acquired a horrible goose.