Steve's fairly certain that he should find his current situation stranger than he does. He's still surprised, of course, and a little embarrassed, to find himself sitting with two highly trained assassins and an extraterrestrial who lends his name to a weekday while one of the world's greatest scientific minds purrs seductively to another about how they're all going to take turns fucking his ass, but not nearly as much as he'd have anticipated.

“TMZ has enough fun spreading rumors about just the two of us; just think of all the trouble they could cause if they knew I’d invited over all your superhero friends to fuck you until you scream.”

Bizarre alien peace rituals, drunken debacles, Jim Kirk's pornography, the phrase 'bet your sweet ass' taken way too literally, bar fights, everyone's favorite Orion and super advanced sex toys of the future you wish you had now. A love story.

John beats a thunderstorm home, Rose has melted all over the bathroom, and they make do despite the absence of their other two pieces.

Having an alien boyfriend is a little like an adventure and a little like a science experiment. Fortunately for you (and for your alien boyfriend), those are both things you really like.

Frank accidentally says Gerard's name during sex - with Jamia.

"Request is for trolls having 'opposite parts'. I know it doesn't really make sense with all the references to bone bulges, but let's pretend that troll men have vaginas and troll ladies have cocks. I want to see a troll and and one of the kids hook up and have lots of "oh god wtf you're backwards" confusion and alarm. I don't really care which pairing it is, but there's a lot of them it could be hilarious/cute with (John/Karkat, Rose/Kanaya, Dave/Terezi, Jade/Tavros, etc.) If it ends up being a troll girl with a human guy, bonus points for pegging!"

From the 2011 kink meme. The prompt was: Han/Gisele, pegging It's Han's first time and he loves it.

You squirm your way between her thighs and suddenly her hand is braced against you, right below your belly button, like she's holding you at bay. "Dave," she says, and she's alarmingly likely to be serious when she uses your name, "let's do it the other way this time."

"Come on! Do him for America, Chuey!" Hilary yelled.

In which a case of early-morning mistaken identity goes very, very right.

It starts out ironically, of course, but by the time Dave's wearing a corset and a swanky evening dress and Terezi's in a three-piece suit, Jade wants nothing more than to get them both into bed as soon as possible.

My MCU fanart. And to challenge myself, I'm writing a ficlet to go with every single piece.

Jackson has long since admitted that he likes being pushed around. (or: five times jackson whittemore takes it like a pro, because he likes to.)

Vanessa comes home to find Wade in a world of pain. She helps him take it over the edge to something he can deal with.

This is a mixfill of two prompts! Prompt 1: Jane/Equius - She's a classy blue heiress, he's probably resilient enough to survive surprise dominatrix mode, it could work. Prompt 2: Sharp dressed man, Equius Zahhak Gold watch, diamond ring I ain't missin' not a single thing And cufflinks, stick pin When I step out I'm gonna do you in They come runnin' just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man Equius Zahhak in some very nice clothes, getting undressed later by an interested party and preferably ridden hard to be put away wet. Possibly even at the party in some secluded alcove. C'mon, you know that the boy would be fiiiiiine in a tailored suit. And then it exploded on me and turned into an actual fic, god damn it. Stay tuned.

Sollux is invited to 'tentacle night' by his kismesis Roxy. He's a little confused when she shows up with more tentacles than him.

Care and fucking of your lispy bipolar nerd.

The two of you pretend to ignore them for a moment longer, until you just can’t hold in the laughter anymore and both lose it. While you’re catching your breath (and maybe still nibbling on Latula’s throat), she says, “So, dudes. You want in on this pants party or what?” They both say, “Yes,” at the same time, and they’re too distracted to do more than try to elbow each other in the ribs without taking their eyes off you, and it’s pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Usually I’m not the kinda guy to end things prematurely, but you may have noticed that a certain scene in my movie (I know you know the one I mean) got cut off before it really had a chance to get started. So here it is, for all your perverted pegging pleasure: my full-length, uncut account of International Women’s Day.

The strap-on was Wade's idea in the first place.

Despite the fact that Nozaki constantly insists that he’ll follow Ken-san to any department, they hadn’t quite figured that he meant it. That was mistake number one. Letting Nozaki-kun have free rein when it came to positioning them for his artwork, that was mistake number two.

Rule number one: Never take your eyes off the Mist. The Tenth is the only reason it works, and that's because Tsuna doesn't know how to give up on anything. Or anyone. And when it's the Tenth asking, somehow everyone just seems to end up going along with it one way or another in the end.

Dino Cavallone has a broad-minded sense of fair play.

101 ways to fix Xanxus. This series contains Alternate Histories all of which experiment with what changes might have led to Xanxus being only a little broken instead of totally insane.

Sometimes it's really difficult to figure out what Mukuro-sama actually wants.

It would not be an overstatement to say that Adam knows something about sex toys.

Short fics originally posted to my Tumblr, edited and collected here.

To be fair, part of it was Simone helping them communicate, setting them up, or, as she likes to tell it, “getting you to stop being dumbasses about each other.”

The Internet may be a great teacher, but you still have to know what you're looking for. Kala hadn't even thought to think of this before now.

By the time he’s done bathing, Huaisang is naked by the bed, setting his cock down on the table and picking up a jar. “Face down on the bed, A-Cheng,” he says absently, pouring oil into his hands and rubbing them together to warm them up. “You’re not gonna get strapped in?” He laughs lightly at Jiang Cheng’s confusion. “In a bit. I want to help you relax, not make you more tense.” His hands get oil all over Jiang Cheng’s arms as he drags him onto the bed, and he straddles his back once Jiang Cheng is in position. And then his fingers press hard into a knot Jiang Cheng didn’t even know he had in his shoulder, and Jiang Cheng melts into the sheets with a breathy moan.

Irrationally, he feels like he’s been caught. But Jiang Yanli knows. She’s known for a while; she knew even before he himself knew. But they’ve never - they’ve never actually talked about it, let alone… this. Whatever this is. Is he a bad husband? He feels like he should be, but Jiang Yanli isn't upset at him for it. If anything she's - she keeps pushing him toward Wen Ning, making excuses for Wen Ning to spend more time with them, and more bewilderingly, with him. He doesn’t get it, but he’s grateful - grateful that she loves him and trusts him like this, that she’s so unbothered by his... His odd, misplaced attraction to their flatmate. -- A companion piece/alternate POV for the first scene in Soft touch, soft heart by Verse.

Sometimes Shang likes to pretend that Mulan was really a man. Mulan has no objections to helping.

Mingjue’s thumbs stroke gently against the wings of his shoulders as he leans in, setting his mouth to Jiang Cheng’s ear. “Qingqing wants this, too. All three of us. You, me, her.” A shudder runs down Jiang Cheng’s spine; he’s dizzy, breath coming too fast, and he’s shamefully hard just from this, his erection trapped against the edge of the sink. “Would you like that, Cheng-di? It’s fine if you don’t, but if you do –” “Yes.” The word rasps out of him, echo-y and desperate. “I want that.”

“Yanli, I did not lie on our wedding night. You are the only woman I have gone to bed with. But… there was a man.” “Oh?” Yanli blinks up at him. She does not appear horrified, or betrayed, which is surely a good sign. Jin Zixuan swallows. “It was Sect Leader Nie,” he says quickly, as though that will make it easier. “…Oh,” says Yanli, and her eyes are dark. - Jin Zixuan tells his wife a war story. Or, two thousand words of Jin Zixuan getting railed.

A day in the life of one happily married couple: in which Jiang Yanli dresses her husband in lingerie, ties him to the headboard, and pegs him until he comes (multiple times) and cries.

While Luo Binghe is in the Abyss, Shen Qingqiu is struck by a strange poison that gives him a woman's body. The only solution: orgasm. Who on earth will be able to help him...?

Sometimes Jin Zixuan's life is complicated. When it comes to Jiang Yanli, though, things just seem to make perfect sense. Jin Zixuan loves his wife very much, but it is undeniable that she’s a little evil. Considering how terrible her brothers are, he counts himself lucky that her evil manifests, generally, in the form of playful mischief as opposed to, for example, putting beetles in his sheets. Unlike some Jiang siblings he could name.

Jiang Cheng is sort of having a complicated night. She tilts her chin up, moving to the beat of the track, and her eyes slide over him, top to bottom. The beat goes dirty and buzzing and she has to raise her voice to say, “I don’t do straight guys.” Someone grinds against him and he looks down at the prettiest girl he’s ever seen and says, stupid with something to prove, “Good thing I’m not straight, then.” He sounds like he’s sure of it, even though he’s not, but his best decisions have always been forced out of him by people bolder than he is.

In retrospect, Flower can totally understand why Geno didn't tell Sid who he actually was. Sid is incredibly persuasive when he wants to get laid.

Tyler winked at him. "Hey, want me to act all demure and nervous about it? That could be fun." The mind boggled. "No," Jamie said firmly.

Sometimes you just need to drive across Canada with your girlfriend, your girlfriend's girlfriend, your girlfriend's girlfriend's boyfriend, and a couple of dogs.

Various short smutty Tumblr prompts from July (oops). Pairings and prompt will be noted in the chapter titles.

There were a lot of wedding gifts, oddly enough, although they weren't all meant in exactly the same spirit.

Jon joins his king, and brother, in bed. And his queen.

Isabela is the last person Cullen expected to see in Skyhold, but since she's here, they might as well get re-acquainted.

Five times Tim had a wet dream about his best friend, and one time he didn't.

Sanji being tied up was a treat. The wiggly cook was hard to pin down, and he didn’t particularly like being restrained when they were on the high seas, just in case of an attack, but hotels? Docked safely on inhabited islands? They all quickly took advantage of the rest to string up their favorite chef. To watch him strain himself against the expertly tied knots and leather. The positions for only them to see and enjoy. Really, the cook of the Strawhat pirates was easily one of their most prized possessions.

Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan's first vacation after their wedding takes them to the Unclean Realm. Away from their parents and with a handsome man like Nie Mingjue by their side, their nights are spend fruitfully.

“I don’t have a small dick, idiot,” Alex openly laughed, a stark contrast to Henry’s quiet, reserved chuckle, “I have no dick.” Henry stared at him for a moment and Alex just looked back at him, taking a sip of his drink. “Funny,” he said with a flat voice, indicating that he did not, in any way, find it funny. “Well,” Alex moved to clarify, tilting his head to the side for just a moment, “I supposed I do. But it’s currently tucked away in my hotel room. And I’m not sure if you count t-dicks in what you’re referring to.” “I… don’t know what that means.” Alex laughed again, shaking his head this time, “Of course you don’t.” “Shall I google it?” And Alex couldn’t help but egg him on. “Oh, definitely. When this event is over, you should open up your laptop, pull up that special website you go to for your alone time and type ‘T-Dicks’ into the search bar. I promise it won’t disappoint.” OR Henry does as Alex suggests... and Alex is obsessed with how Henry looks when he falls apart. Lots of sex ensues.