“I want to make Naruto my heir,” Kakashi said bluntly.

Crackfic, AU. The Third Hokage granted Uchiha Itachi's request to spare the Uchiha children, only to realize too late that they were all horrible devil children. Literally. Which may be why Naruto fits right in with the rest of the little monsters Sasuke's too busy raising to brood.

Flashes of an unknown past haunt Naruto, entwining his steps with those of a former life no longer content to stay forgotten. There's a voice on the wind and another lifetime in his head, and it’s time for Uzushio’s Storm God to rise once more. (The soul of a city is a hard thing to kill. Uzushio is still aware, still waiting. And now, with the rebirth of her greatest Kage, it’s time to call her people home.)

For the sake of his pride, Jiraiya's going to imagine that his double went out in the bed of some voracious and lusty twins—no, make that triplets, with everyone wildly satisfied and a smile on his face. The whole alternate universe thing is easier to swallow that way.

Itachi and Madara massacre the clan, but they miss one member. Obito, loyal Konoha ANBU and disowned Uchiha, suddenly finds himself out of the organization that’s been his life for eight years and raising a traumatized, orphaned child. Kakashi helps. Or watches and plays the smartass, it’s a bit of a tossup.

After the loss of his wife and his predecessor, Minato throws himself into his work, leaving his son almost entirely alone. Naruto grows up shunned but never outright reviled, aware of his burden and achingly lonely. But it’s not his way to give up, and someday, with the help of Kakashi, Obito, and a few faithful friends, he’s going to show his father just what kind of shinobi he can be.

Genma is a very good assassin. He takes a job, takes a life, comes home, repeats. Then one day a stray genin shows up on his doorstep. And then another. Lonely assassin? Not so much. Try resident shinobi den mother. [In which Genma is a (very manly) mother hen, his apartment attracts strays, and all of his (bastard) friends are quite amused.]

Eight-year-old Sasuke is a broken soul. Eight-year-old Naruto is a hated demon-carrier. Eight-year-old Sakura is a bright girl whose parents are killed unexpectedly in a house fire. They meet as three orphans desperate to become the strongest of ninja and in the process find a new family.

Orochimaru is on the edge of breaking when someone unexpected pulls him back to solid ground. When the time comes, he returns the favor.

He was a chuunin academy teacher, not a courtier trained in statecraft and diplomacy.

In which the Sage of Six Paths decides he doesn’t like the ending, and Tobirama gets dragged along to fix things. The outcome is most definitely not what he expected.

He cannot help but compare himself to the swords that hang on the wall, silver and pale and edged with red, kept in sheathes until they're needed to kill. (At five years old he takes a needle and inks red into his own skin, sharp slashes like the cut of a knife on each cheek, and it’s the first time Uchiha Tajima ever looks at him and smiles.)

Prompt: Anonymous said: I wish you would write fic where Kakashi is not the only Hatake around

For a prompt on my Tumblr: omg Utakata and Haku making delicate icebubble art pieces in the winter and Zabuza scoffs at them but he still sits and watches them put the pieces together and even volunteers kubikiribocho sometimes because that hole at the end is a pretty good bubble ring.

In which Tobirama is sort of Obi-Wan, Madara is Anakin but not quite, and Obito and Kakashi don’t quite fit the roles of Asajj Ventress and Luke Skywalker but try their best regardless.

Orochimaru and his sons crash-land in Karakura. Soul Society is most definitely not prepared for what’s coming.

He had died- honorably, he'd like to think, despite living as a villain and an assassin for over half a century- and that, as far as Xanxus had ever figured, would be the end of that. No heaven. No hell. Just life when you were breathing and nothingness when you stopped. Except that it didn't, quite, turn out that way. Except he came back as the son of the kindest, sometimes saddest father in the world. In both worlds. A father that he knew, without a doubt, to be his flesh and blood. All at once, Xanxus had everything he'd wanted as a child. A home. A family. Stability. And he was going to fight like hell and beat down anyone who tried to take it from him, no matter what his age. (In which Sakumo raises a son who speaks multiple languages from birth, all of them gibberish to the poor single father jounin, spits vulgarity with the same ease as he does his praise and burns with an unshakable determination to build himself a family that will not fall, no matter who or what is thrown against it.)

Sasuke Uchiha is cheerful, forever smiling, and deadly with a sword in hand. Team 7 is cohesive, capable, and formidable apart but unbeatable when together. This world is better for all of it. [OR: Takeshi and Sasuke are one and the same. Mafioso and shinobi aren't so different, after all.]

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

Originally, Gaara thought the plan - brought to him by a desperate and shaken Naruto on the last holding place of the world's few remaining shinobi - was both insane and impossible. No one ever accused Gaara of being sane, nor sensible, so he agreed anyway. He hadn't really expected it to work.

“What do you mean, you’re related to the Nidaime?!” Izumo demands, hands flapping faintly like he can’t decide whether to strangle Kotetsu or flail.

“Oh?” Orochimaru asks sweetly, trying to judge the room they're in. Some sort of military headquarters, predictably. “They let me keep my doctorates? How kind. But I assume this wasn’t a test of how many low-level guards I could put in the morgue—” “Three,” the younger soldier standing at Danzō’s shoulder cuts in, righteous anger darkening his features. “Three in the morgue, six in the hospital.” “Oh my, you caught me on an off day.” Orochimaru gives the young man his best flirtatious smirk. “Come back tomorrow and I promise, I’ll at least double both counts.” (Or, that Suicide Squad!AU no one asked for and no one wanted, but I wrote anyway. I'm not sorry.)

As a last resort, they finally send Mikoto to talk to her. Kushina's not impressed, even though she has to admire their tenacity. They’ve tried three different elders, the woman who works at the ramen stand she likes almost as much as Teuchi’s, and Fugaku. Apparently, after the utter failure of that last one, they're attempting to pull out all the stops.

Kakashi lives in the darkness, which is more than he deserves, but for Naruto he'll step into the light.

For a prompt on my Tumblr: de-aged oro???? he was such a cute kid and i can just see everybody going wtf.

There's a monster whispering in Minato's head, curled around his soul. It’s vast and hungry and full of fury, radiates it and basks in it and lets it spill over through the bars that cage it. If Minato had one ounce more energy, he would rage too, but— Anger is a luxury right now, an indulgence. He can't afford it.

“Mom! Dad! Father! Someone’s at the door!” “Oh gods,” Sakura mutters, head halfway buried under the pillow. “How did she get your lungs, Naruto?” There's a sound of tired agreement from her left, though Sasuke doesn’t even attempt to pick his face up out of the mattress. “You're the medic-nin,” Naruto says, amused, and pushes up on one elbow to squint blearily at the bedroom door. “Want to draw straws?” “You're already up,” Sasuke probably says, though even Naruto's ears have a hard time catching it. “And before eight they're your kids.”

It should probably be more of a surprise than it is for Iruka to find his lover of fourteen months shivering on his doorstep, the blond little boy that Konoha has been searching so desperately for clutched in his arms.

While everyone in Suna concerns themselves with Gaara, terrified that the One-Tail might break free and rampage through their Village, they forget a few key facts. First, that just because Shukaku is the largest demon in Suna does not make the Bijuu the only demon in Wind Country, or even the only demon sealed away in Hidden Sand. Second, that Raza has two elder children that are just as capable of ushering in Suna's doom as their youngest sibling is. Third, Kankurou is the overlooked middle child who just wants to play with his baby brother. Remember these facts. They're important. Especially the third one.

When Uzumaki Naruto breathed his last, he didn’t expect to wake up in the world of the living again. He was old, and tired, and so, so ready to move on. And, well...he wanted to see his wife again, dammit. But, of course, that wasn't what happened. Why? Naruto screamed at the powers-that-loved-to-fuck-with-his-life-and-now-his-afterlife-too, with tears streaking down his cheeks, feeling cold, weak, hungry, and utterly disgusted. Because you’re everybody’s bitch, Kurama helpfully supplied.

Tobirama loved Itama enough to go against the natural laws in an attempt to bring him back. For Itama, it’s time to return the favor.

“Why does the paper say you're dating?” Dick asks, waving the Sunday edition in Bruce's face. Bruce doesn’t let his expression so much as twitch. Dick can sense blood in the water the same way a shark can, and he knows Bruce far too well. “Does it?” he asks mildly.