The thing about Karkat Vantas is, he might be a pompous, noisy windbag with an inflated opinion of his own importance, and if he was suddenly struck down by some kind of vicious troll laryngitis the universe's total amount of chill and quiet would suddenly go up three levels... But turns out he's also a great fuck.

John introduces his best human friend to his best troll friend. Maybe the three of them sit down to watch romcoms, maybe they're just hanging around a lab in the veil, but whatever the circumstance, Dave has trouble paying attention to the conversation at hand. Karkat is good looking and distracting and it's just not fair. Naturally, he begins distracting Karkat while John's talking. Little touches, lip licks, etc. Karkat gets flustered, Dave is thrilled, John is oblivious. It turns into a competition to see who can flirt the most without alerting John to their UST-fueled game.

You're still Dave Strider, and you're pretty sure a certain troll is burning up your lifetime supply of chill. Dave has convinced himself that the thing he has with Karkat is about lust and only lust -- yet when the curiosity of his his closest friends forces him to examine it in more detail, he's acutely uncomfortable with what he finds. --- Sequel to Lousy Stupid Goddamned Pretty Troll Boy.

Everything is more fun when there's something at stake, right? Swinging ought to be the same.

"You've got no fucking clue which end is up about this kind of thing, do you?" Karkat asks, almost gently. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone off on you. You're such a huge bitch it's easy to forget you weren't hatched like this."

Dave was…off since he’d seen the alternate teenage version of his bro in person. For the most part he seemed okay, and Karkat couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that was off about him, but there was something.

"They just watch," John says, kicking the mop bucket into the broom closet after a hard day's asteroid-cleaning. "I guess chores are like a spectator sport for trolls? It's pretty weird! But... that's trolls for you!"

Dave can't talk dirty without making a fool of himself; to no one's surprise, Karkat is a screamer; and in summary, Dave and Karkat are terrible people to room next to.

Since the universe knows just how terrible Karkat Vantas is, the unseen forces of fate decide to make him live with Dave Strider. Little did he know that Mr. Insufferable Prick would end up being the main reason he survived college.

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window. There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen. “Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says. And then it swallows you.

Someone demanded human/troll kismeses having anal sex, with those headcanons: #1 Since trolls have nooks, anal sex is regarded as strictly taboo. Or not even taboo, perhaps just really odd and kinky, like, why would you put that there??? #2 Anal sex is strictly reserved for the caliginous quadrant, as a means of showing dominance over your partner. I don’t mean non-con or even dub-con; after a bout of fighting or arguing or whatever, the winner can choose to propose it and the loser can choose to accept it as an expression of rightfully-earned submission.

The trollmance novel turns from soap opera to smut in 30 seconds.

Dave and Karkat have a little fight over who pushed the buttons that swapped their species, and it turns into extensive scientific experimentation of a different kind altogether.

j wanted super drift compatable davekats

TG: youre clear for take off captain TG: if you know what i mean TG: clear skies are you ready to soar into that sexy sunsets pinkish embrace TG: sort of an angry red in places

You had thought he’d been so adamant about you coming over after school today to ask you out. And instead he gives you a fucking dick in a box and you tell him to take off his pants. Fucking great. Wow you suck.

“You have tits? When did that happen??” He facepalms; “Last molt,” he grumbles from behind his palms. “When you disappeared for a while? That’s what that was?” “Yes Dave, when trolls reach that special molting phase, they grow rumblespheres. Mammals.” He spits the last word as a curse and you’re pretty sure you’re offended.

"No, but answer me this, do you want to invalidate this whole farce of a legal and religious joining of blah-di-fucking-blah? Because I have looked at your laws and if we don't consummate the union it's not valid!" -- Anonymous asked: Davekat. Arranged marriage! The first time they are alone together is on their wedding night.

The first rule of Troll Fight Club is : you don't talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Troll Fight Club is : you don't. Talk. About Fight Club. And you sure as hell don't let humans join.

*Could we have more of the arranged marriage ficlet? Pretty please? *Oh goodness is it too late to ask for a wedding night continuation? Are these prompts still a thing?? *DaveKat: First time ( could be continuation of other prompt or not) Karkat has mad bedroom skills and Dave tries to keep his cool. * Arranged Marriage Ficlet! Tomorrow! Deverginizing Dave

So, yeah. This is longer than 500 words. I started writing and immediately got sucked into (super basic) world-building and (minimal) scene-setting, which is exactly what this exercise is supposed to prevent. When I realized what I was doing I said well shit and skipped straight to the porn, which, unsurprisingly, also didn’t limit itself to 500 words. And then that little scene-setting bit was up there just looking accusingly at me, so I finished it off to some extent, and that’s what you have here: a little chunk of set-up and a little chunk of smut, extremely sloppily stuck together. Maybe I’ll make this less sloppy some day. It was terrific fun to write. This is a post-Sburb universe reset where the game made a little mistake and accidentally swapped the players’ species on the way out. Whoopsies! There’s possibly some body-dysphoria business going on if you’re sensitive to that, but nothing too extreme.

The sensible thing would be to get out of here and revert to plan "avoid everyone until we're through this bubble." You've seen how scary-violent trolls can get. On the other hand, Karkat. You've been increasingly aware of your own Karkat as a potential makeouts friend for months now, which might be just a lack of other options who aren't a) your ex, b) your sister, c) dating your sister, d) the Mayor, or e) COMPLETELY PSYCHO, but despite the poor reasoning it's still a thing. Your Karkat has seemed pretty oblivious. Evil Karkat, though....

"What gives?" he says then, as he shrugs his way out of the gi and you watch the changing shadows under his collarbone. "Some chump at this party still has a turtleneck on." "Yeah, well, some asshole around here doesn't know how to shut up and let himself be spoiled," you say. "Get in the goddamn tub, Strider."

"The point," Karkat says, balling up the cape and tossing it over one shoulder, "is that I'm curious as fuck about your horrific alien biology, but you never take off any clothes, or let me see anything, really." "Oh, man," Dave groans. "There's nothing to see, jesus."

A fantasy: Dave doesn’t leave a block as soon as you enter it.

Dave and Karkat have storytime with the trollmance novel. -If Dave isn’t going to get jolly over some fantasy troll getting eaten out, he is maybe going to get a little jolly over Karkat getting jolly over some fantasy troll getting eaten out.-

Life may suck but at least Dave still owns a copy of Grease.