"We should probably go soon, anyway," she says. "There's an unconscious man in the ladies' bathroom with 'wanker' written on his forehead – people are going to start asking questions."

Or A Brief Sketch Of An Ideal Outcome For An Entirely Fictional And Deeply But Unnecessarily Disturbed Relationship Dedicated To Certain Individuals Who Even When Figuratively Armed With Vessels Of Water And Saccharine Coatings Cannot Take A Hint

The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor. -Wilma Scott Heide

Generally speaking, Kaner is the kind of girl you hear before you see coming. In some cases, literally. --- AKA the one where Jonny accidentally watches Kaner and Segs fucking over skype.

"Request is for trolls having 'opposite parts'. I know it doesn't really make sense with all the references to bone bulges, but let's pretend that troll men have vaginas and troll ladies have cocks. I want to see a troll and and one of the kids hook up and have lots of "oh god wtf you're backwards" confusion and alarm. I don't really care which pairing it is, but there's a lot of them it could be hilarious/cute with (John/Karkat, Rose/Kanaya, Dave/Terezi, Jade/Tavros, etc.) If it ends up being a troll girl with a human guy, bonus points for pegging!"

Somehow, Scott managed to wind up on the wrong end of a genderswapping spell. Turns out, it's not a completely bad thing.

It’s extra great—whenever Jo’s losing, she always makes like their running point tally competition isn’t real. Tonight’s true to form: when Trish holds up three fingers and points at herself, then two before pointing at Jo, Jo actually scoffs as she pokes at a couple chicken breasts with the tongs, trying to find the best one.

Evgeniya Malkin was absolutely not expecting to hook up at the NHL Awards.

"Relena was a polite, well-bred lady, and did not look at people's crotches. Even when they wore skintight spandex shorts that seemed painted on." Girl!Heero. One-sided, mostly subtexty pairings, no get-together.

TG: youre clear for take off captain TG: if you know what i mean TG: clear skies are you ready to soar into that sexy sunsets pinkish embrace TG: sort of an angry red in places

She hasn’t had a partner-assisted orgasm in over a week and a half, and she is just beyond done. She wants to lie down on the cold bathroom floor and cry. Derek is starting to look like a permanently kicked puppy. “Look,” she tells him after dinner, “I love your inner self and your personality or whatever, but can I just tie you up and use your body until I come a couple times?” Derek fumbles the sudsy glass in his hand. “Awesome!” Stiles says brightly.

When Trish Barnes walks into the Dreamatorium and becomes Constable Reggie, it doesn't seem like anything's going to go any differently than it had the other times she and Abia became the Inspector and Constable. Until Abia tells her that to release the bonds keeping Inspector Spacetime the prisoner of the Floobidians, all Trish needs to do is tell Abia a huge secret. And only one secret comes to mind.

Five Times Jonny Noticed Kaner and One Time Kaner Noticed Her Back “I mean it, Tazer baby. We’re gonna show those boys how it’s done.” And Jonny looked her up and down one more time, before reaching out to tug a few curls into place, flicking her on the nose once for good measure. “We always do,” she said, and her gaze was locked on Kaner’s and Kaner felt like she could take over the entire world.

"Why does Ra's know how old my piercings are?" Tim asks, and does he know where they are.

Naruto has a secret. So does Sasuke. And Sakura. Just how were the genin teams picked again?

Gaara's breath breezed soft against Lee's thigh. "Hold still." Lee did her best to stop moving, but it was difficult.

Dorian isn't interested. What a silly idea.

Yusuke isn't the only spirit detective in the world. Five AUs.

Five lives Arya Stark had with Gendry Waters, and the one that she didn't. Or, (This is how she meets a man with a mop of black hair and eyes the colour of the seas who is quiet and strong and tall where she is loud and brash and small.)

"Double-check the wards properly! Dying of awesome sex would be a good way to go if we have to, but I'm not keeling over before I get my diploma, okay?" John rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." Jade keeps watching him from the corner of her eye for a few seconds; he seems to be doing it seriously, at least, even if he's still huffy. "Bluh. I get why you'd need to pass demonology, but not why I need it if my major is weather magic." -- Anonymous asked: John/Jade/Karkat - John and Jade are demon summoners (for reasons) trying to call up an incubus/succubus (for reasons). They get Karkat.

The stars in a little slave’s eyes when she falls in love with a glamorous boy are the same as they would be in any other universe.

Jeyne Snow and her siblings as the world falls apart around them.

Jonelle’s a bastard, right? So she’ll be at the back of the tent when Robert asks Sansa what happened with Joffrey and Arya and Nymeria. She’ll hear Sansa’s soft, quiet whisper- I didn’t see- and Arya’s scream, she’ll hear Cersei’s sentence, her father’s answer. And Jonelle’s as righteous and angry as Jon ever is, and so she doesn’t hesitate to turn around and leave, to use Robb’s parting gift to her- a sharp-edged Valyrian steel imitation dagger- to smash open Ghost’s and Lady’s chains and chase them away. [In which Jon Snow is Jonelle Snow, and goes south with her sisters.]

“I still owe you a proper Thank You,” Alex whispers. His fingertips skim down the front of her shirt as he sinks to his knees.

Lan Wangji is going to die. Lan Wangji is going to die, and it isn’t even a hyperbole; she is entirely ready to collapse in her seat like a marionette with its strings cut off. The vibrator inside her pulses, and Lan Wangji can barely stop herself from lurching forward and letting out a loud groan. She resists a glance at the row of seats behind her; she knows that Wei Ying is there, watching, and she isn’t entirely sure she isn’t going to come at the sight of Wei Ying’s lazy little smirk. Truly—the things Wei Ying has made her do—shameless. (or; Lan Wangji wears a vibrator to class at the behest of her fuckbuddy Wei Ying, and it ends up a lot hotter and more emotional for both of them.)

Mingjue hadn't even realised Meng Yao still had her number when she texts to invite herself over at eleven o'clock at night.

Wei Ying was sprawled on the floor in front of the oscillating fan when Lan Zhan got home from work.

While Luo Binghe is in the Abyss, Shen Qingqiu is struck by a strange poison that gives him a woman's body. The only solution: orgasm. Who on earth will be able to help him...?

“Shizun…” Shen Qingqiu looks up from where he’s kneeled at his writing desk, meeting the dark, hooded gaze of his husband standing beside him. Binghe is already dressed down to only a thin inner shirt that covers down to his upper thighs. At this angle, Shen Qingqiu can nearly see under it, blushing as Binghe’s hand slides enticingly up his thigh to drag the robe up and aside, parting just enough to display his pretty, already wet pussy. He swallows thickly, putting down his ink brush as he stares up at his husband’s shameless behaviour. Bingqiu find a flower with a unique side effect and find they really quite like the change.

prompt: The junior generation is full of girls

Derek’s had a rough life up until this point. He’s beginning to learn perspective, and in the scheme of things, being a temporary woman is pretty minor.

Geno and Sid are stuck missing the All-Star Game because they've had their genitals temporarily rearranged. It happens. They make the breast of it.

This whole thing had started back in their first year in the league, when Alex had dragged Sydney out drinking with what looked like every Russian in New York City after one of their million joint press-and-photo-shoot events. Everyone wanted a piece of the first two women to play in the NHL, and if they could take a piece of both of them at the same time, so much the better.

Geno's a dom and only a dom, Sidney's a sub who doms sometimes but only because people keep asking her nicely, and all their feelings for each other are entirely platonic. Yeah right.

Tyler winked at him. "Hey, want me to act all demure and nervous about it? That could be fun." The mind boggled. "No," Jamie said firmly.

Tyler gets traded to Dallas on a Thursday.

"I, uh, basically want Eichel to blow wide-eyed girl!McDavid's mind. And for him to be kind of a dick about it." Connor's attempt to buy herself a vibrator is thwarted, but there's still a happy ending.

Jack Eichel has 99 problems and Connor McDavid is... well. More of them than he thinks. In which Jack hates Connor McDavid, who he's never met, quietly pines after the cute girl he always sees in the gym, and has no idea that these two things are related.

Jack has a huge dick. Jack is a huge dick. Unfortunately, he's also the best lay of Connie's life.

Auston’s ex-girlfriend didn’t need to warn him off. He’s never met a girl who was so obviously, so completely, so spectacularly out of his league as Mitch Marner.

Jamie’s always known his girlfriend has a dirty mind.

"Okay. Hold on." Dabi takes a moment to wrap his brain around this new development. "Okay, no, wait, so you're—did you get quirked or something and turn into a girl?" Hawks grimaces and runs a hand through (his? her? God, this is going to be a long day) his hair. His designer jeans jacket slides off one shoulder, too big on his now-smaller frame. He's wearing civilian clothing, which didn't help with the recognition. "Well, you know. Win some, lose some."

Shang Qinghua peeked over his shoulder. “My king, ah, I’m really embarrassed.” “What are you embarrassed…” Mobei Jun started, eyes trailing down Shang Qinghua’s neck, stopping obtusely at his chest. Where Shang Qinghua was once flat, it now seemed that he had developed two round hills. -- In which Shang Qinghua plays around with his cultivation and encounters a slight problem. Of course, Mobei Jun is eager to help his husband.

Tentatively, Suguru swipes his fingers through the slickness on his inner thighs. It’s thick - definitely too thick to be piss - and slightly tacky, sticking to his fingers when he pulls them apart. Inching his fingertips up, he follows the trail of wetness. His fingers graze just below his balls, meeting with a slit that definitely wasn’t there this morning... Pressing his fingers to the slit, he spreads them, revealing a tight, twitching hole and a little pink nub just below the apex of his new folds. A pussy… he has a pussy… Suguru ingests a curse that has some interesting side effects.

“You wouldn’t say no to a woman with bread in her skirt, would you?” the bard says.