He's not cute anymore, is the thing. He's not small and scrawny and bug-eyed with shock, standing there like a tool as a water-holding device plummets down to become his new hat. He's… He's… Prowly.

Karkat has been acting strange lately -- calm, unflappable, and sometimes even smiling dreamily at nothing -- and while it's something of a respite from his usual yelling, it's gone on long enough the others are concerned. They make vague plans to find out just what the hell is going on, but John, as the only person who can still get under Karkat's skin, decides on a direct approach... and discovers some very interesting things indeed about his favorite shouty troll and his unnerving moirail.

After three years out of contact, John and Karkat can finally talk again. The conversation doesn't go quite the way they were expecting. Now the three weeks it will take the golden ship to match velocities with the asteroid seem like three million. Why are the laws of physics so unkind to desperate teenaged boys? [an antidote to sadstuck! if this is not the fluffiest, most sentimental xenoporn ever written, i will eat my writekind specibus.]

Those fucking humans. You remember. They won. They won everything. They even won you. Won all of you back from your dead-end fucking universe and took you with them into their reality-spraining victory. Cheating nookstains didn’t even fight; they won by ‘shenanigans’, that peculiarly human trick of winning-by-not-playing. And in that inside-out, backwards way of theirs, they never even considered keeping all the spoils for themselves.

In which a mutant too famous to cull is dropped like a grenade into the midst of the peace process, a foolish monarch proves himself secretly shrewd, the power of friendship functions as a force multiplier, and it is discovered that in the Great Game of espionage, the dealer does not always win.

John is one of eight mech pilots heroically protecting Earth from an alien invasion. Pretty easy on the moral choices. See evil monster from space, kill evil monster from space. Only then he actually meets one of them face to face.

"Gosh, Karkat! That's not what I was expecting at all!" Fanart drawn for Porn Battle XII.

Karkat has gone really still. He opens his mouth. Closes his mouth. Opens his mouth-- "No. On second thought, no. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I said I would do this. I have never had even the slightest desire to do this." "Uh," John says. "Okay?"

Choose lasagna as good first meal for boy humans (1) and boy trolls (1) to show you can overcome this cooking thing. Feel impugned when Rose suggests you would both eat popcorn between two slices of bread and call it a day. Advise her you only did that the once.

When all they have left to hold onto is each other, how can they ever let go?

There are some things you have to do as a friendleader, and some you have to do as a friend. Sometimes, it's the same thing.

Karkat is all for cultural exchanges and trying to see each others point of view, but there is such a thing as going too damned far.

Teasing can be frustrating, but it will all be worth it in the end - right?

Once Karkat figures out the trick to getting John's attention, it's all smooth sailing from there.

When you open yourself up completely to someone else, you also make yourself completely vulnerable.

John/Karkat, John/Eridan, commentfic, PG. Fanfiction by Dave Strider.

Title: Learning Each Other (Got a lot to learn) Summary: "Karkat," you say, because it feels amazing but you can't help yourself, "is that an octopus in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" "That is the stupidest pickup line in either of our universes," Karkat says, his face gray-red and his pupils huge, "and I dare you to find out." Title: Tomb Raiders Summary: Faint heart never won fair lady, you think. Or fair gentleman either. "If you're going to kiss me," you say, "now would be an excellent time." Title: Dirk: Take Charge Summary: You're going to leave the toybox in the closet tonight, because you are fairly certain that you can ruin him six ways to Sunday without even a pair of fuzzy handcuffs to back you up, and you really don't want to give the poor guy an aneurysm or something. Humanstuck, aged-up characters, dom/sub, ssc, being STRONG is sexy, porn battle, Title: Strength of Character Summary: Polite, a natural leader, and unusually strong. John is certainly a human worth paying further attention to.

Arson Clinic engages in a nerdy rap battle with Lil Cal while stagehand Karkat smokes in an alley behind the venue and hates life. Meanwhile, homeless punk John Egbert goes on a quest for a little rubber alien.... AND THEN THEY ALL ROCK.

For the prompt: i'd like either john/karkat or rose/kanaya, where the troll language is very different from english, and karkat/kanaya keeps lapsing into their native language during cute or ~*intimate*~ moments.

prompt runs: Bad End AU where all the trolls and kids are together on the asteroid behind the Veil. So the facility they have there has tons of weird machines and stuff. John and Karkat for some reason are exploring some parts no one's been in yet and through. Cue some tripping/curious button pressing whatever, so long as john someone gets zapped by some sort of crazy dna altering device and whoa! Suddenly troll!John. And Karkat has to help him deal with the new changes (Horn sensitivity and troll anatomy being fairly different from human anatomy) , even though it he bitches about it the ENTIRE time. There are sexy results at some point. Bonus - He ends up with a fairly high ranking blood type which reaaally pisses Karkat off.

“Wow, you actually sleep in this stuff?” John asked, staring into Karkat's recuperacoon.

I want some Karkat x John please :3

Being an adult is hard, it is hard and no one understands. Particularly when your only child starts polyamorously dating aliens.

“Okay,” he says, “Do it again.” “—————,” replies Karkat.

John and Karkat find themselves on opposite ends of the universe after the game.

Karter Vantas loses his bus pass and gets a couple of quarters from some random guy, who turns out to be mind-blowingly annoying. To cope with his fiery rage, Karter posts a long-winded, colorful rant on the Missed Connections section of craigslist, and then puts it out of his mind. What ends up happening is the very last thing he ever could have expected: he gets a response.

"Request is for trolls having 'opposite parts'. I know it doesn't really make sense with all the references to bone bulges, but let's pretend that troll men have vaginas and troll ladies have cocks. I want to see a troll and and one of the kids hook up and have lots of "oh god wtf you're backwards" confusion and alarm. I don't really care which pairing it is, but there's a lot of them it could be hilarious/cute with (John/Karkat, Rose/Kanaya, Dave/Terezi, Jade/Tavros, etc.) If it ends up being a troll girl with a human guy, bonus points for pegging!"

It's a cross between an office romance and a hostile alien takeover, and it ends just the way you would expect.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] - CG: THE INEVITABLE HAS OCCURRED. CG: SOME MICROORGANISM ENDEMIC TO THIS FECULENTLY OVERCROWDED PLANET HAS MUTATED SUFFICIENTLY TO COLONIZE MY DEFENSELESS BLOODSTREAM. CG: MIMICKING PRECISELY THE SCENARIO FROM THE HUMAN LITERARY CLASSIC ‘WAR OF THE WORLDS’ CG: EXCEPT THAT INSTEAD OF SAVING THE HUMANS FROM DESTRUCTION AT THE GRUESOME APPENDAGES OF MINDLESS GENOCIDAL MONSTERS, THIS HEROIC MICROBE HAS SAVED YOUR PATHETIC ASS FROM MY COMPAF;DS’ CG: COMPARATIVELY MILD WRATH AT YOUR COMPLETE FUCKING INABILITY TO EVER DO DISHES EVER. CG: SO BASICALLY NOTHING LIKE THE BOOK AT ALL EXCEPT THAT I’M DISEASED.

Anonymous asked: JohnKat urban fantasy ((that was so vaaaague aaaaaaaa urban fantasy had so many possibilities D: i went with one of the silliest because i could, bwahaha.))

Wherein, Having Beaten A Game, All Players Are Taken Back To The Same, Worst Available Universe, With Species Changes To Match For Those Who Did Not Match Beforehand. In short: You're all trolls now, welcome to Alternia.

John Egbert is totally the master of hateflirting.

A refugee ship from a dying planet crash lands on the Southern Continent during the Ninth Pass. Can a handful of troll kids and a former Empress carve out a Hold and Weyr for themselves without giving too many hidebound Holders heart attacks?

Your name is John Egbert and you know you are not a homosexual. Apparently your friends were informed otherwise.