Making a dick joke was a strategic error. You put the subject on the metaphorical table. You're now thinking about troll dick.

You are watching Dave Strider make out with himself, and now you understand why people stand on the beach and take pictures of an oncoming tsunami instead of running for high ground. You physically cannot look away from this, let alone leave.

After three years out of contact, John and Karkat can finally talk again. The conversation doesn't go quite the way they were expecting. Now the three weeks it will take the golden ship to match velocities with the asteroid seem like three million. Why are the laws of physics so unkind to desperate teenaged boys? [an antidote to sadstuck! if this is not the fluffiest, most sentimental xenoporn ever written, i will eat my writekind specibus.]

QUIIIIIZ )I got Knight of Light

Karkat has been acting strange lately -- calm, unflappable, and sometimes even smiling dreamily at nothing -- and while it's something of a respite from his usual yelling, it's gone on long enough the others are concerned. They make vague plans to find out just what the hell is going on, but John, as the only person who can still get under Karkat's skin, decides on a direct approach... and discovers some very interesting things indeed about his favorite shouty troll and his unnerving moirail.

'There was only one thing worse than Dave Strider's smug motherfucker act, and it was his smug motherfucker act after he'd won a bet.' In which Karkat has lost a bet to Dave and turns paying up into payback.

IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT INTERSPECIES RELATIONS ARE RAPIDLY DEVOLVING INTO SLOPPY MAKEOUTS THAT THREATEN TO BECOME DISGUSTINGLY MORE INTIMATE. IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP YOU IDIOTS FROM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER WEIRD XENOBIOLOGY AND EMBARRASSING EVERYONE IN THE WORST WAYS POSSIBLE, I HAVE COMPILED THIS GUIDE, WHICH SHOULD BE SHORT ENOUGH THAT EVEN THOSE OF YOU WITH THE ATTENTION SPANS OF SMALL INSECTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ IT ALL IN ONE SITTING.

Your moirail is something of a shambling disaster -- his hair is a tangled, frizzy mess, his clothes are tattered at the hems and grimy, and he could stand a wash or five himself. But it isn't, you've realized, that Gamzee doesn't want to care for himself, it's more that he doesn't know how to take care of himself well. You're not sure why, since he had access to the same schoolfeeding as everyone else, but maybe it was because he was alone too much for so long. Maybe it's hard to care, or know to care, when there's no one to fuss over you.

You're still Dave Strider, and you're pretty sure a certain troll is burning up your lifetime supply of chill. Dave has convinced himself that the thing he has with Karkat is about lust and only lust -- yet when the curiosity of his his closest friends forces him to examine it in more detail, he's acutely uncomfortable with what he finds. --- Sequel to Lousy Stupid Goddamned Pretty Troll Boy.

John introduces his best human friend to his best troll friend. Maybe the three of them sit down to watch romcoms, maybe they're just hanging around a lab in the veil, but whatever the circumstance, Dave has trouble paying attention to the conversation at hand. Karkat is good looking and distracting and it's just not fair. Naturally, he begins distracting Karkat while John's talking. Little touches, lip licks, etc. Karkat gets flustered, Dave is thrilled, John is oblivious. It turns into a competition to see who can flirt the most without alerting John to their UST-fueled game.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:45 -- GG: hey john, i thought you were going to bed early! EB: nd she kissed him full on the mouth with lots of to EB: GAH GG: :O ??? EB: damn it jade, you and your ninja windows! pretend you didn't see anything okay.

Dave has a thing for large breasts. Jade discovers she does too.

The thing about Karkat Vantas is, he might be a pompous, noisy windbag with an inflated opinion of his own importance, and if he was suddenly struck down by some kind of vicious troll laryngitis the universe's total amount of chill and quiet would suddenly go up three levels... But turns out he's also a great fuck.

What do you do with your own cadaver? Not to mention the bodies of your friends and guardians? A story of the first days traveling the yellow yard.

There are certain expectations in troll society about taking in a freeloader with no place to go, as Dad Egbert finds out when he offers to host two of his son's stranded friends post-game.

Of course he'd caught the little glances. Sneaky or not, they'd been going on for perigees now; he would have had to be blind, and also to be hit on the head with something heavy and not skull-friendly. At first he hadn't cared because of course it was Leader-envy, or admiration or secret crushes or what the fuck ever they had other shit to do and if someone wanted to speak up they could and in the meantime fuck you, and after that for a while he'd mostly gritted his teeth and tried to tell himself it was just paranoia and/or perfectly normal group dynamics in a long-term close quarters arrangement. Right? Right. Only they'd never looked at him that way before he and Gamzee hooked up, and then he realized it wasn't him people looked at, it was at them. -- Now with sequel! "Holy fucking shit, this is the kinkiest thing I have ever done." Woo conciliatory shenanigans.

He's not cute anymore, is the thing. He's not small and scrawny and bug-eyed with shock, standing there like a tool as a water-holding device plummets down to become his new hat. He's… He's… Prowly.

"The first watch keeps the correct time. Always. Terezi tried starting out of sync the third time they played this game, but without that one thread of the right beat to cling to, the grating wrongness of the other watches knocked Dave out of the mood long before he could hit trance state." Terezi/Dave, idiosycratic forms of bondage.

Karkat and Gamzee cuddle on the meteor road trip to nowhere.

Prompt: Let's have a thing where going God Tier has made the humans' genetic material and other bodily fluids sparkly and rainbow colored. Then let's take that thing and make it into another thing where we see the reactions of all the trolls to this. GOGOGO!

Wherein Karkat Vantas asks Dave Strider an important question about quadrants and romantic intentions; after much soul-searching and random digression, Dave gives him an unexpected answer; and Terezi Pyrope's approval is sought for potential kinky shenanigans.

Here is the second edition of Awesome Ladies Podfic Anthology! This collection brings together 104 woman-centered stories by 86 different authors and 47 different podficcers in 64 fandoms, for a total running time of a little over seven and a half hours!!!

Wherein the beta kids have an agreement to form a sedoretu once they're old enough, as told in a series of standalone pesterlogs. Part 1 - Dave, Rose, Jade, and John meet in a chat room on Jade's thirteenth birthday to talk about nothing in particular. Sequel here: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/38154.html?thread=39650570

EB: WHEN I SAID OKAY FINE JADE LET'S TRY TO **DISCREETLY** PUT OUT FEELERS I DIDN'T MEAN GO RIGHT UP TO HIM AND ASK HIM POINT BLANK IF HE'D LIKE TO STAR IN HIS OWN KINKTASTIC ALIEN PORNO!!!!!!!! GG: >:/ oh yes because "btw do you have a gf" totally means "hey do you wanna be the yummy filling in a twin sandwich" in normal people land. dont be a buttface, john!! >:( Sequel to Adventures in Collaborative Storytelling.

"At first you'd thought Terezi felt a little left out of this clusterfuck of a relationship, always watching you and Karkat at each others' throats and goading each other on, but you've come to realize that she doesn't mind being a little on the sidelines. Correction: she gets off on it."

Terezi tells Dave and Karkat she's getting them matching red collars. When she's not around, they have a mini argument/fight about what this means, and which of them gave her the impression they wanted to be collared/owned. (they both argue that it was the other one) obviously they are in denial, they both want it, and terezi is really good at figuring things out. also this can end however but preferably with a sexy collaring scene. smut optional

Karkat has gone really still. He opens his mouth. Closes his mouth. Opens his mouth-- "No. On second thought, no. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I said I would do this. I have never had even the slightest desire to do this." "Uh," John says. "Okay?"

John and Vriska wake up in bed together after a party. Can their bropalship survive in the wake of alcohol and hormones?

You lose your pale virginity to John Egbert at a Gamzee Makara party.

Twelve kids. Four trolls. Twelve guardians, four ancestors, one doloros, four lusii, seventeen lands, one megaplanet, one session, one two three one team. One more chance to win.

He wears the denim skirt because it's stiff enough at the waist to hide a lack of hips and pulls tight enough on the back when he bends over that his ass looks fantastic.

Karkat can feel the press of John’s arousal against one of his arms. His fingers twitch and reach helplessly, but his limbs are pushed as far as they can go. John chuckles against his shoulder, aware of Karkat’s efforts, and noses against the troll’s ear, warm breaths ghosting against sensitive flesh. “You’re so, well, eager like this, Karkat!”

Karkat is failing programming, English 101, and laundry. John can smell weakness, and like the best palhoncho he attacks weakness with friendship, relentless and obnoxious friendship. He has, however, delegated all of the butt touching to Jade and Dave.

Dave never asked to be part of the Brady Bunch. This whole 'normal' thing is harshing his groove, really getting his non-ironic goat. John, of course, is delighted. (Post-game slice of life fic, cheerfully assumes a happy ending.)

In which Bro explains his sexuality to Dave. (No incest except for the joking kind.)

John discovers a new and MUCH more entertaining way to fill his prankster's gambit.

Everything is more fun when there's something at stake, right? Swinging ought to be the same.

Man, Dave thought getting through adolescence was a pain in the ass for HUMANS. He had no idea how good they have it, until he saw what trolls got to go through.

Karkat's first experience with human biology leaves him quite interested and a tad bit more obsessed with humans and their weird, creepy body than he would like. He also has no qualms in showing that. Dave will never be safe again. Karkat/Dave, written for the kink meme.

Your afterlife groove thing is being visited by an underage crossdressing alien. Okay.

A Humanstuck AU Comic

Little gray aliens aren't people, no matter how well they fake it. They can be domesticated, though. Might as well keep them around, right?

“John, when you were eleven you didn’t even know what sex was. If you did, you would not have clicked on that link for two girls one cup. Twice.” This is the straightest most bro-est make out session that ever happened. Not even a little bit of it is gay. Nope.

You have to put him in school, and if you weren't busy trying to make money to keep a roof over his head in this world where neither of you belong, you would be all about home schooling. You have to prepare him for the game. You only got eight years left.