In which the gay bar is Stalberg's idea and Kaner doesn't notice Jon pretending to be his boyfriend.

Kaner wakes up soulbonded to Tazer. Then gay shit happens.

“Write what you know” was good enough advice for Jo March, so it’s good enough for Patrick Kane.

I've been calling this The Sexual Misadventures of Sidney Crosby forever, and that gives you an idea, but just in case: in which Sidney wins a gold medal, has sex (a lot), falls in love (twice), and breaks a bunch of rules.

"Once there were two hockey players. One had great hair. One had a lot of brothers. This is their story." Or, Kris Letang gets a hug and Marc Staal meets a nice boy. Inspired by Morning to Wake You

Love advice with Canadians: the clueless leading the clueless who is in love with clueless.

“Write what you know” was good enough advice for Jo March, so it’s good enough for Patrick Kane.

It turns out that buddyfucking your best friend without shit getting weird requires constant vigilance.

“I kind of proved a lot of people wrong and proved to myself I can play this game in this body.” - Pat Kane Genderqueer AU.

The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor. -Wilma Scott Heide

“So, you Skype your boy a lot or something?” Kaner asks when he’s been there for a little while and heard Segs talk about Tyler enough to catch a clue. There’s something odd in his voice--a little plaintive, like he’s asking, so how do you deal with it? Segs hesitates, shrugs. Says, “Yeah, something like that.” Inside his head, Tyler laughs.

Patrick answers his phone by reflex, but he can't pry open his eyes, so he has no idea who he's talking to. Or not talking, exactly, because all he can manage is a sort of groan. OR: the one where Tazer and Kaner have a baby via Stanley Cup

"We'll make this work somehow, sweetheart, won't we?" he said, swaying back and forth a bit as it warmed up. It probably made him look stupid, but he'd discovered there were a lot of stupid-looking things he'd do to keep his baby girl happy.

or, the many times Tyler Seguin tried to come out on Twitter and no one believed him.

The last thing you want to do with the guy you've been hung up on for ages is teach him how to be decent at sex. So of course, that's exactly what Geno does. Featuring interfering Russians, thorough devirginization, and equal parts alcohol imbibing and hockey playing.

Geno is sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Sidney has a dresser drawer full of sex toys, but right now he's drawing a blank.

Sidney is starting to get a reputation amongst the Pens for being the go-to guy for free childcare. Or, five times Sidney babysat and one time someone babysat for him.

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too?

Generally speaking, Kaner is the kind of girl you hear before you see coming. In some cases, literally. --- AKA the one where Jonny accidentally watches Kaner and Segs fucking over skype.

None of them have discussed the fact that Duncs is dating knock-off Seabses, because what can they really do about it?

Brent's got the werewolf thing pretty well under control after 24 years, but one little concussion and some emotional turmoil centered around his best friend/defensive partner makes things harder than they've ever been before. (angsting, pining, hockey, werewolf, rinse repeat. Takes place during the 09-10 season.)

Claude gets a new car. Cameron doesn't like it.

Kaner apparently starred in a porno at some point in his life. Jonny becomes very, very invested in watching it. Repeatedly.

When Canadian figure skater Jeff Skinner wrecked his knee, he never could have imagined that he'd end up helping pay his way through college as a live-in babysitter for Eric Staal's three-year-old son, Joey.

“People who want to eat my grilled cheese for dinner should learn not to interrupt the delicate purchasing process with their unwelcome mockery,” Claude says. Danny and Claude move to Berlin. Nothing really changes, until everything does.

"Does it change you, being turned?" Patrick asks. "I mean, obviously the physical stuff, but does it change who you are?" Erica takes off her helmet, then leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "It depends on how much the physical stuff makes you who you are, I guess."

"Penis doodles are encouraged on all homework. Awful innuendos are allowed. Extra credit if you can get me to laugh at them. And don't hit on me unless you're legal, 'cause I got crazy shit for that last time." (or, what Patrick Kane would be like as a sex ed instructor)

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

"Yes, Kaner," Sharpy's saying as Jonny sits down next to them with a beer. "It would indeed be gay to measure your teammates' dicks to find out whose is biggest."

It takes 140 characters or less and one absolute fucking moron to change Jon's entire life forever. He should have known all along it would be Kaner. It always is.

This wasn't supposed to happen. In the lists of things Brent wasn't expecting, this is at least third on the list, after 'being able to talk to animals' and 'growing wings' (but before 'zombie apocalypse').

Author's Summary: Patrick writes his name on Jonny's to-send Christmas cards. It leads to feelings.

Kaner's really excited about getting a room of his own on road trips now, but the first night alone isn't as much fun as he'd hoped.

this marks the...fifth attempt at acceding to puckling's kind request to tell her more about Sidney Crosby: Master BAKER (I double-checked, it was very clearly Sidney mastering the culinary arts, and nothing else). -missmollyetc

"Yes, Kaner," Sharpy's saying as Jonny sits down next to them with a beer. "It would indeed be gay to measure your teammates' dicks to find out whose is biggest."

A story about not!Russians, the Atlantis Hockey League, accidental offworld marriages (of course) and the intergalactic sex appeal of the mullet.

It takes 140 characters or less and one absolute fucking moron to change Jon's entire life forever. He should have known all along it would be Kaner. It always is.

By the fourth time Crosby has hung up on him, Alex has to admit that this has gone from funny to, frankly, a little hurtful.

“People who want to eat my grilled cheese for dinner should learn not to interrupt the delicate purchasing process with their unwelcome mockery,” Claude says. Danny and Claude move to Berlin. Nothing really changes, until everything does.

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

Kaner wakes up soulbonded to Tazer. Then gay shit happens.

None of them have discussed the fact that Duncs is dating knock-off Seabses, because what can they really do about it?

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

So ‘Zhenya’ is a private name. It’s something Sid says to wake Geno up late at night when he’s half-asleep on the couch and needs to be cajoled to bed. It’s something Sid calls him first thing in the morning when Geno's made him breakfast instead of letting Sid eat his sad granola another day. It’s the name Sid whispers when he hugs Geno after a win and tells him he’s proud.

[He's gotten good at not touching people, and he knows that his methods are considered weird by the internet and most of the world, but they keep him sane and focused on hockey. It's not so bad on the ice, when hockey's the only thing, and there are inches of pads and cloth between skin and skin. Off ice, he developed a habit of shoving his hands as far into his pockets as they could go, until a PR agent told him in high school that it made him look sullen and untouchable. After that, he took to just barely sticking his fingers in his pockets, a more subtle "don't touch me" that doesn't make him slouch too badly. He's beginning to realize that that the action is possibly more awkward than just sticking his hands all the way into his pockets, but it's habit now, and hard to break.] Or, Sidney is telepathic, which explains 95% of his idiosyncrasies.

Eric’s always been pretty discreet about hooking up with people, Cam can’t remember ever actually seeing him leave with anyone on these team outings. Most of the time he seems perfectly content to hang out with the team, hang out with Cam, even though he could hook up with just about anyone easily enough. Very easily, Cam thinks, a little grimly, as Eric ducks his head a little and the lights catch in his hair.

“I’ve had that since I was eighteen,” Sidney moans. “My grandma gave it to me after the draft. It’s my good luck necklace.”

Brent doesn't understand why his linemate and roommate is being so weird about his Olympic fling with Johnny Weir.

Sidney Crosby has known a few things for most of his life: he knows that he loves hockey more than anything, he knows that 87 is his lucky number, and he knows that he’s gay.