In which the gay bar is Stalberg's idea and Kaner doesn't notice Jon pretending to be his boyfriend.

Kaner wakes up soulbonded to Tazer. Then gay shit happens.

I've been calling this The Sexual Misadventures of Sidney Crosby forever, and that gives you an idea, but just in case: in which Sidney wins a gold medal, has sex (a lot), falls in love (twice), and breaks a bunch of rules.

"Once there were two hockey players. One had great hair. One had a lot of brothers. This is their story." Or, Kris Letang gets a hug and Marc Staal meets a nice boy. Inspired by Morning to Wake You

The body of the email just says, “don’t fuck seguin” because Jonny doesn’t know what capital letters are and he’s a controlling asshole even when he’s miles away, and attached to it is a spreadsheet that Patrick reluctantly opens. It’s color-coded with tabs and he’s not sure whether he wants to punch Jonny in the mouth or laugh in his face. Calling him in the middle of the airport is a really bad fucking idea and Patrick knows something about those, so he settles for sending Jonny a message. YOU SENT ME A JERK-OFF SCHEDULE FOR SWITZERLAND?!

It turns out that buddyfucking your best friend without shit getting weird requires constant vigilance.

The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor. -Wilma Scott Heide

“So, you Skype your boy a lot or something?” Kaner asks when he’s been there for a little while and heard Segs talk about Tyler enough to catch a clue. There’s something odd in his voice--a little plaintive, like he’s asking, so how do you deal with it? Segs hesitates, shrugs. Says, “Yeah, something like that.” Inside his head, Tyler laughs.

"We'll make this work somehow, sweetheart, won't we?" he said, swaying back and forth a bit as it warmed up. It probably made him look stupid, but he'd discovered there were a lot of stupid-looking things he'd do to keep his baby girl happy.

or, the many times Tyler Seguin tried to come out on Twitter and no one believed him.

The last thing you want to do with the guy you've been hung up on for ages is teach him how to be decent at sex. So of course, that's exactly what Geno does. Featuring interfering Russians, thorough devirginization, and equal parts alcohol imbibing and hockey playing.

Geno is sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Sidney has a dresser drawer full of sex toys, but right now he's drawing a blank.

Sidney is starting to get a reputation amongst the Pens for being the go-to guy for free childcare. Or, five times Sidney babysat and one time someone babysat for him.

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too?

Generally speaking, Kaner is the kind of girl you hear before you see coming. In some cases, literally. --- AKA the one where Jonny accidentally watches Kaner and Segs fucking over skype.

None of them have discussed the fact that Duncs is dating knock-off Seabses, because what can they really do about it?

Brent's got the werewolf thing pretty well under control after 24 years, but one little concussion and some emotional turmoil centered around his best friend/defensive partner makes things harder than they've ever been before. (angsting, pining, hockey, werewolf, rinse repeat. Takes place during the 09-10 season.)

Claude gets a new car. Cameron doesn't like it.

Kaner apparently starred in a porno at some point in his life. Jonny becomes very, very invested in watching it. Repeatedly.

“People who want to eat my grilled cheese for dinner should learn not to interrupt the delicate purchasing process with their unwelcome mockery,” Claude says. Danny and Claude move to Berlin. Nothing really changes, until everything does.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

"Yes, Kaner," Sharpy's saying as Jonny sits down next to them with a beer. "It would indeed be gay to measure your teammates' dicks to find out whose is biggest."

It takes 140 characters or less and one absolute fucking moron to change Jon's entire life forever. He should have known all along it would be Kaner. It always is.

This wasn't supposed to happen. In the lists of things Brent wasn't expecting, this is at least third on the list, after 'being able to talk to animals' and 'growing wings' (but before 'zombie apocalypse').

AKA the one where Jonny learns to love Halloween and Patrick Kane discovers the powers of Vinyl Gloss 550 (Lovesick).

“Vancouver!” Sid turns and shouts at the last second as she goes through the doors. “Vancouver!” Geno yells back.

“I’ve had that since I was eighteen,” Sidney moans. “My grandma gave it to me after the draft. It’s my good luck necklace.”

All Our Exploring: "We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time." - T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding. sometimes i feel: "I think I've missed a crucial turn in this conversation," Stiles says, practically into Scott's mouth because holy shit they are so so close now what is this, is this real. in a shower of: jonny washes patrick's hair; patrick doesn't hate it. Keep an Open Mind: They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too? Strange Days: "I don't want to talk to Deaton. I don't want to be another supernatural problem to be dealt with." No Business Like Show Business: In which Merlin is promoted from production intern to talent, is easily mortified, and has Post-It arguments with Arthur while the art department watches in glee. Also, there are gay dragons. Gone to the Dogs: Jonathan Toews turns into a puppy. Then some other stuff happens. what i'm saying is i need you here: Pat’s been carrying around these feelings for Johnny like an extra limb for years, now. It sucks, a little bit, but mostly it’s not too bad. Sometimes it blindsides her, though, like when the lockout ends and she comes back home. The Law of Conservation of Pants: Or, Five Things Darcy Lewis Thought She Knew Before She Met the Avengers (And One Thing That Will Always Be True). In which Darcy is put in charge of Social Media relations for the Avengers and finds that 5/6th of them challenge the things she thought she believed.

None of them have discussed the fact that Duncs is dating knock-off Seabses, because what can they really do about it?

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

It takes 140 characters or less and one absolute fucking moron to change Jon's entire life forever. He should have known all along it would be Kaner. It always is.

In breaking news, surprising no one, Sharpy is a dick.

A story about not!Russians, the Atlantis Hockey League, accidental offworld marriages (of course) and the intergalactic sex appeal of the mullet.

Last week Sidney had said, "We're totally fucked," and started hyperventilating; Geno had made calming noises for the next hour. Then Sidney'd gone out and had to deliver semi-positive soundbites, since apparently he is now the face of the "we can still have a season, please don't give up on us, we are trying so fucking hard" contingent.

A barbeque in Manitoba is one thing. Ending up in some freaky soulbond with Nugent-Hopkins is another.

Taylor Hall doesn't think a destroyed slice of chocolate cake, a broken bed and his line-mates wearing his clothes necessarily means anything. The rest of the team don't agree.

That’s when Jordan gets suspicious and figures out what Ryan’s doing. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is aggressively wooing Taylor.

Five+one people who assumed Cam and Eric were dating.

Sydney Crosby had never thought that breaking the NHL’s gender barrier was going to be easy. She just hadn’t expected it to be so hard.

The first girl Sid ever falls in love with is named Rachel Forbes. When he first meets her, she’s four weeks old, pink, and squishy-looking. Objectively, she’s kind of ugly, but she’s so tiny when he sees her in the incubator at NICU, and he’s never seen a baby that small.

[He's gotten good at not touching people, and he knows that his methods are considered weird by the internet and most of the world, but they keep him sane and focused on hockey. It's not so bad on the ice, when hockey's the only thing, and there are inches of pads and cloth between skin and skin. Off ice, he developed a habit of shoving his hands as far into his pockets as they could go, until a PR agent told him in high school that it made him look sullen and untouchable. After that, he took to just barely sticking his fingers in his pockets, a more subtle "don't touch me" that doesn't make him slouch too badly. He's beginning to realize that that the action is possibly more awkward than just sticking his hands all the way into his pockets, but it's habit now, and hard to break.] Or, Sidney is telepathic, which explains 95% of his idiosyncrasies.

Eric’s always been pretty discreet about hooking up with people, Cam can’t remember ever actually seeing him leave with anyone on these team outings. Most of the time he seems perfectly content to hang out with the team, hang out with Cam, even though he could hook up with just about anyone easily enough. Very easily, Cam thinks, a little grimly, as Eric ducks his head a little and the lights catch in his hair.

Sidney Crosby has known a few things for most of his life: he knows that he loves hockey more than anything, he knows that 87 is his lucky number, and he knows that he’s gay.

“I’ve had that since I was eighteen,” Sidney moans. “My grandma gave it to me after the draft. It’s my good luck necklace.”

So ‘Zhenya’ is a private name. It’s something Sid says to wake Geno up late at night when he’s half-asleep on the couch and needs to be cajoled to bed. It’s something Sid calls him first thing in the morning when Geno's made him breakfast instead of letting Sid eat his sad granola another day. It’s the name Sid whispers when he hugs Geno after a win and tells him he’s proud.

Some things are trickier than expected when you've had surgery on both wrists.

The third time, Sidney is taking out the trash, and the boy is having a staring match with a raccoon.

P.K. finally gets Carey to come hang out over the summer.