Love advice with Canadians: the clueless leading the clueless who is in love with clueless.

"Penis doodles are encouraged on all homework. Awful innuendos are allowed. Extra credit if you can get me to laugh at them. And don't hit on me unless you're legal, 'cause I got crazy shit for that last time." (or, what Patrick Kane would be like as a sex ed instructor)

Jonathan Toews is a certified, bonafide, pedigreed geek. Luckily he's their geek, so it works out okay.

He promised Oshie he would make the fucking audition tape, so he did. And against all fucking odds, he got a callback from a woman who sounded like even she couldn’t believe she was making the call. Because that’s Jonny’s life now. or, a Bachelor AU, where film star Patrick Kane is going on 88 Dates and Jonny goes on more than a few of them.

The 'what if everyone played hockey instead' AU

“What kind of pleasure do you want to offer the Lover?” Sid asks. People usually want sex, of course, but not always – Sid’s had supplicants who just wanted to make out, or cuddle, or flirt… and one memorable supplicant who wanted to give him a massage, which was awesome. She confessed to Sid afterward that she’d gone in intending to have sex, but “when I saw those muscles, I was like, damn, I need to get my hands all over that!”

“We were playing a pickup game on a rink in my hometown and I high sticked him in the face and knocked his front tooth out. I thought he was going to be so angry but he looked at me like he wanted to hold out his bloody tooth to me and propose.”

"It can't get any worse," said Nicklas Backstrom in an interview before the first round of the 2018 playoffs. He should have known to be careful of the jinx something like that could bring, but now it's there, and Nicke and the team are determined to get rid of it by any means necessary.

Beau was willing to bet that a lot of people's weird superstitions started out like his. Something that had been a dumb bet or stupid competition in college or Juniors, but then fuck if they didn't score that night. So it became a thing, and since enough of them have weird fucking things they'd rather not get chirped about, it just becomes normal. All that said, Beau probably could have braced himself a little better for the inevitable, which was Flower pausing in his rapid-fire and unintelligible conversation with Tanger to grin like the cat that had caught the canary and ask, in the most delighted tone possible, "Sunshine, are you wearing panties?"

The first time Nicke sees a mature pair of player wings in person—not pre-downs, not rookie wings, but a full wingspan—it's the April before the draft, and he's in a dressing room in Latvia, trying not to be star-struck by his own teammates. Or: The NHL gives you wings.