I've been calling this The Sexual Misadventures of Sidney Crosby forever, and that gives you an idea, but just in case: in which Sidney wins a gold medal, has sex (a lot), falls in love (twice), and breaks a bunch of rules.

The last thing you want to do with the guy you've been hung up on for ages is teach him how to be decent at sex. So of course, that's exactly what Geno does. Featuring interfering Russians, thorough devirginization, and equal parts alcohol imbibing and hockey playing.

Sidney Crosby gets hit on the head and wakes up with extra memories.

Geno can't. Sidney won't.

Wherein Sidney Crosby gets laid, and Russian diplomacy saves the day.

Sidney's drunk when he orders a Russian bride. He doesn't expect anyone to show up - and he definitely doesn't expect that person to be an awkward-looking guy who barely speaks English.

Sidney groans, because this is ridiculous. “I think I’m having an allergic reaction,” he says.

Sidney Crosby has known a few things for most of his life: he knows that he loves hockey more than anything, he knows that 87 is his lucky number, and he knows that he’s gay.

The first girl Sid ever falls in love with is named Rachel Forbes. When he first meets her, she’s four weeks old, pink, and squishy-looking. Objectively, she’s kind of ugly, but she’s so tiny when he sees her in the incubator at NICU, and he’s never seen a baby that small.

Sydney Crosby had never thought that breaking the NHL’s gender barrier was going to be easy. She just hadn’t expected it to be so hard.

Evgeni doesn't want to be responsible for a slave. (AKA The Eagle AU that spends almost ZERO time north of the wall)

The one where Sidney and Geno get drunk-married in Vegas, and the Pittsburgh Penguins go all in.

Sidney Crosby isn't the only omega playing in the NHL, but he is the only one suffering from heat-delay.

For years now, Geno has managed to keep his two lives separate. Academics and hockey rarely intersect, and with his very specific interest in Russian military leadership in World War II, he doesn't expect the streams to cross. Ever. Sidney Crosby always does break expectations.

Geno will always love his country. Even if it doesn't always love him back.

There are plenty of people in the world who are better at sex than Sidney, basically everybody who's tried to do it more than three times and got past handjobs, so when he decides he needs some help, he seeks out experts--or rather, sexperts.

Sidney’s wedding day doesn’t go quite as he’d planned. When he’d bothered to imagine it at all, he’d thought of a nice June wedding in Nova Scotia, outdoors with the sun streaming down. He hadn’t imagined this hurried affair on the tarmac on a rainy and unseasonably cool day in early September, a month after his twenty-fifth birthday.

In this rewriting of history, Sid gets an experimental treatment for his concussion that has some rather unusual side effects. Geno helps him out. There are complications.

Conor's not exactly sure what the protocol is when the namemark on your wrist belongs to best player in the world (and your new captain), and you're an undrafted kid out of UMass. Do you wait for him to say something first? Yeah, better wait for him to say something first.

Sidney takes care of his wolves.

In which Evgeni Malkin comes to America as one of the few omegas in pro hockey, lights up the NHL, and spends a lot of time wondering why Sidney Crosby is so damn weird.

Instead of coming back from his concussion right away, Sidney takes some time to have a baby by accident.

The first time Sid meets Geno, he isn’t Geno, he’s Evgeni Malkin, and he’s the enemy. Sid is so pumped up for the game he barely notices him. He doesn’t notice anything except hockey, and Malkin’s good, but that’s all he is. He feels a tinge of sadness when Canada wins, but he guesses he just feels bad. Ovechkin’s not the only one crying, and Sid isn’t so unfeeling he doesn’t have some sympathy for how it must suck to lose. He also gets a headache when he flies back home, but he’s just really overtired is all. He doesn’t think anything of it.

The first Zhenya heard about it was an email from Sidney in the middle of August.

Turning to a witch to save a loved one's life is one of the riskier gambles a person can take, but it's one that's arguably noble and brave. Falling in love with the witch, though—now that's just foolish.

“Sid, I’m so—I’m sorry,” Geno said. “My stupid—I’m ruin everything, I—” “Shut up, Geno,” Sidney said, already intensely weary of listening to Geno’s self-recrimination. “You’ve barely even done anything.” Geno’s voice dropped what sounded like an entire octave. “But I want to.”

"I think I have to get bonded," Sid said in a hollow voice, cutting off Geno's building outrage. "Wait, what?" Geno asked, mind jumping like a car on a blown tire. "To who?" "Anybody." Sid's eyes were unfocused, staring through the wall in front of him. "I don't know. I just need to bond." "That's a story," Geno scoffed. He had always thought they had good sex education in Canada, but apparently, the rumors persisted there, too. "You don't stop heat if you bond." "Heat?" Sid asked, eyes squinched up curiously. "G—I'm not. You know I'm an alpha, right?" *** Or five times Sid couldn't bond with an omega and one time he did.

At the 2014 Olympics, Russia injected Zhenya with a bond blocker, same as the last two times he'd been to the games. Only this time, it brought him to his knees and left him gasping, feeling like his soul was ripped from his body. As an unbonded omega, the shot should have no effect. It should have only targeted an active bond. Unbeknownst to Zhenya, Sid collapsed on the ice at the same time.

Sid strips to finance his hockey habit. Geno attempts to tip with hockey gear. Somehow, they make it work.

Sitting at the table was Sid: Sid as Zhenya had first known him, almost a decade before: dorky, long-haired Sid, his cheeks round with baby fat. He couldn’t have been older than twenty, and even that was generous. “Wow,” baby Sid said. “Are you Evgeni Malkin?"

The Penguins call him in early when it turns out that Evgeni Malkin is coming over from Russia - or maybe ‘fleeing’ is a better word for it. “Metallurg had his passport,” Therrien says over the phone. “And when they had to give it back so he could travel with the team, it’s likely that they took - ah, other precautions.” Magical precautions, he means. They’re practically sanctioned in the Superleague these days, though it’s not like North American hockey has any room to point fingers. Sid grew up a Habs fan; he knows from curses.

Zhenya’s just leaving the practice rink when he notices him for the first time. The guy’s standing outside the front entrance, staring at the sign and biting his full bottom lip. There’s something familiar about him, but Zhenya can’t place him. He must be mistaken—surely he would have remembered that ass if not the face. The summer before Zhenya starts in the NHL, he meets an adorable tourist who's too irresistible not to take home.

In retrospect, Flower can totally understand why Geno didn't tell Sid who he actually was. Sid is incredibly persuasive when he wants to get laid.

Crosby’s Biggest Secret! For years, Crosby has been famously quiet about his personal life. But now sources close to Crosby have confirmed that the secretive star has been keeping an even bigger secret than we thought! Meet the heir to his hockey throne—a son! Geno almost drops his phone.

“Sidney, what did you do?” Gonch sounded a little upset himself. Sidney goes to pick Geno up for breakfast before they go to watch practice and finds a tiny, curly-headed Geno who can't speak any English and doesn't know who Sidney is instead. Luckily everyone Sid knows is completely helpful and supportive of his attempts to keep Geno happy until he gets back to normal. Right. (Sid needs better friends).

There was a kid in Geno's yard.

Sid and Tyler come together at Worlds to win gold, commiserate about falling for unattainable teammates, and comfort each other with their dicks. However, when they come home those teammates might not be as unattainable as they thought and are getting the wrong idea.

Sidney is not living out a Hellish version of The Little Mermaid, except for the parts where he kind of is.

Sidney would really like to be able to draw the line at being sexually attracted to his breath mints. Or, when Sidney was forced to do a whole lot of growing up

When the Pittsburgh Penguins’ captain Evgeni Malkin complains about his lack of date for Valentine’s Day on social media, Sid can’t help but think that he could fix that problem easily. Well, if he was someone other than a grad student. He just didn’t expect his friends to actually make it happen.

When Sid goes down during the game against Capitals he knows the verdict long before the doctors tell him. With the rest of his career at stake, as well as the potential of a healthy life after retirement, he’s running out of options. When Sergei Gonchar reaches out with a questionable offer, Sid has a difficult time refusing.

Malkin’s table stays until closing time, still lingering over that bottle of Beluga when Sid comes out of the kitchen to start his nightly closing routine. He goes through the same checklist of jobs he does every night after the kitchen closes but before the bar does, tries to keep his mind on the tasks at hand, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t notice Malkin’s gaze tracking his movements, if he pretended that he can’t feel the heat of Malkin’s eyes on him as he moves around behind the bar. Sid tells himself to keep his head down, but when he does look up, just to test his theory, Malkin doesn’t even bother to look away, just holds Sid’s gaze, direct and unblinking with just the tiniest hint of a smile. The thing is, Sid’s notoriously bad at this stuff. He’s never had any working gaydar that he’s aware of, and he’s been wrong – very wrong – about this kind of thing probably more often, in his life, than he’s been right. So he assures himself this is just another one of those occasions where he’s definitely reading something incorrectly, imagining things, because there’s no way the captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins is, whatever – checking him out. That would be ridiculous.

They met by accident, fate, Geno always says, three years ago.

Geno keeps the mental door closed to his teammates in the summer, at least when he can help it; he doesn’t always check in like Sid does. They have other ways of doing that, text and email and social media, and now is the time when they’re supposed to have a break from each other. Geno likes having his head to himself. It’s good for him to get it in order for the next season.

AU: Sidney Crosby is a foster kid growing up in Nova Scotia. Geno Malkin is a Russian transplant. They play hockey. And also have sex. I claim to know very little about the junior hockey league and even less about Canadian Childrens Aid Services.

Sidney wants to lose his virginity. Geno helps.

The locker room chatter started up almost at once, providing a screen of background noise. Zhenya sat down beside the ghost. “I’m captain. Evgeni Malkin.” “Sidney Crosby,” the ghost said. He didn’t offer his hand, which made Zhenya think he had been dead for a while, long enough to shed the ingrained habits of the living. “I’m, uh. Is it really 2018?”

“Are you?” Taylor asks unexpectedly. “Am I what?” Looking up from the stove, Sid finds her watching him with an odd look on her face. “Happy.” It should be an easy question to answer.

The naiad moved in shortly after Sid finished his house, that first summer, a week after he filled the pool. He noticed some splashing one morning while he was eating breakfast, and when he went outside to investigate, she popped her head up out of the water, clung to the side of the pool, and hissed at him. “Uh,” Sid said, still holding a slice of toast in one hand. Dew from the grass chilled his bare feet. “Are you—hi?”

"I'm ready," Sid breathed out. Behind him, Geno gave a soft chuckle, and then leaned down to nuzzle at his neck. "You think you ready."