I had a whole sass machine introduction to this post, except I wrote it in July, back when I started this primer and jokes about Evan Lysacek and the World Cup were still fresh to death. Then I sort of stopped working on it, until certain people issued A CHALLENGE to me to finish it, and I think we all know that I don't back down from a challenge. So hide your eyes, it's a Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews primer.

They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too?

Claude gets a new car. Cameron doesn't like it.

Kaner's really excited about getting a room of his own on road trips now, but the first night alone isn't as much fun as he'd hoped.

this marks the...fifth attempt at acceding to puckling's kind request to tell her more about Sidney Crosby: Master BAKER (I double-checked, it was very clearly Sidney mastering the culinary arts, and nothing else). -missmollyetc

All Our Exploring: "We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time." - T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding. sometimes i feel: "I think I've missed a crucial turn in this conversation," Stiles says, practically into Scott's mouth because holy shit they are so so close now what is this, is this real. in a shower of: jonny washes patrick's hair; patrick doesn't hate it. Keep an Open Mind: They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too? Strange Days: "I don't want to talk to Deaton. I don't want to be another supernatural problem to be dealt with." No Business Like Show Business: In which Merlin is promoted from production intern to talent, is easily mortified, and has Post-It arguments with Arthur while the art department watches in glee. Also, there are gay dragons. Gone to the Dogs: Jonathan Toews turns into a puppy. Then some other stuff happens. what i'm saying is i need you here: Pat’s been carrying around these feelings for Johnny like an extra limb for years, now. It sucks, a little bit, but mostly it’s not too bad. Sometimes it blindsides her, though, like when the lockout ends and she comes back home. The Law of Conservation of Pants: Or, Five Things Darcy Lewis Thought She Knew Before She Met the Avengers (And One Thing That Will Always Be True). In which Darcy is put in charge of Social Media relations for the Avengers and finds that 5/6th of them challenge the things she thought she believed.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

A story about not!Russians, the Atlantis Hockey League, accidental offworld marriages (of course) and the intergalactic sex appeal of the mullet.

Last week Sidney had said, "We're totally fucked," and started hyperventilating; Geno had made calming noises for the next hour. Then Sidney'd gone out and had to deliver semi-positive soundbites, since apparently he is now the face of the "we can still have a season, please don't give up on us, we are trying so fucking hard" contingent.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Wherein Sidney Crosby gets laid, and Russian diplomacy saves the day.

The third time, Sidney is taking out the trash, and the boy is having a staring match with a raccoon.

AU. Jonny's a hockey player, Patrick's a figure skater, they meet in a book shop.

Sid and Geno are superheroes. Sid has an easier time of it than Geno does.

Patrick sighs and sinks further in his seat. “So I was playing truth or dare with my sisters the other day,” he says, eyeing Johnny challengingly like he’s daring him to make something of it. Johnny’s mouth twitches, but he keeps his smile tamped down for now; if Patrick’s giving Johnny an opening like that to make fun of him, then that means there’s something even better coming. “Uh-huh,” he says, makes a go on motion.

Being an agreement between one Sidney Patrick Crosby and one Jonathan Bryan Toews regarding the terms of their "friendship."

"Sid learns how to skate on air."

Jack has everything he's always wanted. Sort of.

“We had set a bunch of conditions with him if he were to live on his own,” Chiarelli said of Seguin. “That’s what I mean about being on top of it. He had to submit really his week in advance. And he was actually really good about it. One thing with Tyler was that he tried.” Jamie stumbles across some quotes from the Bruins about Tyler and gets angry. Really, really fucking angry. Kneeling 'verse AU.

Sid refuses to be jealous of something that's two and a half feet high and can't play hockey. OR: The Pittsburgh Zoo named some penguins after the Penguins, and no one will let Sid forget the one named after him has its shit together, because all his friends are assholes. Also there's pining.

It’s safe to say that fatherhood seems to suit Evgeni Malkin.

“Oh my God, shut up Danny, you went to play for the Habs, you don’t know my pain.” Or, Claude Giroux gets traded to the Penguins.

He was dying to know, obviously he was dying to know; obviously he knew something had happened, with the way Geno and Sid kept looking at each other, and holding hands like that, which Sidney had never seen them do. And kissing on the couch, and Sid looking like he was up in the clouds, just totally gone, like his feet were floating at least a kilometer above the earth.

“They asked me, today, in an interview with Sid right next to me, about that thing I said last year. About leaving the Penguins, being a big star somewhere else.” “And you’re, what? Afraid he’s going to be angry with you?” Zhenya squirms. He feels hot and prickly, his emotions a soupy mess he can’t grasp in order to make sense of. “I think… I think I’m afraid he won’t be.”

The entire building is decked out for Christmas. Sparkling lights, the rich, glowing reds and greens of masses and masses of poinsettia flowers. It’s not hard to realize what’s going on. It feels like every titled, unmarried man between the ages of 20 and 40 who likes other men is here. Unbelievable. They’re marrying the King off with a fucking Cinderella-style ball.

Magnitogorsk is a city of iron, and so is Metallurg’s will. They will not be thwarted, they do not let go of what is theirs. So when one of their own, born, bred, and molded, tries to run? To spit in the face of all that they’ve given him? Metallurg does not give up what it owns.

Over the years, Mario has become accustomed to Sidney's many idiosyncrasies, but he has to admit the spontaneous de-aging is a bit unexpected.

Sid already has a stand mixer, a $400 blender, and one of the nice waffle makers you can flip with the handle, the kind they have at waffle bars in hotels. Geno has two magnetic racks of chef knives. Do they really need a wedding registry? Do they really need a registry at Williams-Sonoma?

It's not like Phil goes around telling people that his old team bought him his best friend like some people buy hookers. He can't really talk about it with Bozie, either, because Bozie will just say something like, "Come on, I provide the full girlfriend experience," which is so much worse than actually being offended.

She puts the number into her phone as Phil's friend. Phil has a lot of friends, more than Amanda knows. For all that the media shits on him, he's easy to like away from the camera. He's always meeting up with old buddies during the summer to shoot the shit and grill out in someone's backyard. This guy could be anybody, really, except for Bozie, because Amanda already has Bozie's number in her phone.

There are six new bug reports in Jira since Sid checked last night at 10PM. An open-plan workroom over, Richie is giving the coworking space tour to the new guy. "There's Flower from NetProfit… and there's Sidney Crosby," Richie says. "He's with Penng now, but he was at Facebook early." "Facebook, wow," says the new guy. Sid resists the urge to climb under his own desk.

Probably, Phil should call his mom. Bozie should call his mom. They should have called a bunch of people already. Bozie is currently buying furniture off the internet and Phil is watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. This is the episode about the pyramids that Phil's seen at least three times.

The first time Geno sees Sidney Crosby he’s crying into Tanger’s shoulder as Sid learns how to walk again on the big screen.

"Sidney. Sidney." Geno seemed to be committing the name to memory on his tongue. "Beautiful name for beautiful man." "Oh my God this is gold," Duper whispered into the phone's speaker. (Or: How to navigate the aftermath of your teammate recording and distributing footage of you hitting on your captain.)

There was a newly-uploaded picture, one that hadn’t been there yesterday. Sid tapped it open. The only lights he’d bothered turning on were the down-lights above the kitchen island. He moved closer until he was standing directly beneath them, the better to see this latest picture. It was of a newborn. Or at least, a newborn’s hand, tiny and curling around Geno’s index finger, the Love for Lokomotiv wristband he never took off distinctive and visible at the edge of the frame. There was no caption.

Jack has everything he's always wanted. Sort of.

The first time Sidney met Jack Zimmermann, it was mid July and he was sitting at the kitchen table of his parent’s house in Montreal. It wasn't until more than two years later that he realised Jack was in love with a boy called Eric. EDIT: extra chapter added 21/03/2017. Jack wins the cup, comes out, and Sid Reacts™

Geno loves kids, but not the way Sid loves kids. Sid has a younger sister; Geno lived with Seryozha and Ksenia and Natalie for two years. Which is to say, he survived potty training and checkers and temper tantrums, as well as several toddler ballet recitals. Every time they work with the Little Penguins, it's like Sid is fresh off a thorough Obliviation. Geno, meanwhile, is prepared for war.

Evgeni Malkin is a star forward and three-time Art Ross Trophy winner. Sidney Crosby is the head chef of Nouma, a Halifax restaurant that boasts two Michelin stars. They cross paths in Pittsburgh.

Nicklas Backstrom knows that Alexander Ovechkin is his soulmate but they never talk about it.

There's a tumblr post that's literally all about 'things your OTP could do that make people think they're married if they aren't' and instead of writing one, I wrote them all. OR, Dad and Papa are a perfect, healthy, happy couple. But, they're not a couple at all.

Jack invites Bitty up for a visit while he's training in Toronto over the summer. To the utter surprise of nobody who's ever met him, Bitty spends a lot of time baking.

"Being a star athlete changes you." And just when you think you're done, you become the face of an expansion team. Playing a winter sport in a desert. OR A (Dragon)Flower in the Desert

"Yeah, I think it's better that way than in front of a bunch of cameras. I mean, it's better to be a little bit low key about it."

Dylan and Alex agree to be in a promo video for the Winter Classic. There's... a lot of footage that had to be cut out.

She smiles at him, and Pierre-Luc smiles back. She doesn't know it, but he's got a big, ugly bruise on his hip from that incident yesterday. A small monster just a block away, small enough that it shouldn't have been too much trouble dealing with it on his own. Really, he has no excuse for the broken window. This isn't junior training anymore and he should be used to working solo by now. It's not what he prefers, but it's not his place to question how Torts is running his team, only to thank him for his trust in PL's skills and do his best not to prove him wrong.