This is how Sidney Crosby ends up in Alex Ovechkin's living room, one wolf cub in his lap and another gnawing on his Reeboks.

Tyler is an excellent bro, and he endeavors to provide excellent bro action.

There are six new bug reports in Jira since Sid checked last night at 10PM. An open-plan workroom over, Richie is giving the coworking space tour to the new guy. "There's Flower from NetProfit… and there's Sidney Crosby," Richie says. "He's with Penng now, but he was at Facebook early." "Facebook, wow," says the new guy. Sid resists the urge to climb under his own desk.

She puts the number into her phone as Phil's friend. Phil has a lot of friends, more than Amanda knows. For all that the media shits on him, he's easy to like away from the camera. He's always meeting up with old buddies during the summer to shoot the shit and grill out in someone's backyard. This guy could be anybody, really, except for Bozie, because Amanda already has Bozie's number in her phone.

It's not like Phil goes around telling people that his old team bought him his best friend like some people buy hookers. He can't really talk about it with Bozie, either, because Bozie will just say something like, "Come on, I provide the full girlfriend experience," which is so much worse than actually being offended.

Sid already has a stand mixer, a $400 blender, and one of the nice waffle makers you can flip with the handle, the kind they have at waffle bars in hotels. Geno has two magnetic racks of chef knives. Do they really need a wedding registry? Do they really need a registry at Williams-Sonoma?

Probably, Phil should call his mom. Bozie should call his mom. They should have called a bunch of people already. Bozie is currently buying furniture off the internet and Phil is watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. This is the episode about the pyramids that Phil's seen at least three times.

Hilary is okay with having a rep if it means NHL stars bring her Cheetos.

Geno loves kids, but not the way Sid loves kids. Sid has a younger sister; Geno lived with Seryozha and Ksenia and Natalie for two years. Which is to say, he survived potty training and checkers and temper tantrums, as well as several toddler ballet recitals. Every time they work with the Little Penguins, it's like Sid is fresh off a thorough Obliviation. Geno, meanwhile, is prepared for war.

This time yesterday, Jamie was picking Tyler up from the airport. It's been six hours since Nill called her and said, "Hey, looks like you're in town, can you come in today?" and five since Jordie texted help I have a wardrobe emergency. Half the notifications on Tyler's phone are Snapchats from Brownie, presumably 50/50 dogs and blurry dick pics. This is Tyler's life.

Evgeni Malkin is a star forward and three-time Art Ross Trophy winner. Sidney Crosby is the head chef of Nouma, a Halifax restaurant that boasts two Michelin stars. They cross paths in Pittsburgh.

"Hey, so," Tyler says when the marks on his ass have faded to a gross yellow-green. "Next time, you wanna make out first?"