IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT INTERSPECIES RELATIONS ARE RAPIDLY DEVOLVING INTO SLOPPY MAKEOUTS THAT THREATEN TO BECOME DISGUSTINGLY MORE INTIMATE. IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP YOU IDIOTS FROM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER WEIRD XENOBIOLOGY AND EMBARRASSING EVERYONE IN THE WORST WAYS POSSIBLE, I HAVE COMPILED THIS GUIDE, WHICH SHOULD BE SHORT ENOUGH THAT EVEN THOSE OF YOU WITH THE ATTENTION SPANS OF SMALL INSECTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ IT ALL IN ONE SITTING.

"Where are you going?" the other you asks, and his voice is husky and friendly and not even a little bit like yours. You have never sounded like that one day of your life and you're never going to and you don't give a fuck. No, honestly, you don't. "I'm missing some of my humans," you inform him, gruff and uncaring and your shoulders squared like the badass leader that you are and why does he have to be a head taller than you? "And I have deduced with my masterful, scintillating intelligence that in order to get out they have quite possibly used the only way out that exists short of walking through walls. That--" you point, "--tunnel, just in the wholly unsurprising case you needed that clarified."

There are some staff changes going on at SHIELD.

Steve had body-modesty trained out of him in boot camp, and apparently his attitude is infectious.

The Coalition states for the record that it considers Her Imperial Condescension, Empress of Alternia and its conquered territories a Criminal, a Liability to her own people, an immature brat unfit for power, a Crazy Old Bat and an Abuser, and we do hereby charge her with Corruption, Corruption of Minors, Exploitation, Exploitation of Minors, Slavery, Slavery of Minors, Indoctrination, Indoctrination of Minors, Violation of the Prime Directive and Violation of seventy percent of the Chart of Universal Rights for the Sapient Species, and we declare to unanimously hold her in Contempt.

"Yeah. Thanks. Just what I need. Black lipstick."

Armin, Eren and Mikasa inherit a brothel. A very classy brothel, that's popular with the military. They have no idea what they're doing, but with Armin's cunning, Mikasa's ability to kick ass, and Eren's mysterious kink-discovering skills, they pull through okay. Mostly.

*post Chapter 52* Everyone's feeling down after saving Eren from the Armored Titan. Jean's attempt to cheer everyone up changes everything. One Titan Shifter gave humanity hope. Imagine what seven can do.

From snkkink. On the night of their graduation, the 104th recruits have a wild celebration and get drunk. Really drunk. None more drunk than Those Three. (And they are crazy drunks.) The last anyone sees of them, they are in full 3DMG and hurtling themselves off Wall Rose, screaming something about seeing the ocean. The next morning, the hangover is impressive, three graduates are missing, and a path of destruction leads away from Wall Rose. As for Armin, Eren and Mikasa, they wake up at the ocean. They're not sure how they got there, but getting back is one hell of an adventure. There may have been some cults founded. Armin might be an evil mastermind. And, hey, Eren can turn into a Titan. That might just be the least weird part.

Apparently Supernatural was real, which was presumably why Gabriel was bleeding out onto Richard’s floor. (In which the actors of Supernatural find that reality is stranger and more disturbing than they previously believed, even counting Misha, and an injured archangel discovers that his universe is the subject of a TV show.)

“You’re Captain America!” I said, because he was. “Uh, hulloooo, standing right here,” Tony told me. He was using his obnoxious voice. “I know you’re there,” I said. “But Captain America! You didn’t tell me Captain America was going to be here!” A sequel to 'A Connection Is a Thing Which Requires Maintenance.'

Nick Fury circles the realm Midgard with his coils. Phil Coulson has seen enough of chains for one lifetime. Darcy Lewis is taking a break from Helheim. But there's still the matter of their brother Sleipnir...

What if Castiel had taken a different vessel?

A collection of my shorter fills for snk-kink on dreamwidth. Mostly gen humor. Mostly.

Leverage, Eliot and any, real men wear pink

How DID their fearless captain save the Haus from the entire football team? Five possible scenarios in which Jack Zimmermann saves the day, sometimes even on purpose.

"In which Sophie tells horror stories, Eliot is a princess and Nate is confused."

Havoc's first encounter with the little Elrics. Havoc had been looking forward to meeting the Elric brothers, but he’d been looking forward to it while thinking he’d have the whole office as a buffer. He hadn’t thought he’d have them all to himself in a car for half an hour in traffic. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Overjoyed was not the word.

Now you must endure. Drabbles of the Inquisitor and those who follow.

In which people with floofy pauldrons like Cullen should probably not stand so close to the woman waving around a lit candle on the end of a board.

A terrible portrait of the Inquisitor is painted for her birthday. She thinks it's atrocious, Krem thinks it's a little hilarious. Drinking ensues to help cope.

aka Steve Accidentally Joins the NY Pride Parade. He had just meant to go to the grocer’s. They needed eggs.

Yamamoto Genryūsai Shigekuni is a wise and terrifying warrior, the titan who has ruled the Gotei 13 for over a thousand years. But, at heart, he’s an old man who likes his tea prepared a certain way and has a soft spot for talented youngsters. It started with Ukitake and Kyoraku, and his latest fledgling seems to be one Kurosaki Ichigo, substitute soul reaper. (Alternatively, a story in which Yamamoto is a crafty old man, Ichigo grows up to be utterly terrifying, and Aizen doesn’t stand a chance.)

Rose said later that "I was really fucking bored" was insufficient explanation or indeed justification for the First Triennial Human/Troll Flashstepping Competition. (Now with a tiny sequel!)

Konoha is an experience, and that’s just about the politest way Ine can phrase it.

"His life's a fucking space opera. And not even the erotic type that airs on New HBO. No, it's the animated comic type where the captain goes splat against the wall every episode and the pointy-eared bastard quirks his pointy eyebrow and steps on the captain's flattened remains."

"It's the job of the captain to pick the crew, and the duty of the first mate to test them for worthiness. How Zoro came to accept each of the straw hats as nakama."

It's the job of the captain to pick the crew, and the duty of the first mate to test them for worthiness. How Zoro came to accept each of the straw hats as nakama.

Jason Todd isn't what Batman made him, he isn't what the Joker made him, he isn't what the League of Assassins made him, and he isn't what the Lazarus Pit made him. He's his own person and he's taking himself back, one home renovation at a time. Also he might just make friends with the people who are supposed to be his brothers while he's at it.

Kurama just wants to finish his nap in peace. A particularly idiotic human is making that rather hard.

yeah, they're dysfunctional, traumatized, and occasionally murderous, but they're a family, and sometimes they even act like it. the term 'Bat-Family' does sound an awful lot like a mirror to 'Crime-Family'.

Five times that no one was thinking of Shiro as a dad.

"Well, you can't ALL be the space prostitute." Coran protested, then appeared to muse it over. "Although..."

or alternatively titled "The Space Power Rangers Try to Figure Out If Shiro Has a Natural Winged Eyeliner Look Going On Because He's Fly Like That or Not and End Up Failing"

Bruce Wayne is either really bad at Twitter, or really, really good.

From the Legendary Sannin, to Jiraiya's genin team with Namikaze Minato, to Minato's genin team of Rin, Obito, and Kakashi... Team Seven can't manage to hand in normal paperwork. The genin are either completely oblivious or having fun with this, the jounin-sensei are one step away from ripping all their hair out, and the formidable order of desk-shinobi is not pleased with this. And then there's Team Kakashi.

A collection of ficlet-like rambles and other HP-centric stuff from my tumblr. Ficlet-Ramble #1: Seventh-Year will put Your Name in GOF for a Sickle You’re a first-year who can’t cast Wingardium Leviosa yet? Whatever, sure, just pay up. There’s no way you're going to be chosen against Angelina “Can Probably Crush You With Her Thighs” Johnson, but at least you can tell all your eleven-year-old buddies that you Did A Cool Thing.

"Zoro!" Luffy gave him a happy grin, looked out at sea...swung his head about to give his first mate a slightly longer look centered on the latter's new bust line, then back up at Zoro's face as he waved excitedly. "Hurry up! Nami says the log pose will set here if we wait too long, and then we won't be able to sail to Merman Island because we'll be set on another course. Hey, do you know your clothes are too big?"

Spock was able, at any given moment, to understand at least 50% of whatever it was Montgomery Scott was doing at any given moment.

The Batfamily go to see Hamilton.

Luffy, challenge, really big maze, treasure if he wins, death if he loses. Are any more explanations required?

"You're fucking with me." Tim blinks up at his uncle – and he's never seen his uncle in full armor before, not in person. It's kind of daunting. "Please tell me you're fucking with me, spawn."

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

Yamamoto and Gokudera have lunch together every Saturday. Tsuna can't decide if this is a good thing or just the cause of more ridiculous problems.

The Bats take on the Mythbusters. Why? Because somethings are just too cool not to try in your spare time and with your family.

The men in Nana's family carry a very strange curse. They swap bodies with anyone they kiss. Tsuna really wishes he'd known that before he fell onto the pretty girl with the very loud brother...

"This is the fortieth time." Jason says, "Just to point that out. I'm not complaining, or anything."

In which Tsuna’s the Corpse Whisperer. (Or: In the months he spends at the Varia Compound at Timoteo’s behest, Tsuna manages to stumble across enough forgotten dead bodies to fill entire cemeteries. And everyone is terribly amused. Except, y’know, for him.)

Tsuna and his guardians died in a blaze of glory. Then they woke up, slowly, one at a time, in a different world that was the same in all the ways that really mattered. Or the one where Tsuna and his guardians are reincarnated into the class below the Konoha rookie nine.

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.