There was no good way to say it: sorry about your surprise sex swap and your nonconsensual werewolf bite also rearranged your butt plumbing and congratulations, I've probably destroyed your sex life forever were not exactly Hallmark sentiments.

--Looking for full day/evening sitter. 2 twin boys age 4. Must have exp. w/werewolves. Must be human. No pedophiles. No teenage girls. Pay negotiable. --

Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super.

They’ve had this connection for nearly as long as they’ve known each other; Patrick doesn’t know why it happened, what made it so that out of all the people in the world, it’s Johnny and only Johnny whose thoughts he can read, but there it is. One day it was just Patrick in his head, and the next, he’d woken up with the background awareness of Johnny in there too, and a panicked, thumping voice saying, Oh, shit. You too?

I want this SO BAD. Seriously.

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

Geno is sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Sidney has a dresser drawer full of sex toys, but right now he's drawing a blank.

The last thing you want to do with the guy you've been hung up on for ages is teach him how to be decent at sex. So of course, that's exactly what Geno does. Featuring interfering Russians, thorough devirginization, and equal parts alcohol imbibing and hockey playing.

or, the many times Tyler Seguin tried to come out on Twitter and no one believed him.

"We'll make this work somehow, sweetheart, won't we?" he said, swaying back and forth a bit as it warmed up. It probably made him look stupid, but he'd discovered there were a lot of stupid-looking things he'd do to keep his baby girl happy.

Patrick answers his phone by reflex, but he can't pry open his eyes, so he has no idea who he's talking to. Or not talking, exactly, because all he can manage is a sort of groan. OR: the one where Tazer and Kaner have a baby via Stanley Cup

“So, you Skype your boy a lot or something?” Kaner asks when he’s been there for a little while and heard Segs talk about Tyler enough to catch a clue. There’s something odd in his voice--a little plaintive, like he’s asking, so how do you deal with it? Segs hesitates, shrugs. Says, “Yeah, something like that.” Inside his head, Tyler laughs.

The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor. -Wilma Scott Heide

“I kind of proved a lot of people wrong and proved to myself I can play this game in this body.” - Pat Kane Genderqueer AU.

Overhead, light flows across the ceiling, expanding and contracting like a slow pulse matching his own. His eyes are heavy and growing heavier with as indeterminate time passes. The pile of clothes under him shifts, his back arches further to accommodate it, he's drifting, comfortable and pulsing like these little specks of light on the ceiling. Slow and dimmed at first, Gamzee becomes aware of of his hand lying on his stomach.

"Okay. Let's work on shelter first. You ever build a treehouse?" Sh-t, Tavros's little impressed face kind of gets you right in the pump biscuit.

Someone demanded human/troll kismeses having anal sex, with those headcanons: #1 Since trolls have nooks, anal sex is regarded as strictly taboo. Or not even taboo, perhaps just really odd and kinky, like, why would you put that there??? #2 Anal sex is strictly reserved for the caliginous quadrant, as a means of showing dominance over your partner. I don’t mean non-con or even dub-con; after a bout of fighting or arguing or whatever, the winner can choose to propose it and the loser can choose to accept it as an expression of rightfully-earned submission.

Yes, I know, another title test seems pretty redundant at this point. A lot of people enjoy thepageofhopes’s Homestuck Title Test, and they have good reason to! It’s very well thought-out and quite consistent. But since the creation of that test, new information has been revealed in the comic itself that calls into question some of the assumptions made, and of course, there’s always the sticky situation of fanon titles. I wanted to take a title test that adhered to what we know of canon Classpects as strictly as possible while still basing its analysis in valid psychological assessments. And then I thought, well, I’m kind of a hobbyist psychologist, so…

"I accept your body!" Stiles says hurriedly. "I accept you. Sexually." There is a pause. Derek says, "Thanks."

Flash first sees them when Parker is at his locker one morning. Just peeking out of the cuff of one of the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Bruises, mottled and bluish-black, like Parker's been in a fight.

House sorting under here I will fight you

There is silence on the other end of the connection.

It all began when Ms. Frizzle got the letter from her niece.

CG: HARLEY, WHEN I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER CULL MYSELF WITH THE DULL END OF A SCALEMATE BEFORE I EVER GAVE YOU THE CHANCE TO RECOIL IN ABJECT REVULSION BEFORE MY HIDEOUS VISAGE CG: WHAT THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT I WOULD SOMEHOW BE AMENABLE TO INSTEAD PERFORMING A DAPPER SHOW AND TELL ROUTINE?

eridan is so tolerable when he can't talk

Looking into mirrors has always messed with your head, but this is nothing like a mirror image. It’s like looking at yourself distorted even further, sharper, the bare bones and skin shaped into something more solid, but still thin and tense and narrow.

Stop the Presses: "Kavanagh gets his revenge. Written for the Documentary Challenge in SGA Flashfic. Posted January 2006." Sandcastles: "Home is what you make it." Golden Rule Days (Our Modern Family Belongs To Us): "How Kat Barton comes to realizes that her very large “family” maybe isn’t normal—but that’s what makes it awesome. Movieverse. Inspired by workerbee73’s Career Day, but it got out of hand. >_>" Momentum: "It doesn't matter who you are; eventually, everyone's past catches up to them."

Fury's a beautiful princess. Clint's plotting a Communist revolution. Rhodey's not sexy. Wall-E's not a documentary. Clint's not gay but he does give a great blowjob. This fic is not an AU.

Frank toyed with the idea of asking for help, but in the end, decided against it. He wasn’t embarrassed, exactly, or ashamed, but this was new and unsettling and he wasn’t ready to share it with anyone else. He couldn’t meet his own gaze in the mirror and his skin felt tight and prickly as he stripped away the layers of clothes and slid into the shower. He was blushing, he could feel the heat in his face and it pissed him off, because there was no shame in what he was going to do, and yet— He didn’t want to examine what he was feeling too closely.

"Be cool, Dad, we've decided to con Grandma." (Or, the one where the Stilinski men drag Derek to Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's and she gets the right wrong idea.)

“See? I need my daisy crown or I won’t get Chased.” Stiles frowned. “And then I’ll have to do it again next year. I really don’t want to do it twice.” The good and the bad of getting Caught this year included not having to do it again and the bad was he’d have a werewolf mate for the rest of his life. Stiles is seventeen. He has a lot of life to live. Unless his wolfy mate has no sense of humor or a temper. Those with no sense of humor and tempers tended to hate Stiles the most and wouldn’t that suck? Being tied to someone for the rest of his life who hates him. That actually sounds like his type of luck. “You’ll be fine.” Allison beams because she’s a sweet person and can obviously read Stiles like a picture book aimed at toddlers. Aconitum: She weaves wolfsbane in her hair to throw off the scent, but the underlying smell of mate and mine is still there. Based off of hoars' fic Festival of Red and basically me just wanting to see more Pyida interaction.

“Write what you know” was good enough advice for Jo March, so it’s good enough for Patrick Kane.

The body of the email just says, “don’t fuck seguin” because Jonny doesn’t know what capital letters are and he’s a controlling asshole even when he’s miles away, and attached to it is a spreadsheet that Patrick reluctantly opens. It’s color-coded with tabs and he’s not sure whether he wants to punch Jonny in the mouth or laugh in his face. Calling him in the middle of the airport is a really bad fucking idea and Patrick knows something about those, so he settles for sending Jonny a message. YOU SENT ME A JERK-OFF SCHEDULE FOR SWITZERLAND?!

Natural Selection: "BEACON, also known as the Bureau of Enforcement, Armed Combat and Offensive Neutralization (it sure is offensive, Stiles thinks) has established the Avengers Initiative in order to, uh, fight crime. And rampaging alien hordes. And stuff....And somehow, in the middle of all this chaos, the Hulk and Iron Man find love." Kids From Yesterday (OR, Mohawks for Everyone): "Okay, this bandom family stuff is unreal. Who needs to make this shit up?"

Dave leans forward. You can see a camera reflected in his shades, in the high-rez screen, you can see his own face peering out of the camera in his shades, his reflection reflecting itself into infinity. Not you. You’re not there -- he’s not here.

When they cross the boundary into Hale territory, Stiles shifts a little in his sleep, shoulders hunching. Lydia's immunity carries over into most of the supernatural world: she can't be bitten, she can't be poisoned, and she's never been able to do magic on her own. Unlike Stiles, she can't feel the veil that separates Beacon Hills from the rest of the world. Sometimes she wonders if what happened before they left would have turned out differently if she'd undergone some transformative alchemy, but usually she tries not to think about it at all.

It turns out that buddyfucking your best friend without shit getting weird requires constant vigilance.

Karter Vantas loses his bus pass and gets a couple of quarters from some random guy, who turns out to be mind-blowingly annoying. To cope with his fiery rage, Karter posts a long-winded, colorful rant on the Missed Connections section of craigslist, and then puts it out of his mind. What ends up happening is the very last thing he ever could have expected: he gets a response.

After Bro takes off for an overseas job, Dave Strider finds himself with a condo, bills, and nary a way to pay for it all. He does what any normal college guy would do; puts up an roommate wanted ad on craigslist. He gets a little bit more than he bargained for... in a very good way.

Sollux would be willing to wait forever for Karkat to feel ready, but the drones aren't so patient.

Kurt and Puck both have dreams of dominance and submission, but they never expected to run into each other at a Marketplace auction in New York City. Spoilers through season 4. Crossover with Laura Antoniou's Marketplace universe. Top!Kurt, Dom/sub, discipline. Written for the Puckurt Fic I Didn't Write Game.

Karkat's a big stupid romantic, and romance is a language: sloppier than anything Sollux has ever programmed, but it still has its own grammar and its own important commands. This scar-trading ritual thing means, believe that I'm sticking around.

Having an alien boyfriend is a little like an adventure and a little like a science experiment. Fortunately for you (and for your alien boyfriend), those are both things you really like.

"On your three," Captor's voice crackles in his ear as Dave finishes putting down the last bunch of combat drones to come after him. "Already on it," Dave says.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and nobody is more desperate than a troll facing the Imperial Drone at collection time. Unfortunately, anonymous sex isn't so anonymous when you run into someone you know.

Sollux has found a new favourite flavour.

"What do you need to rein this in?" you ask. Captor doesn't acknowledge the pun. He shrugs one bony shoulder, letting his head droop further.