Wei Wuxian's messiness comes back to bite him in the ass, a thousand years later. *** "Why are vampire stories always I Want To Drink The Sexy Neck Milkshake and never two vampires texting about the passionate letter one wrote to the other in 1863 but never sent that the other just saw in the Smithsonian’s fall exhibition on Love Through the Ages and what the fuck, Claude, why didn’t you say anything" AU, but with immortal cultivators.

The resentful energy occupying Wei Wuxian's body like an enemy army is very interested in giving him Lan Wangji, tied up with a bow. Wei Wuxian is hoping that Lan Wangji (who is far too noble and very keen to save Wei Wuxian's misguided soul) doesn't find out about any aspect of that.

Wei Ying’s gaze is so intent on his face, Lan Wangji can feel it, even without looking him in the eye. Wei Ying can read him so well. Almost as well as . . . Lan Wangji swallows. Even thinking the name feels like a dishonor in this moment, as his body is humming and pulsing at the familiar, much-trodden path his thoughts are slipping down.

Jiang Cheng finds out about Wei Ying's missing golden core, and decides to fix it. With books. And his dick. Lan Zhan is there to help.

The Jiang Sect was famous for it's marvelous creations. Lan Wangji is just as enthralled as everyone else until he gets a closer look.

Huaisang ran his fingers up over Mingjue’s thigh and abdomen, smoothing in slow circles as he spoke, “Just relax, Da-ge. I’ll take good care of you.”

In the end, there isn’t much of a discussion. With the sabre spirit boiling in Mingjue’s blood, it has to be Huaisang. Huaisang has regular courses, has never actually been stabbed or tortured on the field of battle. They know their duty to the family. If Mingjue can’t risk a child, Huaisang will do it. But she's not doing it alone.

Nie Huaisang blinks his big dark eyes open and scoots closer, thighs bumping against the outside of Nie Mingjue's hips. "I don't feel anything yet," he says. "Can you give me some more?"

Huaisang pulls against the heavy, taut drape of the hanfu’s collar and the layers underneath, revealing barely a triangle of his pale clavicle and shoulder as he fans himself from the heat. It’s a tantalizing strip of skin, and before Mingjue can drag his eyes away, the glint of silver catches his gaze. Is that - ? Mingjue only gets a glimpse. Nestled between Huaisang’s skin and the gauzy white inner robe, there’s a strip of silver-black. A strap. A - a bra strap. It burns at the back of his mind for hours, like an ember in the dark, a glow he can see even with his eyes closed. What is Huaisang hiding, underneath all those layers?

Pat’s never really had anyone do this before– the gentle, almost rhythmic smoothing as Brian makes his way across one wing and then the other, seemingly in no rush to get to the main event, so to speak. He hasn’t touched Pat’s preen oil glands at all, but apparently Pat’s body has gotten the message that preening is happening now anyway. He can feel that the feathers closest to his back are slick with oil now, already noticeably heavier than usual. Brian seems to notice this as well, as he pauses mid-sentence to let out a soft “Hmm!” when his ministrations shift again towards the center of Pat’s back.

Mingjue’s first thought is: generic. This is entirely Huaisang's fault, the product of listening to far too many rants about the failings of modern men’s fashion. Lan Xichen looks like he’s stepped out of a diagram labelled “Business Casual.” Mingjue’s second thought is: pretty.

Who do you bloom for, in your lungs?

Lan Wangji believes he and Wei Wuxian are essentially engaged. While they search for his missing betrothed, he accidentally reveals as much to Jiang Wanyin. Now everyone in the cultivation world knows about the imminent marriage, except for Wei Wuxian himself.

“Tell me I’m beautiful, Lan er-gege!” “You are well aware you are beautiful,” Lan Wangji says. Wei Wuxian trips over Jiang Wanyin and sends both of them to the ground in a tangle of limbs and bruises.

The first time Wei Wuxian sees Lan Zhan naked in the Cold Spring behind Cloud Recesses, she's totally blindsided. Lan Zhan is meditating, tips of her hair trailing through the water when Wei Wuxian arrives and starts to strip down. Her eyes are closed, and her tits are floating in the water in front of her. Several things strike Wei Wuxian in quick succession. Five times Wei Wuxian notices how absolutely enormous Lan Zhan's tits are, and one time she does something about it: A fill for a prompt in the MDZS/CQL Kink Meme.

It doesn’t come up often, and Wen Qing didn’t plan it this way, but she has slept with all of the Yunmeng siblings (separately) and she’s not even a little bit sorry about it, it was all good.

Saving people, hunting things: the family business. Modern AU: the Nies are hit by a demon's death curse, which is NOT fuck or die - it's fuck AND die, a kind of reverse cultivation curse that's usually directed against cultivation partners, destroying their golden cores little by little every time they fuck. NOT a clever curse to use against brothers! ...except that the curse comes with a chaser: its targets share blisteringly horny sex dreams every night, as a way of encouraging them to go ahead and give in to the whole fuck-and-die schtick. Awkward. So it makes sense to search for a cure to the curse, right? Especially since the cure might actually help stabilise Mingjue's golden core. Obviously they have no intention of actually boning once they've got rid of the whole fuck-and-die curse... (...for the life of me I can't remember who suggested a Fuck AND Die trope on Twitter many weeks ago - evidently it has been living rent free in the back of my head ever since, though, and so here we have some Niecest.)

Mingjue has been working too much, so Huaisang brings him lunch and a special surprise. Huaisang's motives aren't entirely altruistic...

A week later, Jiang Cheng gets a chance to talk to someone he trusts about the revelations during and preceding the confrontation at Guanyin Temple. Part of the Therapy for the Sunshot Generation Agenda

“What,” Nie Mingjue said, even as Jin Zixuan got up with a set expression on his face to accept a bow from his servant, “are you doing?” Jin Zixuan paused, looking puzzled – and no surprise, since Nie Mingjue hadn’t said anything beyond the most mundane greetings when he first arrived. “Sect Leader Nie..?” Nie Mingjue rose to his feet, his brother’s hand falling off of his arm as if he’d shaken him off like a dog. “What are you doing?” he demanded, louder this time. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Depending on how one looked at it, Nie Mingjue either should have gotten married years ago or didn’t need to marry at all. Especially not to Jiang Yanli. Still, when, after the war, she made the suggestion, however circumspectly, Nie Mingjue did not refuse immediately, but agreed to consider the matter.

"Betrothed," Wei Ying says indignantly. Lan Wangji can't stop his gaze from darting up to him. Wei Ying understands. Wei Ying is looking at him, wide-eyed and upset on his behalf. "And you don't even like her," Wei Ying says. "I don't even know her," Lan Wangji says quietly. "But even if you did—" Wei Ying starts. "I wouldn't want this," Lan Wangji finishes.

this idea hit me today honestly i just want all of you to think about yllz huaisang our boys ends up kidnapped and beat by wen chao in retaliation for the death of wen xu and when they think he’s about to die wen chao just has him dropped in the burial mounds, crushed core and all, and the resentful energy that’s there just pulls him back together, reknitting his broken bones and filling the space where his weak golden core used to live and this time when they ask ‘don’t you want revenge nie huaisang’ he answers ‘of course i want revenge’ and so nie huaisang is rebuilt and instead of cultivating with a flute, he controls the resentful energy with his fans, flicking them this way and that to direct the energy and bend it to his will

It wasn’t that Jiang Cheng hadn’t liked Nie Huaisang well enough, when they were all learning together in the Cloud Recesses. Anyone who had the energy to keep up with Wei Wuxian – and just enough good sense to help veer him off the really bad ideas, even if he did keep egging him on in regards to the medium-grade bad ones – was good news in his books. But liking him didn’t mean respecting him, and the fact that Nie Huaisang hadn’t participated much in the war – couldn’t participate much – had led Jiang Cheng to discount him more or less entirely. That’s what made it all the more surprising when Nie Huaisang ended up being the unofficial leader of the three remaining Great Sects in opposing Jin Guangshan after the war.

On the morning of his birthday, the Chief Cultivator, Lan Wangji, wakes up on time, as always, and finds his normally-fast-asleep husband wide awake and wearing nothing but a ribbon. He does not leave his bed for another shichen, missing breakfast; he will need to make it up to his family later. He does not care. He knows it will be the only good gift he receives today.

Xiao Zhan isn't sure when a normal evening drinking with his cast mates turned into watching porn with them, but the transition must have been both swift and head-spinning, and if pressed, he'd blame it on Yu Bin.

Following the war, Wen Qing had had something of a revelation. Namely, that the vast majority of problems in her life were due to the fact that she was surrounded by a bunch of idiots. (a getting-together story)

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying go undercover at a fetish party.

“So,” Lan Xichen said after a while. “We’ve been sharing dreams.” “It certainly appears that way,” Nie Mingjue agreed. “How do we make it stop?” Jin Guangyao wanted to know. (in which the sworn brotherhood ceremony is accompanied by an unexpected mental bond)

Nie Huaisang hates, hates, hates paperwork. Life would be so much better if only Meng Yao (now officially recognized as Jin Guangyao) were available to do it for him...but unfortunately, his brother never did end up swearing brotherhood with him, which means that Nie Huaisang has no basis to go ask him for help. If only there were another position available where Jin Guangyao could just run the Nie sect – (in which Nie Huaisang decides to matchmake his brother and Jin Guangyao together for his own selfish reasons)

The woman that men called Cangse Sanren, a title she accepted out of lack of anything better to use, had any number of suitors, but her favorite one was one that never formally approached her to state his suit – neither the one who scolded her because she broke all the rules, nor the one who idealized her for it, but the one who made her laugh about it. His name was Wei Changze. He wasn't quite the same as all the others in another way, too.

Nie Huaisang thought that - should the time travel array actually work and he end up back in time before everything happened, with his brother still alive and well - that the first thing he would do would be to properly weep and cry and hug his brother, not jump straight into explanations and strategizing. Then again, he hadn't expected that the array would somehow send his spirit into his brother's body, casting his brother's spirit into his own past self, either.

Baxia's beloved master, Nie Mingjue, had a spirit as close as she had ever seen a human come to being a saber spirit, steel right down to the core of him, principles held as stiffly as her blade even when the results of those principles turned to cut against him. Full of rage, just as she was, but tempered, just like her – disciplined, fearsome, just. But still - too soft, sometimes. Baxia decides to fix that.

“Well, no one cares what you think!” Jin Zixun shouted, and Jin Zixuan flinched, already knowing that this was going to end in disaster. His older cousin – his father’s favorite of the lot – was mean at the best of times, and when he was angry, he was especially cruel. A kid like Jiang Cheng, barely nine, wouldn’t be able to deal with him. “You’ll never made anything of yourself, anyway; the best thing you’ll ever be is A-Xuan’s wife!”

It's been months since Jiang Cheng has last seen his lovers. To make up for it, he comes to Qinghe bearing a gift.

There’s more to being a Nie than wielding a saber. Or 5 things Nie Mingjue tries to teach his brother, and one he learns.

When the Wen sect came to ask for hostages, Jiang Fengmian decided that he wasn't willing to risk Wei Wuxian getting hurt and instead sent Jiang Cheng to the indoctrination camp alone. Jiang Cheng spent his time there making friends. (“…wow,” Nie Huaisang said when Jiang Cheng finished explaining. “That’s – that’s bullshit.”)

Everyone knows that the esteemed First Jade of Lan, the honorable Zewu-jun, future sect leader of Gusu Lan and paragon of strength, is an alpha - and a powerful one at that. While sheltering him from the Wen, Meng Yao discovers otherwise.

Meng Yao goes to Qinghe on the advice of Lan Xichen, a man two years older than him - and meets Nie Mingjue, who is very notably younger. That changes things, somehow.

HOLY FUCK IS THAT A BABY?! The howling anguish of the Burial Mounds goes silent. Wei Wuxian has returned, and he has brought other people with him, and one of those people is, indeed, a baby. The little caravan of weary living people (who have a fucking baby with them) works its way up what might generously be called a path, deeper into the cursed hills, and they have the full attention of many, many ghosts. Resentful energy burns away, boiling into nothing under the utter shock of the situation. Who the fuck brings a baby to the Burial Mounds? Or: People think Wei Wuxian somehow cleansed the resentment of the Burial Mounds for the Wen survivors, but actually, the ghosts did it as babyproofing.

Wei Wuxian barely makes a sound when Jin Zixun’s sword goes through his chest. A tiny noise is punched out of him — half gasp, half sigh. Jin Zixun, wearing that smirk that Lan Wangji has always hated, moves to pull the sword out. This won’t do; Lan Wangji knows enough about battlefield medicine to understand the principle of keeping the weapon in the wound until a medic arrives. So he does the only thing that occurs to him in the moment, letting the momentum of flight be the force behind the swing; he cuts off Jin Zixun’s hand. - Lan Wangji goes with Wei Wuxian to his nephew's one-month celebration instead of Wen Ning. They still don't make it to the party.

Ji Li probably should have texted first. He’d been staying with Yizhou for a little while now and they’d fallen into a pretty easy rhythm. He felt so comfortable in the arrangement it had just slipped his mind. What could he possibly be doing anyway?

“Ah, fuck, da-ge, fill me up, please, fuck,” which is entirely normal for them, or as normal as a didi being plowed into the bed by his da-ge can be, and it’s fine, until Huaisang’s mouth betrays him. “Knock me up, da-ge, give me your baby, please.”

In retrospect, Nie Mingjue should have figured out what was going on earlier. The first couple of times his gym shirts disappeared could easily be chalked up to mistakes - misplacing them in the locker room, slipping out of his gym bag in the parking lot, disappearing into the black hole of the laundry room. The third, and fourth, and fifth disappearances suggested a loss by intent more than accident. Mingjue bought more shirts. More shirts disappeared.

Nie Huaisang sends a video of his invention into the groupchat: “houston, we have a live one.” Mo Xuanyu replies within a split of a second: “omg, wig. can i make you a website to livestream?” or kinky twink gets buttplug hooked to twitter live data for science!

Some time ago, Nie Mingjue gave this gift to Huaisang. Now Huaisang has found a way for both of them to enjoy it in a new way and he can't wait to share. From the text: “I just want to try something, if you don't mind.” Nie Mingjue watches him retrieve a box from under the bed. He recognizes it, it contains something Nie Mingjue gifted to Nie Huaisang. And indeed, that's exactly what his brother extracts from the box. A sizable pale green jade dildo, shaped after his own member. He gave that to Nie Huaisang before their relationship evolved into this. He didn't explain at the time, what it was supposed to look like, but it became very clear the first time Nie Huaisang saw him erect. By then he had familiarized himself with that shape and that size, and was delighted by this discovery.

What's a little breaking and entering, between a person and their absolute object of affection? And who would take a gift horse in the mouth by walking away when the opportunity presents itself so beautifully, so perfectly, so temptingly, so- you get the idea. Or do you?

The sight of Obi-Wan sprawled out in the warm, shallow pool, eyes closed as he drowses, is too much for any sentient to resist, and Kit certainly isn't about to try.

Wei Wuxian almost does not catch the name of the song. In which the aftermath of the cave battle involves just enough communication to make a difference.

Two things happen simultaneously when their hands touch: first, the migraine that Xiao Zhan's been fighting all day dissipates so immediately that a loud gasp slips out of his mouth. Second, a torrential outpouring of warmth shoots up Xiao Zhan's arm so quickly that he almost loses his balance and falls off the bench. The next moment, Xiao Zhan drops Yibo's hand. He tries to convert the abrupt movement into something more graceful, but he doesn't think he succeeds. Yibo's eyes have gone wide. His neck bobs as he swallows. What the hell, Xiao Zhan thinks faintly, astonishment thick in his throat. He just manages to keep himself from passing out as the migraine lances through his head again with a vengeance.