Karkat is failing programming, English 101, and laundry. John can smell weakness, and like the best palhoncho he attacks weakness with friendship, relentless and obnoxious friendship. He has, however, delegated all of the butt touching to Jade and Dave.

Karkat can feel the press of John’s arousal against one of his arms. His fingers twitch and reach helplessly, but his limbs are pushed as far as they can go. John chuckles against his shoulder, aware of Karkat’s efforts, and noses against the troll’s ear, warm breaths ghosting against sensitive flesh. “You’re so, well, eager like this, Karkat!”

He wears the denim skirt because it's stiff enough at the waist to hide a lack of hips and pulls tight enough on the back when he bends over that his ass looks fantastic.

Twelve kids. Four trolls. Twelve guardians, four ancestors, one doloros, four lusii, seventeen lands, one megaplanet, one session, one two three one team. One more chance to win.

You lose your pale virginity to John Egbert at a Gamzee Makara party.

John and Vriska wake up in bed together after a party. Can their bropalship survive in the wake of alcohol and hormones?

Karkat has gone really still. He opens his mouth. Closes his mouth. Opens his mouth-- "No. On second thought, no. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I said I would do this. I have never had even the slightest desire to do this." "Uh," John says. "Okay?"

"At first you'd thought Terezi felt a little left out of this clusterfuck of a relationship, always watching you and Karkat at each others' throats and goading each other on, but you've come to realize that she doesn't mind being a little on the sidelines. Correction: she gets off on it."

Dirk laughs, presses his lips to the sweat-drenched nape of your neck, lets his teeth scrape the skin. "Don't worry, babe, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I've got something special for you. Get up."

Crackling quiet on the line for a second. "Are you serious?" Jake asks at last. "You've programmed that machine of yours to...?" He trails off but the question mark is audible.

You're going to leave the toybox in the closet tonight, because you are fairly certain that you can ruin him six ways to Sunday without even a pair of fuzzy handcuffs to back you up, and you really don't want to give the poor guy an aneurysm or something.

"Gosh, Karkat! That's not what I was expecting at all!" Fanart drawn for Porn Battle XII.

In which all sixteen kids live reasonably happily ever after in the Veil. Alternately: that one AU where trolls have sex by barfing blood into buckets.

Bro makes a show of snorting, of relaxing his stance. His heart is still in his throat. His kids, his kids, someone almost took his kids. Someone did, and the only reason they didn't get away with it has nothing to do with him, nothing, and everything with that rabid weasel who won't. Step. Off. His balls. -- Pretty much as the title says.

John is one of eight mech pilots heroically protecting Earth from an alien invasion. Pretty easy on the moral choices. See evil monster from space, kill evil monster from space. Only then he actually meets one of them face to face.

"They're not going to bite, you know," She drawled without even turning to look at him, as she forced a sausage-like Harleybertian leg in a leg-hole. She was smirking, though, he could tell from her voice. "Or projectile venom. Hell, even vomit wouldn't get that far." Prequel to Battlefield Terra. 3 000 words of Mr. Strider meeting his newborn clonebabies for the first time. Also features Doc Lalonde.

In which a mutant too famous to cull is dropped like a grenade into the midst of the peace process, a foolish monarch proves himself secretly shrewd, the power of friendship functions as a force multiplier, and it is discovered that in the Great Game of espionage, the dealer does not always win.

Gamzee sits there all to grinning, because he gets this by now, he does: Equius says Do you want me to when he means I fucking want to so bad I can't fucking stand it, like getting all close to what he wants would make it snap like one of his motherfucking robots. Seems like, if you pity a brother with a hangup like that, about the only motherfucking thing to do is take the decisions right the fuck out of his strong hands.

Dave nods. "Most of the inhabitants of this sorry rock," he confides, "cry themselves to sleep at night at the knowledge that you beat them to the incomparable prize of Dave Strider's undivided affections." There's not enough irony left in this poor depleted universe to sustain statements like that very often, so he kisses Tavros again before he can talk himself into actual sincere confession time.

Survivors: Meet Up. In which VD picks up various characters, bangs them together like Barbie dolls, and writes about the noises they make. Now with dreambubble foaming action!

Gamzee has one little wish for Smashed Bloodpusher Eve.

Three years on an asteroid makes for a lot of hanging out to do, and it's during one of these hang outs that Terezi discovers Dave's photo album. It takes a little convincing, but soon Dave is taking her on a trip down his particular Memory Lane.

Those fucking humans. You remember. They won. They won everything. They even won you. Won all of you back from your dead-end fucking universe and took you with them into their reality-spraining victory. Cheating nookstains didn’t even fight; they won by ‘shenanigans’, that peculiarly human trick of winning-by-not-playing. And in that inside-out, backwards way of theirs, they never even considered keeping all the spoils for themselves.

Terezi tells Dave and Karkat she's getting them matching red collars. When she's not around, they have a mini argument/fight about what this means, and which of them gave her the impression they wanted to be collared/owned. (they both argue that it was the other one) obviously they are in denial, they both want it, and terezi is really good at figuring things out. also this can end however but preferably with a sexy collaring scene. smut optional

Dave and Terezi do a shitty sidequest and experience the Dark Nak of their Soul.

A lighthearted vignette wherein a young lady, away from home at a professional conference, utilizes the internet to discuss an important issue in interpersonal relationships with the young man she has been cohabiting with for several years. Files are sent, metaphors are abused, and a happy ending is guaranteed.

In which feelings are hard, relationships are complicated, and Seers spend a lot of time laughing at Knights.

Since the universe knows just how terrible Karkat Vantas is, the unseen forces of fate decide to make him live with Dave Strider. Little did he know that Mr. Insufferable Prick would end up being the main reason he survived college.

In which John has a lingerie fetish. Written for the kink meme.

TT: Sometimes I've gotta go round her up from some godforsaken cranny of the abyss. Drag her tipsy ass home, tuck her back in. A few instances of Dirk taking care of Roxy while she's half-awake on Derse.

Dave realizes he has a most unfortunate crush on his best friend. This is obviously a great foundation for a black relationship with Karkat. Competitive flirting is a thing that exists, the kids try out various bits of troll culture, Dave makes consistently excellent decisions and generally has his priorities in order (no he doesn't), and there's a whole lot of talking.

When all they have left to hold onto is each other, how can they ever let go?

In which Dave realizes that the situation is stupid in the most ironically enjoyable way.

There are some things you have to do as a friendleader, and some you have to do as a friend. Sometimes, it's the same thing.

Aradia had always thought seadwellers were all nasty, ruthless, terrible monsters who abused their place on the hemospectrum. After an encounter with the Heiress herself, she realizes that maybe not all seadwellers are bad after all.

Karkat is all for cultural exchanges and trying to see each others point of view, but there is such a thing as going too damned far.

When you open yourself up completely to someone else, you also make yourself completely vulnerable.

Or A Brief Sketch Of An Ideal Outcome For An Entirely Fictional And Deeply But Unnecessarily Disturbed Relationship Dedicated To Certain Individuals Who Even When Figuratively Armed With Vessels Of Water And Saccharine Coatings Cannot Take A Hint

When Gamzee takes it up a notch in his attempts to court Dave into being his kismesis, Dave decides he can't just ignore it any more. Cue lengthy Karkat Vantas rants and awkward teenage boy fumblings. Slightly aged up AU where everyone is one big, dysfunctional family on the meteor while they wait out their three years.

The Game is over. You've won. But it was a long, hard, painful victory, and the rewards have a catch, and you're all a little broken. But you'll stick together anyway because that's just what you do. You help each other cope and somehow in the end you'll make it through. ((Humanstuck AU: Mainly Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas. Dave second-person POV. Post-Sburb.))

John/Karkat, John/Eridan, commentfic, PG. Fanfiction by Dave Strider.

"You've got no fucking clue which end is up about this kind of thing, do you?" Karkat asks, almost gently. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone off on you. You're such a huge bitch it's easy to forget you weren't hatched like this."

Dave was…off since he’d seen the alternate teenage version of his bro in person. For the most part he seemed okay, and Karkat couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that was off about him, but there was something.

Feed a cold, starve a fever, and in the case of an ennui-filled Terezi Pyrope just quadruple caloric intake.

Karkat Vantas, despite numerous protests, has just joined Alternia High's Gay-Straight Alliance. Shenanigans ensue.

This isn't a thing Equius does; surrendering to impulses is for other people. He has always been one to measure, to strategize, to rein himself in as best he can. It was a necessity. Even his liaisons to satisfy the drones were more matters of negotiation and restraint than unbridled passion, adequate but not exceptional. But as Strider follows him out of the hangar and down the corridor, it's all Equius can do not to turn on him, not to attack him right there, not to pin him to the wall with hands around his throat and knee between his thighs.

Dave discovers his asexuality. John discovers internet porn. Rose is awesome. Jade is adorable. Everyone learns a little bit more about each other and themselves. Oh, and eventually, Dave and John get together. Yes.

"They just watch," John says, kicking the mop bucket into the broom closet after a hard day's asteroid-cleaning. "I guess chores are like a spectator sport for trolls? It's pretty weird! But... that's trolls for you!"

Your name is Dave Strider and you are 26 years old. You have just gotten engaged. The problem being that you have just gotten engaged to your best male friend in a furious fit of stupidity, champagne, one-upmanship and a weird warm-glowy feeling that occasionally (or more than occasionally) rolls around in the pit of your stomach and makes you act like a moron. You have, over the past 13 years and much careful experimentation, dubbed this “The Egbert Effect”. You would like to state, for the record, that you are definitely, completely and 100% NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. As Bro carefully describes to you what, as the DJ, he’s going to play at the reception (almost entirely a medley of Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha), you carefully nurse a Rock Star and vodka like a 16 year old girl who just popped her cherry at prom and try to figure out what the fuck happened over the past decade or so to land you in this mess.

Dave can't talk dirty without making a fool of himself; to no one's surprise, Karkat is a screamer; and in summary, Dave and Karkat are terrible people to room next to.