Ashura stops to plant a few seeds and changes the course of destiny.

Zabuza fishes a dying Konoha nin out of the Nakano. That one action is the falling stone that kicks off an avalanche.

“He’s hot, isn't he?” Izuna asks, stealing one of Tobirama’s pens. Entirely distracted by his thoughts, Tobirama grunts in agreement, then realizes exactly what he was confirming and snaps his head up to glare at Izuna. Izuna just laughs in his face, and Tobirama groans and presses a hand over his eyes.

Ameyuri and Zabuza get locked in a closet. It's maybe not an entirely terrible thing.

It should probably be more of a surprise than it is for Iruka to find his lover of fourteen months shivering on his doorstep, the blond little boy that Konoha has been searching so desperately for clutched in his arms.

“There you go,” the voice says, and the hand on Omoi's shoulder loosens. “Okay, how’s the rest?” “Awful,” Omoi mutters, but he drops his hand, lets his eyes slide further open. “I'm going to be the first Sentinel to zone out on dewdrops and then B will be so ashamed of me he’ll shave his head and move to Kusa.”

As Haku sends them roaring away from the dock, Asuma's powder ignites, sweeping a cloud of fire across the side of the prison. It clings like napalm, settles on the stone and starts eating through it, and Asuma slouches back into his seat next to Zabuza with a satisfied smile. “Pretty good for a night’s work,” is his verdict. Ino laughs, leaning forward as her long hair whips out behind her. “Asuma-sensei, did you find a partner?” she asks delightedly. “In prison?” Shikamaru mutters judgmentally.

“Hang on,” Obito whispers, pressing his hand against the back of Sakura's head so she won't have to watch the White Zetsu approach. “Close your eyes, Sakura, you’ll be fine.” Maybe he can bargain with them, or maybe he can stall them, useless as he is. Maybe there's a way she can survive this, even if Obito can't. And then there's a step, loud on the rocky bank. “I think,” a voice says, calm and perfectly even, “that you're trespassing on Senju lands.”

“Fuck, you too?” is the first thing Zabuza says to him after a solid five years apart.

“Shh,” Kakashi breathes against his lips, and there's a look in his eyes that he gets on the very worst missions, in the middle of a battle, when there's nothing left in him of restraint or anything beyond instinct and act-react. “You’re safe, Shisui. And I'm going to fix it.”

C told Omoi to smile, but even thinking about that is exhausting.

“Who is Team 7’s new sensei?” Iruka demands in horror, voice breaking about two octaves higher than is probably appropriate for a man his age. Tsunade doesn’t even look up from her paperwork. “The Uchiha brat,” she says. And then, after a beat, “Wait, no, that’s Shisui. The other Uchiha brat. The one who dragged me back to this damn village to begin with.”

Shane has the worst timing.

Tsunade smiles, thin and bare with fury. “Sensei,” she says, and steps forward. It seems for a moment like Sarutobi is going to try to hug her, but she lifts her chin, meets his eyes, and he falters in the face of her expression. Falters, stops, but Tsunade doesn’t. She reaches up, pulls the hat from Sarutobi's head, and says, “I'm deposing you, sensei. You have an hour to leave the office or I’ll be forced to make you.”

“Oh, fuck,” Squalo says, thankfully at about a quarter of his normal volume, as he tumbles to lean against the wall beside Xanxus. “This is like with that shitty Bronco all fucking over again, don’t you fucking dare.”

Nani Pelekai thought she'd seen everything when her sister's dog turned out to be an alien.

Qunari have a good sense of smell, and humans don't smell too bad. Dorian smells amazing.

Ethan and Brandt are assigned to catch a mark, and have to pose as a couple to do it. No big deal. Except that they have to catch the mark inside a BDSM club, Ethan has to be the dom, and Brandt knows far more about this scene then he's telling.

“Somebody what?” Hidan demands. “Killed three of the elders and tried to kill the headman,” Fū reports cheerfully, and grabs his arm as he wheels around, flinging herself up onto his back. Hidan grunts, staggers, but keeps moving, and Fū locks her knees around his ribs with a laugh. “Fuck, someone else got to them first?” Hidan complains. “I had dibs!”

Pete is a divorced Elvis impersonator at a Las Vegas wedding chapel, who’s stopped believing in happy endings. Patrick hasn’t, but then again, he’s there to marry Bob.

Edward, Tobirama, some accidental dimension travel, and questions of methodology. Plus snark.

Obito turns himself into the Whomping Willow. It goes great, right up until people start making a nuisance of themselves under his roots.

Parker, Hardison, and Eliot are youtubers. And also criminals, incidentally.

It should be easy to judge a man by the shape of his soul, but Strawhat Luffy spits in the face of logic and predictability.

Guy woos Kakashi. Kakashi is not exactly appreciative of his efforts. Neither is most anyone else in the village, except those who are laughing. They are sadly numerous.

“Reborn!” He squeaks, voice caught somewhere in his throat as panic starts to set in. Coming to the swift and horrible conclusion of what his sadist tutor is going to make him do. His thoughts are proven right as Reborn begins to explain. “When searching, people tend to overlook the opposite sex. No one thinks a mafia boss will be willing to put on a dress just to escape from capture. They assume it is against their masculine pride or some such nonsense.” Reborn’s grin is practically predatory, obviously enjoying Tsuna’s discomfort. “That is why it always works if you know how to blend in correctly.” ----- aka; the fic where Tsuna goes undercover as a girl to a local festival to learn how to avoid being captured by enemies, but ends up sexually frustrating Yamamoto Takeshi who wasn't aware he had a very specific fetish.

Reborn is a ashamed to say he won’t notice a lot of the weirdness about to happen before he is almost powerless to stop it.

“Oh my god,” Jiraiya says, staring up at the ceiling.

Obito glances over Sakura, sprawled out on the couch painting her nails, and raises a brow. “I thought Kakashi told you to leave?” “Ha.” Sakura checks her nails, then starts applying another coat. “He has like three hundred sports channels. I'm not moving an inch.”

Kakashi is being trolled. He doesn’t know how that can be, but he knows with utmost certainty that he’s being trolled somehow. OR Kakashi gets saddled with the cheekiest little brats ever and wonders if it's too late to become a missing nin.

Sasuke starts calling Naruto "the missus" behind his back two months after moving in with him. It was, in retrospect, akin to ritual suicide.

An AU oneshot based off of my fic "An Invincible Summer" The Massacre was prevented, and some things stay the same, but a lot of things are different. Mostly that Natsu ends up with a different Uchiha.

When Endeavor finishes delivering his ultimatum, All-Might uses one of his precious minutes in his hero form to punch Endeavor in the face. The force of it sends the number two hero staggering back and into an alley wall, leaving an Endeavor-sized imprint in the bricks. “THAT IS NOT HERO-LIKE BEHAVIOR!” All-Might roars. ~ Endeavor finds out some secrets, and the price of his silence is the marriage of Izuku Midoriya, the anonymous hero Deku, to his youngest son.

Peter’s first post-mission Avengers hang out goes about as well as one would expect.

A what if, of a what if... What if the Vongola Tenth Generation were to be raised by Uchiha Madara and Senju Tobirama? Well, for one thing they don't even bother with pretending to be nice people. For another, Madara is born into the Hibari family. Yes. Madara. Also yes. Those Hibari.

In which Minato is a Sky, Obito is his Guardian, and everything gets fucked beyond measure.

Padmé, Anakin, and Obi-Wan are dating. For some reason, the media doesn't know what to make of it. Featuring Ahsoka's Snapchat, Anakin's band The Sith Lords, Satine's talk show, and Quinlan and Luminara starring in Generic Action Hero: European City.

The thing about magic is that you can’t do it by yourself. No one person has enough magic in them to do even a minor casting – you need a coven. Parker knew that about magic, which was why she couldn’t trust it.

The day her mother gives birth to a horse is the day Persephone decides that she really needs a plan.

Of course. The one day he decides to go above ground on his own volition, someone is raring to catch him.

Demeter wishes her daughter to be eternally virgin; gods line up to seek her hand; but no one bothered to ask Persephone what she wanted out of life. A retelling of the abduction myth.

Derek knew the moment he agreed to participate that he was going to regret this.

“Wade and I have a tradition whenever one of us turns out not to be dead.” She smiles at Cable politely. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” “And by dinner, she means bare minimum twelve hours of the most animalistic ravaging of each others’ naughty bits that you can see outside Bangkok, big boy. Really putting the freak in fan-freaking-tastic multi-orgasmic cum-marathon.” “So what do you say?” Cable grinds his jaw for a second, but honestly, who would pass up these A-listers? “Why the hell not?”

Short fics originally posted to my Tumblr, edited and collected here.

Remember this, when Persephone falls: she was earth’s daughter, and the earth swallowed her.

“I can’t even look at you, Clary,” Simon spits, low and accusatory. “I wanted to see you so badly, and now you’re right there, and I can’t even look at you.”

Jace would rather be anywhere else than here - stuck in some alternate dimension with Clary and Simon frigging Lewis. But, unfortunately, he doesn't have a choice. Also, Jace is not okay.

Pick anything the angel said, the Seelie Queen said, and she chose Jace. Anything in the whole world, and she chooses whom she doesn’t have. That isn’t quite complete: she thought she had Simon.

Four people who knew Steven and Andrew were married, and everyone who didn't.

"Steven, that was a horse, it was not a unicorn because unicorns don't exist. Can we please focus on the much larger problem at hand here? We are lost in the Irish countryside with no food, dead phones, and the only person we've seen for hours was a creepy lady in a cart. A cart, Steven. Don't focus on what the crazy cart lady told you, focus on the fact that if we're lost for much longer it won't matter if it was a unicorn or not because I'm gonna find it and I'm gonna eat the fucking horse!" "Whoa," Steven says. "That is the most I've ever heard you modulate your voice, you're really freaked out, huh?"