“You’re good at this,” Gon compliments, after a while. He moves to take a seat by Killua, at the lip of the river. “Catching fish, I mean.” There’s a pause. “Killing fish,” Killua corrects, quietly. For the first time all morning, Killua puts down his fishing rod, faces Gon completely. “You meant to say ‘killing’.”

“Honey,” Wade calls over his shoulder without taking his eyes off their visitor. “Why is there a teenage mutant in our breakfast nook? Not that I’m not happy to see you,” he says to Negasonic, who raises her eyebrows owlishly. Vanessa comes out of the bedroom and hooks her chin over Wade’s shoulder. “Do you think she heard me getting my spanking?” he whispers. “Because that was *private* noise.” “I don’t know,” Vanessa says. “But she looks like she needs some coffee and pancakes, don’t you think?” Negasonic grins. It’s scary as fuck.

“I don’t care for that honorifics crap. Well, I guess Ygritte hasn’t told you, did she?” “Told me what?” “What I thought. Just call me Robb. I don’t get off on people calling me titles.” “And what do you get off to then? If I may ask.” “Sure you can. I get off on people trusting me to do right by them. Which means that unless everyone is happy, it doesn’t work for me.” Or: where Theon Greyjoy and Robb Stark walk into Ygritte's BDSM club one evening. Calling it good karma is probably an understatement.

Mei’s had dreams that weren’t as good as this.

“I'm so glad you're okay,” Kagami whispers, pressing a kiss to Tobirama’s shoulder blade.

“Happy birthday, Shane,” Sara says. “I got you a Ryan.” “Th—thanks?” Shane says. He looks at Ryan and Ryan just looks back, weirdly impassive, giving nothing away. “But I’m pretty sure I already have a Ryan in this model. What’s the return policy?” “Not like this, you don’t,” she says, raising her eyebrows meaningfully. Out of the corner of his eye Shane can see Ryan bring his hand to his mouth, stifling a snicker that he turns into a cough. Oh, he thinks. Oh shit.

To get to the pollen the team needs, someone has to appease the plant guardian. Shiro steps up.

With a shaky breath, Obito pulls his mouth away, wraps his arms around Kisame's chest and presses up against him. “I wasn’t late,” he says, more to himself than Kisame. “I got there in time. I wasn’t late. I saved you.”

“What,” Kakuzu says flatly. The redheaded witch who foiled his assassination sips her tea, for all the world like Kakuzu isn't trussed up like a sacrificial offering at her feet. “I said my husband thinks you're handsome,” she repeats, as if that will remove the sheer insanity from those five words. “I tried to kill him,” Kakuzu says incredulously. “I stabbed him in the chest.”

Me and my husband, watching a martial arts film] Me: See, now this is how the Jedi should have recruited their Padawans: you find some dude and then challenge him to a fight, and if he kicks your ass you then have to beg him to teach you.

Steven starts dating someone. The internet proceeds to lose its mind.

Tentacle Gods: do not mix with Hydra.

The youngest prince of Atlantis goes looking for the Sea Witch in hopes of turning human. He never makes it that far.

Sentinel, Genma thinks, and it’s not really a surprise—the Shiranui Clan have always produced about equal numbers of Guides and Sentinels—but… Guide, something in him whispers, and it’s desperate, grasping, clinging to the beat of the man’s heart. Guide, Guide, Guide, and Genma breathes him in, feels the stirring deep in his soul that tastes of old things and instincts and wants to reach—

Utakata makes a noise of irritation and finally cracks one eye open, glaring up at the shape above him. “It’s December,” he protests. Zabuza grins at him, more challenge than anything, and braces a knee on the bed between Utakata’s thighs. “Want me to keep you warm?” he asks, and big hands settle on Utakata’s hips as lips caress the back of his neck.

Zabuza's first mission out of the village with his genin team takes them right through hostile territory. What a surprise that it goes south.

Right, Alec thought, this is fine. This is totally…. Magnus took off his shirt. Fine.

Magnus sends him fire messages every day.

When Jace gets dark urges to be bitten and kissed, fucked and used, it's Simon he goes to. Like an addict looking for a fix to hit the right spot he keeps on coming back for more.

Simon goes to Raphael in the hope to make peace with him after the events of Season 1's finale. It goes a whole lot better than he could ever have expected.

Kakashi has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants Tsuna to survive, but at least the company is agreeable. And cute.

“Thank you,” he says, and the words feel like they don’t fit right in his mouth. What are you supposed to say, really, when someone gives you a piece of their spirit-form? Especially under these circumstances. Shisui wishes treason came with some kind of manual. Maybe a book full of helpful hints. When plotting to overturn decades of hatred and stop a war by lying to the whole world, be careful not to offend the man giving you his teeth to wear as earrings.

Kakashi is enjoying this a hell of a lot more than he thought he would, and he had high expectations going in.

“What is that?” Tobirama demands incredulously. “Your way out of this system,” Kushina says cheerfully, and Tobirama suddenly understands far better why she’s hanging on his arm like she’s going to physically pin him in place.

Shikamaru squints at him out of one eye. “Omoi,” he says, exasperated. “I'm going to be the first Avatar to ever throw the world out of balance,” Omoi says. “I'm going to cause—” “—me to go prematurely bald,” Shikamaru interrupts, and reaches up to grab his wrist, dragging him down onto the blanket next to him.

Obito recognizes the divine messenger immediately.

Iruka wakes to silence, a rare break in the constant rain.

Shisui's breaths feel too loud in the quiet of the room, like they’re coming too fast. It’s like he’s panting, like he can't get enough air, and it makes his head spin. His whole body is shaking, overheated, burning up from the inside, and he has to catch himself on the edge of the sink and lean there, gasping for air, acutely, exquisitely, awfully aware of every inch of his skin. Behind him, a page turns, crinkling, and there's a quiet hum.

Nagato is in over his head, and getting deeper.

“There you are,” a voice says, sudden enough to make Shisui startle. Before he can even take a step back, though, a familiar figure is stepping out from beneath an overhang of carved stone. Silver hair is bright in the moonlight, even though the light washes color from everything else, turns the red dripping from the tantō black and leaves the pools on the ground depthless. “Captain?” Shisui asks, throat tight, and has to swallow again, has to resist the urge to take a step back. “What—what are you doing here?”

Kurenai looks thoughtful. “So you want help picking someone who will annoy him?” “I want help picking someone who will give him an aneurism,” Asuma corrects, because he’s always been a fan of go big or go home. “Pissing off the mayor seems like a bad idea,” Raidō ventures after a moment, but he’s already looking around the lunchroom, scanning for targets. Asuma snorts. “I'm not pissing off the mayor, I'm pissing off my father,” he says. “Despite what he wants to think, there is a difference.”

“You want me to what?” Hidan demands. “Meet my team,” Asuma repeats patiently, like that’s going to magically change it into a good idea.

“You’re all right?” the stranger asks gently. “I'm sorry for the fright, it’s been a long time since I healed a human, and you’ve changed greatly over the years. Your chakra especially.” A human, implying that he isn't one. Izuna swallows, licks his lips, and wonders what the hell it means that he was just in a liplock with a god.

Ashura stops to plant a few seeds and changes the course of destiny.

Zabuza fishes a dying Konoha nin out of the Nakano. That one action is the falling stone that kicks off an avalanche.

“He’s hot, isn't he?” Izuna asks, stealing one of Tobirama’s pens. Entirely distracted by his thoughts, Tobirama grunts in agreement, then realizes exactly what he was confirming and snaps his head up to glare at Izuna. Izuna just laughs in his face, and Tobirama groans and presses a hand over his eyes.

Ameyuri and Zabuza get locked in a closet. It's maybe not an entirely terrible thing.

It should probably be more of a surprise than it is for Iruka to find his lover of fourteen months shivering on his doorstep, the blond little boy that Konoha has been searching so desperately for clutched in his arms.

“There you go,” the voice says, and the hand on Omoi's shoulder loosens. “Okay, how’s the rest?” “Awful,” Omoi mutters, but he drops his hand, lets his eyes slide further open. “I'm going to be the first Sentinel to zone out on dewdrops and then B will be so ashamed of me he’ll shave his head and move to Kusa.”

As Haku sends them roaring away from the dock, Asuma's powder ignites, sweeping a cloud of fire across the side of the prison. It clings like napalm, settles on the stone and starts eating through it, and Asuma slouches back into his seat next to Zabuza with a satisfied smile. “Pretty good for a night’s work,” is his verdict. Ino laughs, leaning forward as her long hair whips out behind her. “Asuma-sensei, did you find a partner?” she asks delightedly. “In prison?” Shikamaru mutters judgmentally.

“Hang on,” Obito whispers, pressing his hand against the back of Sakura's head so she won't have to watch the White Zetsu approach. “Close your eyes, Sakura, you’ll be fine.” Maybe he can bargain with them, or maybe he can stall them, useless as he is. Maybe there's a way she can survive this, even if Obito can't. And then there's a step, loud on the rocky bank. “I think,” a voice says, calm and perfectly even, “that you're trespassing on Senju lands.”

“Fuck, you too?” is the first thing Zabuza says to him after a solid five years apart.

“Shh,” Kakashi breathes against his lips, and there's a look in his eyes that he gets on the very worst missions, in the middle of a battle, when there's nothing left in him of restraint or anything beyond instinct and act-react. “You’re safe, Shisui. And I'm going to fix it.”

C told Omoi to smile, but even thinking about that is exhausting.

“Who is Team 7’s new sensei?” Iruka demands in horror, voice breaking about two octaves higher than is probably appropriate for a man his age. Tsunade doesn’t even look up from her paperwork. “The Uchiha brat,” she says. And then, after a beat, “Wait, no, that’s Shisui. The other Uchiha brat. The one who dragged me back to this damn village to begin with.”

Shane has the worst timing.

Tsunade smiles, thin and bare with fury. “Sensei,” she says, and steps forward. It seems for a moment like Sarutobi is going to try to hug her, but she lifts her chin, meets his eyes, and he falters in the face of her expression. Falters, stops, but Tsunade doesn’t. She reaches up, pulls the hat from Sarutobi's head, and says, “I'm deposing you, sensei. You have an hour to leave the office or I’ll be forced to make you.”

“Oh, fuck,” Squalo says, thankfully at about a quarter of his normal volume, as he tumbles to lean against the wall beside Xanxus. “This is like with that shitty Bronco all fucking over again, don’t you fucking dare.”

Nani Pelekai thought she'd seen everything when her sister's dog turned out to be an alien.

Qunari have a good sense of smell, and humans don't smell too bad. Dorian smells amazing.