Lan Sizhui's baby has three possible fathers~!

Lan Wangji gets cursed with a ~woman's body~ and has to orgasm to go back. Since he's 1) a virgin 2) super repressed and 3) SUPER gay, he has no idea what to do. If only he had a super nosy friend who's read lots of erotic novels who could help him figure out what to do... hm...

"We did go looking for omegas," Izuna pointed out under his breath, staring down at his personal enemy. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you want Senju Tobirama for a wife," Madara replied just as quietly, a brief spark of amusement blooming at the shocked horror on his baby brother's face. -- Before he was forced to accompany a pack of rut-muddled idiots on a half-baked plan to kidnap omega brides for the good of the Uchiha clan, Madara hadn't given Hashirama's younger brother much thought. Tobirama was a Senju, and therefore the enemy; he, like Madara and Izuna, was sole survivor of his litter, and so to avoid being alone and therefore unmarriageable had ended up paired up with his older omega brother by default; he was a vicious opponent; he was a beta. He had to be a beta. Hashirama wasn't, and nobody would be brazen or stupid enough to bundle up two reproductive siblings in the same litter, right? ... Right?

Every student of House Mandrake is assigned a study partner, a counterpart from House Valerian. Lan Wangji suspects, with some outrage, that he's been given the troublemaker.

It's been a reasonably quiet night thus far, enough so that Peter's well ahead of the game on his usual patrol route, nothing really pinging his radar until he reached this quiet strip of apartment buildings. Only now that he's here, he can't figure out where the danger's coming from, or even what his senses are classifying as danger this time. There's got to be something, though...right?

Wang Lingjiao takes her time mentioning the Wen Supervisory Offices. Yu Ziyuan cuts off Wei Wuxian's sword hand in compliance with the Wens' demands, but Lotus Pier still falls. Its children manage as well as they can.

Nie Mingjue would be the very first to admit that devious plotting was not his strong suit – but if it meant he could make things better, make it so that his brother never had to dirty his hands to avenge him, he would do his best. His best, in this instance, was a forbidden ritual that sent him back in time to before their father had died, before Wen Ruohan's perfidy was revealed, before Meng Yao was twisted by the world's cruelty, before Wei Wuxian was orphaned... Nie Mingjue had a lot to do and very little time in which to do it. Best to get started right away.

Nie Mingjue leaves his first Discussion Conference as a Sect Leader early, desperately needing to find some fresh air and possibly something to hit. Instead he finds a small, dirty child that reminds him of his brother, cowering away from some dogs - Maybe he should take him home.

Possibly some of these will become longer, but not yet. Currently featuring (among others): - child!Jin Ling gets himself kidnapped by a well-meaning Wen Ning - truth serum trope - Nie Huaisang steals the Ghost General - Nie sect adopts the Yiling Patriarch - a variety of arranged marriages - crossover (Leverage, Naruto, Legends of Tomorrow) - dragons dragons everywhere - unintentional black widow WWX - Jiang Cheng is thrown into the burial mounds - NHS wields a fan as a weapon - JC interferes with the events on the Qiongqi Path - Lan Sizhui is Wen Ruohan's son and meets him unknowingly - WWX is named chief cultivator - Jiang Yanli's spirit responds to Lan Wangji's constant playing of Inquiry - WWX & LWJ locked away behind the Wall - LWJ stays in the burial mounds but it affects him - JC does impossible things

There was no way the old contract Jiang Cheng found arranging a marriage between the direct disciples of the Nie and Jiang sects was, as Jiang Cheng insisted, the way to solve the problem of the Yiling Patriarch - if only because there was no way the Nie sect would agree to it. Except - they did. And now they're coming to discuss terms. With Lan Wangji as the official chaperone.

Wei Wuxian was fully prepared to be rejected – no matter what Jiang Cheng said about the Sunshot Campaign caring more about defeating the Wens than anything else, the fact remained that his cultivation was most decidedly abnormal and unorthodox, the sort of thing the cultivation world most scorned. He’d already decided that if they did that, he would return to his previous approach of stalking the Wens from the shadows, fighting them in his own way, on his own. Instead, he walked into the command tent, Chenqing gripped tightly in his hand, and Nie Mingjue didn’t so much as blink, just said, “Can you do anything but ambushes?” and the next thing he knew, it was three shichen later, he’d shared far more than he’d meant to about his new cultivation style, and there were eight different plans of attack that would greatly increase his effectiveness on the battlefield. It was – exhilarating, actually. (in which Nie Mingjue and Wei Wuxian become sworn brothers)

Figuring out that the second daughter of the Jiang clan was, in fact, their son and heir - if you look at it by Qinghe standards - when no one else in Yunmeng had yet figured it out caused Nie Mingjue enough of a headache, and it must have given him a bit of a reputation for sticking his nose into other people's business. That must be the reason that Jiang Cheng would come to him of all people after the fall of the Lotus Pier, hand a little too low down on his stomach for the problem to be food poisoning, to ask for advice - or maybe it was only that he had nobody else to turn to.

When Lan Wangji ran away from the jingshi to look for himself, his back still raw, and on Yiling he found only a small child, feverish but still capable of a little bit of babbling, still able to tell the story of what had happened – when he found the traces of blood on the ground, Wei Wuxian’s from when his power had backlashed on him – when he saw the bodies in the blood pool, already rotting – For the first time in his life, Lan Wangji didn’t want to go home. (what if he had another option?)

Nie Mingjue A northern soldier. Old with a grey beard, Baxia took his head clean off.

There was another boy there at the base of the balcony outside of Meng Shi's window, where Meng Yao liked to sit: a boy few years older than him, taller, in finely made clothing that would normally make Meng Yao itch all over in futile envy, but the other boy’s eyes were white around the edges in a way that was immediately, painfully familiar. “Someone’s chasing you?” Meng Yao asked, and the boy’s eyes widened even further, surprised, but he nodded in confirmation. “There’s a trellis around the left side – can you climb up? I'll hide you.” "Thanks," the boy said, later, once the man he called Wen Ruohan had left. "My name is Nie Mingjue. What's yours?"

It had always been something of a behind-closed-doors debate – a chicken-and-the-egg problem, what came first, what was the cause and what was the symptom. Was the Nie sect’s atypical cultivation method the reason behind the notorious Nie temper? Or were they born with the temper, and the cultivation method merely built upon that? Which one was the reason for their clan’s tendency towards early qi deviations? Nie Huaisang usually threw his money on the “blame the cultivation style”, almost entirely for the sake of pissing off his brother. He was starting to think, though, that he’d been wrong.

Modern AU: Mingjue and Xichen are living in different cities, no longer entirely boyfriends as such, more in a best-friends-sort-of-dating-long-distance-in-an-open-relationship scenario. But in practice this largely involves having long distance phone sex most nights while both watching the same porn. Which, for several months now, has mostly meant watching a sunny little femmeboi called A Yao, who has dimples to die for, an Only Fans page, an endless supply of stockings and dildos, and the kind of flexibility that makes your eyes water. Mingjue and Xichen are maybe just a little obsessed with the idea of wrecking him. Lately, A Yao has started including his roommate "Xiao Tang" in his shoots - with his face pixelated, because Xiao Tang is shy, and is not entirely ready to be internet famous in this way. Mingjue and Xichen are both extremely enthusiastic about this turn of events. Which is going to be a little awkward in the immediate future...

The words spill out of him before he can arrange them into something more coherent. “Anora, I think I might have a child.” (Or: in which Alistair Theirin realises he loves his wife.)

Pat’s never really had anyone do this before– the gentle, almost rhythmic smoothing as Brian makes his way across one wing and then the other, seemingly in no rush to get to the main event, so to speak. He hasn’t touched Pat’s preen oil glands at all, but apparently Pat’s body has gotten the message that preening is happening now anyway. He can feel that the feathers closest to his back are slick with oil now, already noticeably heavier than usual. Brian seems to notice this as well, as he pauses mid-sentence to let out a soft “Hmm!” when his ministrations shift again towards the center of Pat’s back.

It happened like this: Jin Ling was a sect leader now, which was, and Jingyi really meant this, fucking hilarious. There were few things funnier, in his honest opinion. Because he was young, and inexperienced, and also — it had to be said — a real shithead, there was apparently some belief amongst his advisors that the best way forward, to promote the picture of a stable, mature sect leader who absolutely did not cry at the drop of a hat, was for Jin Ling to get married. - OR: Jin Ling and Jingyi get engaged. Things spiral from there.

Saving people, hunting things: the family business. Modern AU: the Nies are hit by a demon's death curse, which is NOT fuck or die - it's fuck AND die, a kind of reverse cultivation curse that's usually directed against cultivation partners, destroying their golden cores little by little every time they fuck. NOT a clever curse to use against brothers! ...except that the curse comes with a chaser: its targets share blisteringly horny sex dreams every night, as a way of encouraging them to go ahead and give in to the whole fuck-and-die schtick. Awkward. So it makes sense to search for a cure to the curse, right? Especially since the cure might actually help stabilise Mingjue's golden core. Obviously they have no intention of actually boning once they've got rid of the whole fuck-and-die curse... (...for the life of me I can't remember who suggested a Fuck AND Die trope on Twitter many weeks ago - evidently it has been living rent free in the back of my head ever since, though, and so here we have some Niecest.)

“What,” Nie Mingjue said, even as Jin Zixuan got up with a set expression on his face to accept a bow from his servant, “are you doing?” Jin Zixuan paused, looking puzzled – and no surprise, since Nie Mingjue hadn’t said anything beyond the most mundane greetings when he first arrived. “Sect Leader Nie..?” Nie Mingjue rose to his feet, his brother’s hand falling off of his arm as if he’d shaken him off like a dog. “What are you doing?” he demanded, louder this time. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Depending on how one looked at it, Nie Mingjue either should have gotten married years ago or didn’t need to marry at all. Especially not to Jiang Yanli. Still, when, after the war, she made the suggestion, however circumspectly, Nie Mingjue did not refuse immediately, but agreed to consider the matter.

It wasn’t that Jiang Cheng hadn’t liked Nie Huaisang well enough, when they were all learning together in the Cloud Recesses. Anyone who had the energy to keep up with Wei Wuxian – and just enough good sense to help veer him off the really bad ideas, even if he did keep egging him on in regards to the medium-grade bad ones – was good news in his books. But liking him didn’t mean respecting him, and the fact that Nie Huaisang hadn’t participated much in the war – couldn’t participate much – had led Jiang Cheng to discount him more or less entirely. That’s what made it all the more surprising when Nie Huaisang ended up being the unofficial leader of the three remaining Great Sects in opposing Jin Guangshan after the war.

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying go undercover at a fetish party.

“So,” Lan Xichen said after a while. “We’ve been sharing dreams.” “It certainly appears that way,” Nie Mingjue agreed. “How do we make it stop?” Jin Guangyao wanted to know. (in which the sworn brotherhood ceremony is accompanied by an unexpected mental bond)

Nie Huaisang hates, hates, hates paperwork. Life would be so much better if only Meng Yao (now officially recognized as Jin Guangyao) were available to do it for him...but unfortunately, his brother never did end up swearing brotherhood with him, which means that Nie Huaisang has no basis to go ask him for help. If only there were another position available where Jin Guangyao could just run the Nie sect – (in which Nie Huaisang decides to matchmake his brother and Jin Guangyao together for his own selfish reasons)

The woman that men called Cangse Sanren, a title she accepted out of lack of anything better to use, had any number of suitors, but her favorite one was one that never formally approached her to state his suit – neither the one who scolded her because she broke all the rules, nor the one who idealized her for it, but the one who made her laugh about it. His name was Wei Changze. He wasn't quite the same as all the others in another way, too.

Nie Huaisang thought that - should the time travel array actually work and he end up back in time before everything happened, with his brother still alive and well - that the first thing he would do would be to properly weep and cry and hug his brother, not jump straight into explanations and strategizing. Then again, he hadn't expected that the array would somehow send his spirit into his brother's body, casting his brother's spirit into his own past self, either.

Baxia's beloved master, Nie Mingjue, had a spirit as close as she had ever seen a human come to being a saber spirit, steel right down to the core of him, principles held as stiffly as her blade even when the results of those principles turned to cut against him. Full of rage, just as she was, but tempered, just like her – disciplined, fearsome, just. But still - too soft, sometimes. Baxia decides to fix that.

“Well, no one cares what you think!” Jin Zixun shouted, and Jin Zixuan flinched, already knowing that this was going to end in disaster. His older cousin – his father’s favorite of the lot – was mean at the best of times, and when he was angry, he was especially cruel. A kid like Jiang Cheng, barely nine, wouldn’t be able to deal with him. “You’ll never made anything of yourself, anyway; the best thing you’ll ever be is A-Xuan’s wife!”

When the Wen sect came to ask for hostages, Jiang Fengmian decided that he wasn't willing to risk Wei Wuxian getting hurt and instead sent Jiang Cheng to the indoctrination camp alone. Jiang Cheng spent his time there making friends. (“…wow,” Nie Huaisang said when Jiang Cheng finished explaining. “That’s – that’s bullshit.”)

The picture is of Wei Ying, that much is clear. It’s of a lot more of Wei Ying than Lan Zhan is used to seeing. He supposes that, technically, Wei Ying is dressed. It’s a bare technicality, since one of Wei Ying’s hands has rucked up his black tank top practically to his collarbone, showing a long expanse of abdomen and one nipple. Sweat beads on his sternum, catching the light like jewels. His other hand is--Lan Zhan feels his eyes widen, as though unable to look away from a train wreck--on his hip, one thumb tugging down the waistband of a pair of red briefs. Wei Ying is biting his lower lip and looking directly into the camera, sultry, his eyes dark and inviting. His erection is obvious, outlined against the red of the briefs and framed carefully with the hand on his hip. Lan Zhan’s brain goes wildly, screamingly blank. Or: Lan Zhan accidentally finds his best friend's OnlyFans account and has an ongoing emotional crisis.

Two things happen simultaneously when their hands touch: first, the migraine that Xiao Zhan's been fighting all day dissipates so immediately that a loud gasp slips out of his mouth. Second, a torrential outpouring of warmth shoots up Xiao Zhan's arm so quickly that he almost loses his balance and falls off the bench. The next moment, Xiao Zhan drops Yibo's hand. He tries to convert the abrupt movement into something more graceful, but he doesn't think he succeeds. Yibo's eyes have gone wide. His neck bobs as he swallows. What the hell, Xiao Zhan thinks faintly, astonishment thick in his throat. He just manages to keep himself from passing out as the migraine lances through his head again with a vengeance.

Ding Rong shakes his head. He opens his mouth and closes it. It would be inappropriate to- “Ask. Whatever you want to know, just ask.” Wang Zhi says, his breath fanning over the vulnerable underside of Ding Rong’s wrist. “How are you-” not dead. Ding Rong chastises himself for being crass. “still alive?” Ding Rong did not ever expect that Wang Zhi is an alpha.

“- and in one generation, they were all women, every single one of them!” “That seems remarkably unlikely,” Wen Ruohan remarked, and looked sidelong at Lan Qiren. “Don’t you think, Sect Leader Lan?” Lan Qiren had no idea the trouble his answer was about to cause.

Agen digs his fingers into the silver-veined bark, smiling a little. Pushes upright, flicking his hair back behind his shoulder, and pulls his outer robe off, draping it over a branch. “A trooper in distress,” he says, stepping forward. “I believe Jedi are supposed to rectify such things.” Two pairs of dark eyes snap to him, and Fives's widen with glee. He wriggles harder under Echo's pinning weight, like a landed fish, and cries, “General Kolar, help! I'm being overrun!”

He knew the instant the flowers went away.

When the massacre of the Tusken Raider village is uncovered, Anakin is recalled to Coruscant to face the Council's inquiry into his actions. Agen Kolar takes his place leading the 501st in a treacherous assault on forces trying to conquer Champala, but no one is happy with Anakin's sudden removal, his padawan and Torrent Company least of all. With little support in a campaign that's rapidly spiraling out of control and strange happenings starting to plague the battalion, Agen is in over his head, and Champala's oceans are more than deep enough to drown them all at the first misstep.

Her daughter is five years old when Ursa realises what she and Ozai have been doing to their children. By each choosing one to bestow with their approval, they’re pitting them against one another. Perhaps Ozai is doing it on purpose, but Ursa isn’t. She resolves to heal the damage she has done. In which Ursa tries to be a better parent to Azula, and it doesn’t change very much. And then, quite abruptly, it changes everything.

Zuko's soul marks have been regularly burned away since before he knew what they meant. He knows that he cannot be loyal to his father and his nation while also being loyal to a soul family, so he doesn't look for them. Unfortunately, that means that he doesn't know when he's found them.

“I’ll be there,” Jiang Cheng said suddenly, and Nie Mingjue blinked. “At – at the Nightless City. After you kill him, after we take the city…I’ll come find you, to make sure you’re all right.” That was stupid, he thought to himself as soon as he said it. Nie Mingjue had an entire sect, and friends, and all that – he didn’t need Jiang Cheng hounding him with his insecurities, his worries, his fear that Nie Mingjue would die, too, die and leave him behind just like all the others. Why should he be the exception? But Nie Mingjue smiled. “I look forward to seeing you then.”

Rumor had already made the entire cultivation world aware that Jiang Fengmian had found the orphaned son of Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze, and that he had taken him into his home as his ward, allowing him to become a Jiang sect disciple – treating him almost as one of the family, even. That much was known, so it didn’t come as much of a surprise when Jiang Fengmian proudly introduced him or even more proudly showed him off, praising him to the high heavens. What did come as a surprise was how little he praised his own son standing beside him, despite them being only a few days apart in age. It was as if Jiang Fengmian had simply forgotten that such a creature existed, much less that he had himself contributed to its spawning, and the constant looks of hope – invariably crushed – the child sent him made it clear that the present situation had been going on for some time. Fuck you, Nie Mingjue thought, seeing red, seeing instead Nie Huaisang in his failed saber classes, struggling so desperately to keep up with the rest even though his body wouldn’t allow for it, being told he was useless and a good-for-nothing and fit for nothing but marriage. Fuck you, Jiang Fengmian.

Well, shit, Nie Huaisang thought, even as he comforted Jin Rusong, petting the toddler’s back to try to get him to calm down. What do I do now?

It's finally time for Nie Mingjue to give Nie Huaisang the Sex Talk. Pity no one ever thought to give one to Nie Mingjue.

“You want me to what,” Lan Qiren said. “Be the father of my child,” Cangse Sanren said. Simply and straightforwardly, as if that were just a thing people said.

Sure, getting fucked by tentacles was a rare, once in two lifetimes kind of experience. But honestly, once you went demon dick there's no going back. OR Shang Qinghua (and Shen Qingqiu) gets tentacle-fucked but Shang Qinghua is still helplessly horny for a certain ice demon.

“Hey,” Lao Nie protested mildly. “Who’s the father here, me or you?” “If a-die wants a new wife, little uncle will find one that isn’t inclined to kill him.” That sounded like a recitation. “Then what’s even the point,” Lao Nie grumbled, and reached out to ruffle his son’s hair, enjoying how Nie Mingjue yelped when he did, glaring up at him with offended dignity.

Not the Pokémon AU you asked for but the one you’re getting anyway. Featuring: full time gym leader and local cryptid Zuko, badge challenger Sokka, and Katara who can only look at so many memes before she flips.

Parenting is hard, but it's especially hard when it's not actually your kid and your sister who raised you died three years ago and you have to deal with your own abandonment issues at the same time as your new kid's abandonment issues and the guy who's raising the kid with you won't stop being a better parent than you. Or: Jiang Cheng has a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week of birthday party planning.