Pete is a divorced Elvis impersonator at a Las Vegas wedding chapel, who’s stopped believing in happy endings. Patrick hasn’t, but then again, he’s there to marry Bob.

Edward, Tobirama, some accidental dimension travel, and questions of methodology. Plus snark.

Obito turns himself into the Whomping Willow. It goes great, right up until people start making a nuisance of themselves under his roots.

Parker, Hardison, and Eliot are youtubers. And also criminals, incidentally.

It should be easy to judge a man by the shape of his soul, but Strawhat Luffy spits in the face of logic and predictability.

Guy woos Kakashi. Kakashi is not exactly appreciative of his efforts. Neither is most anyone else in the village, except those who are laughing. They are sadly numerous.

“Reborn!” He squeaks, voice caught somewhere in his throat as panic starts to set in. Coming to the swift and horrible conclusion of what his sadist tutor is going to make him do. His thoughts are proven right as Reborn begins to explain. “When searching, people tend to overlook the opposite sex. No one thinks a mafia boss will be willing to put on a dress just to escape from capture. They assume it is against their masculine pride or some such nonsense.” Reborn’s grin is practically predatory, obviously enjoying Tsuna’s discomfort. “That is why it always works if you know how to blend in correctly.” ----- aka; the fic where Tsuna goes undercover as a girl to a local festival to learn how to avoid being captured by enemies, but ends up sexually frustrating Yamamoto Takeshi who wasn't aware he had a very specific fetish.

Reborn is a ashamed to say he won’t notice a lot of the weirdness about to happen before he is almost powerless to stop it.

“Oh my god,” Jiraiya says, staring up at the ceiling.

Obito glances over Sakura, sprawled out on the couch painting her nails, and raises a brow. “I thought Kakashi told you to leave?” “Ha.” Sakura checks her nails, then starts applying another coat. “He has like three hundred sports channels. I'm not moving an inch.”

Kakashi is being trolled. He doesn’t know how that can be, but he knows with utmost certainty that he’s being trolled somehow. OR Kakashi gets saddled with the cheekiest little brats ever and wonders if it's too late to become a missing nin.

Sasuke starts calling Naruto "the missus" behind his back two months after moving in with him. It was, in retrospect, akin to ritual suicide.

An AU oneshot based off of my fic "An Invincible Summer" The Massacre was prevented, and some things stay the same, but a lot of things are different. Mostly that Natsu ends up with a different Uchiha.

When Endeavor finishes delivering his ultimatum, All-Might uses one of his precious minutes in his hero form to punch Endeavor in the face. The force of it sends the number two hero staggering back and into an alley wall, leaving an Endeavor-sized imprint in the bricks. “THAT IS NOT HERO-LIKE BEHAVIOR!” All-Might roars. ~ Endeavor finds out some secrets, and the price of his silence is the marriage of Izuku Midoriya, the anonymous hero Deku, to his youngest son.

After the end of S1, Shiro wakes up in an alternate universe where he pledged allegiance to the Empire.

Peter’s first post-mission Avengers hang out goes about as well as one would expect.

A what if, of a what if... What if the Vongola Tenth Generation were to be raised by Uchiha Madara and Senju Tobirama? Well, for one thing they don't even bother with pretending to be nice people. For another, Madara is born into the Hibari family. Yes. Madara. Also yes. Those Hibari.

In which Minato is a Sky, Obito is his Guardian, and everything gets fucked beyond measure.

Padmé, Anakin, and Obi-Wan are dating. For some reason, the media doesn't know what to make of it. Featuring Ahsoka's Snapchat, Anakin's band The Sith Lords, Satine's talk show, and Quinlan and Luminara starring in Generic Action Hero: European City.

The thing about magic is that you can’t do it by yourself. No one person has enough magic in them to do even a minor casting – you need a coven. Parker knew that about magic, which was why she couldn’t trust it.

The day her mother gives birth to a horse is the day Persephone decides that she really needs a plan.

Of course. The one day he decides to go above ground on his own volition, someone is raring to catch him.

Demeter wishes her daughter to be eternally virgin; gods line up to seek her hand; but no one bothered to ask Persephone what she wanted out of life. A retelling of the abduction myth.

Derek knew the moment he agreed to participate that he was going to regret this.

“Wade and I have a tradition whenever one of us turns out not to be dead.” She smiles at Cable politely. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” “And by dinner, she means bare minimum twelve hours of the most animalistic ravaging of each others’ naughty bits that you can see outside Bangkok, big boy. Really putting the freak in fan-freaking-tastic multi-orgasmic cum-marathon.” “So what do you say?” Cable grinds his jaw for a second, but honestly, who would pass up these A-listers? “Why the hell not?”

Short fics originally posted to my Tumblr, edited and collected here.

Remember this, when Persephone falls: she was earth’s daughter, and the earth swallowed her.

“I can’t even look at you, Clary,” Simon spits, low and accusatory. “I wanted to see you so badly, and now you’re right there, and I can’t even look at you.”

Jace would rather be anywhere else than here - stuck in some alternate dimension with Clary and Simon frigging Lewis. But, unfortunately, he doesn't have a choice. Also, Jace is not okay.

Pick anything the angel said, the Seelie Queen said, and she chose Jace. Anything in the whole world, and she chooses whom she doesn’t have. That isn’t quite complete: she thought she had Simon.

Four people who knew Steven and Andrew were married, and everyone who didn't.

"Steven, that was a horse, it was not a unicorn because unicorns don't exist. Can we please focus on the much larger problem at hand here? We are lost in the Irish countryside with no food, dead phones, and the only person we've seen for hours was a creepy lady in a cart. A cart, Steven. Don't focus on what the crazy cart lady told you, focus on the fact that if we're lost for much longer it won't matter if it was a unicorn or not because I'm gonna find it and I'm gonna eat the fucking horse!" "Whoa," Steven says. "That is the most I've ever heard you modulate your voice, you're really freaked out, huh?"

Anders: So, there must be mages in Tevinter that don't use blood magic. Fenris: Of course. There are slaves. The magisters do not hesitate to collar their own kind. --- Or, the one where Danarius finds out about the blood magic ritual his long time enemy Halward Pavus is planning and things go even worse for Dorian.

He can feel them both everywhere, standing between the two of them like this. He can feel the way the sweat drips down his back, Simon’s breath on his back, the hard surface of the boat under his hands.

Venom indulges Eddie's weirder kinks.

When Venom was quiet, and when he wasn’t shooting giant fucking tentacles out of Eddie’s body, Eddie couldn’t much feel his presence. Occasionally there was a flicker of something: of anger, of hunger. Right now there was nothing. So maybe Eddie had pissed him off. Or—and this was a thought that Eddie had not had before—perhaps he had hurt Venom’s feelings. He lay there, staring at the ceiling and listening to the couple banging next door. She was making a lot of noise. The blood came up his neck and face a little. And then a little more, now he knew that Venom would be able to feel it too.

or, why Eddie Brock can never return to his favorite coffee shop

Eddie briefly recalls some tentacle porn he’d watched just before Venom became a part of him. The copious vines holding her up and entering her every opening simultaneously. Fluids, from her or the monster who could tell, leaking from her mouth and pussy and ass. Oh, Eddie. Venom’s thought shook him, definitely not wanting to take their tongue out his mouth, How’d you keep this from us? Eddie had to be completely honest… he had absolutely no idea how he did either. ~ That good good tentacle fuckin' that Eddie so desperately wanted.

The morning Eddie wakes up with his first hard-on in his post-Venom life, he finds himself at a bit of a loss. -- Learning to get sexy with your symbiote.

Venom had a plan to win Anne back. Eddie vetoed that plan, because it mostly consisted of eating off Dan’s head, which Eddie did not approve of for a number of reasons. The most obvious one was that Dan was a good person who did not deserve to become a snack for the monstrous alien living in Eddie’s body. The one most relevant when considering Venom’s mostly non-existent morality was that Anne would probably not be very happy with them if they bit off her boyfriend’s head. And the final reason, the one that Eddie really hated to admit, was that he kind of really liked Dan.

He noticed the way Clary’s hand would rub soothing lines up and down Simon’s back as they sat in meetings. He would watch, face hot with something like jealousy when Clary would kiss Simon’s cheek whenever she left the room. Jace saw it all. And to be honest, it was probably inevitable that he would start to watch Simon, too.

After a close call, they just need time to readjust.

Eddie is lonely, but he doesn't have to be.

Falling for Magnus Bane is a surprisingly easy thing to do.

It wasn't exactly like he could blame Clary for liking Jace. But “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy you thought was your brother so you don't doubt that my feelings for you are genuine” was a little different than “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy I didn't tell you isn't actually my brother and by the way his kiss is the one I desire most.”

Clary has never been any good at putting things back together. When they were in middle school and she accidentally knocked over Simon’s Lego Millennium Falcon, he’d already known to say it was fine repeatedly and usher her out the door instead of accepting her offer to help him rebuild it; if he’d let her try, the wings would have ended up upside down and there suddenly wouldn't have been space for the engine. Her heart is in the right place, usually, but it doesn't often translate to her hands. So when he hears through the shadow world gossip mill that Alec's parabatai rune disappeared briefly, it doesn't take more than one look at Jace’s face to know that she’s been fucking around with the threads of fate again. And, well. She's never been that great at sewing, either.

“Some ground rules, please,” Magnus began. “Simon, I know you're friends with Isabelle, but please stick to defending her character within your own head. Raphael—” he glanced at him— “don't be deliberately provocative. Understood?” Raphael nodded once in acknowledgement while Simon bobbed his head up and down. “Well then,” Magnus said, extending his arms in a grand gesture, glass in one hand, “let us vent.”

There's a graveyard that shakes with a coup d’etat and a voice in his head saying blood is stronger than love, so he waits with the blood and does not look at the horror in their eyes and does not remember, does not let himself think.

Most nights they stay up later than they meant to, laughing. “It's like a slumber party every day,” Simon says, and Jace smirks and says, “I don't know what kind of slumber parties you went to,” and Maia says, “More than you. I thought Shadowhunters weren't allowed to have fun.”

This might as well happen, right? Get possessed by an alien parasite, save the world, get fucked by an alien parasite… it’s all in the same vein. It’s not like this is any more fucked up than the rest of it.