Kaner wakes up soulbonded to Tazer. Then gay shit happens.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Geno and Ovie move to America. Speaking English all the time is a little difficult; falling head over heels for Sidney Crosby is a lot harder. Especially since Geno can't seem to make himself talk to Sidney to save his life.

Movie nights with Kaner become a thing once they begin to get recognized enough that physically going to the movies means he spends a couple of days waiting for the Deadspin exposé entitled Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane Have Terrible Taste in Movies, Each Other to hit the internet.

His mom had told him not to fall in love with houses; so had his dad, made some crack about them being worse than women, son, while his mom fake-punched him in the arm and then added, "and like people, it's what's underneath that matters, Johnny." But this is the first house he's looked at that he's liked, though he doesn't know why: it's got narrow, pointy windows with stone pieces on the tops like eyebrows, and it sits between its larger, tidier, neighbours like a poor cousin. Johnny thinks it maybe just needs someone to love it; and then he thinks: fuck.

“People who want to eat my grilled cheese for dinner should learn not to interrupt the delicate purchasing process with their unwelcome mockery,” Claude says. Danny and Claude move to Berlin. Nothing really changes, until everything does.

"Yes, Kaner," Sharpy's saying as Jonny sits down next to them with a beer. "It would indeed be gay to measure your teammates' dicks to find out whose is biggest."

“You should come with me, you know,” Kaner says slowly, unclear how many drinks they’ve had at this point, or when they’d actually ditched the rest of the guys at the bar and ended up cabbing it to Johnny’s place. New Moon Shine: Stiles loves new moon nights. That One Time Tazer Got a Black Eye: That one time Tazer got a black eye. It takes an ocean not to break: “Come with you where?” “To the bathroom, Johnny,” Kaner says, rolling his eyes. “To Europe, ass.”

By the fourth time Crosby has hung up on him, Alex has to admit that this has gone from funny to, frankly, a little hurtful.

Kaner tries to fuck his way out of love. That goes as well as you might imagine. That's my summary. But liketheroad's summary is also applicable: In which THERE IS A BACHELOR AUCTION TO SAVE ALL THE PUPPIES OF CHICAGO AND TAZER IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO SAVE THOSE PUPPIES AND KANER TRIES TO FUCK HIS WAY OUT OF LOVE BUT OH TOO BAD FOR YOU KANER, YOU HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS FOR THAT.

25, openly bisexual and even more openly disinclined to stick around for breakfast, blond, and possessed of a college education that passed through 3 Ivies before ending up at a State campus that has a new Kane-funded Economics building, Patrick Kane is an open book. Less of a mystery novel and more of a cartoon pamphlet on avoiding STDs. Jon wishes he’d listened to his mom when she told him George Devereux from down the street had work going in his lawnmower repair business.

It takes 140 characters or less and one absolute fucking moron to change Jon's entire life forever. He should have known all along it would be Kaner. It always is.

In breaking news, surprising no one, Sharpy is a dick.

Tazer gives it a couple of days and the beginning of a visit from Kaner's mom that exiles him back to his own condo before he says, "You're going to need a nanny."

A story about not!Russians, the Atlantis Hockey League, accidental offworld marriages (of course) and the intergalactic sex appeal of the mullet.

Eric Staal's a werewolf. Also he's into Cam.

A barbeque in Manitoba is one thing. Ending up in some freaky soulbond with Nugent-Hopkins is another.

Taylor Hall doesn't think a destroyed slice of chocolate cake, a broken bed and his line-mates wearing his clothes necessarily means anything. The rest of the team don't agree.

That’s when Jordan gets suspicious and figures out what Ryan’s doing. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is aggressively wooing Taylor.

Being an entirely biased and somewhat epic account of things I think are interesting about Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.

Andrew Shaw (aka Shawzer/Shawsy/Sauce/Mutt) is a tiny adorable fighty forward for the Chicago Blackhawks. Getting to the Blackhawks took him a while. It took him three rounds in the draft to get picked; he was passed over completely in his first two years and on his third go, the Blackhawks didn't take him until the fifth round.

Five+one people who assumed Cam and Eric were dating.

"The biceps peeking out of the sleeves, stretching the material thin and tight, are a lot more impressive than Geno remembers. He would have remembered if Sid had arms like that."

Sydney Crosby had never thought that breaking the NHL’s gender barrier was going to be easy. She just hadn’t expected it to be so hard.

The first girl Sid ever falls in love with is named Rachel Forbes. When he first meets her, she’s four weeks old, pink, and squishy-looking. Objectively, she’s kind of ugly, but she’s so tiny when he sees her in the incubator at NICU, and he’s never seen a baby that small.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

[He's gotten good at not touching people, and he knows that his methods are considered weird by the internet and most of the world, but they keep him sane and focused on hockey. It's not so bad on the ice, when hockey's the only thing, and there are inches of pads and cloth between skin and skin. Off ice, he developed a habit of shoving his hands as far into his pockets as they could go, until a PR agent told him in high school that it made him look sullen and untouchable. After that, he took to just barely sticking his fingers in his pockets, a more subtle "don't touch me" that doesn't make him slouch too badly. He's beginning to realize that that the action is possibly more awkward than just sticking his hands all the way into his pockets, but it's habit now, and hard to break.] Or, Sidney is telepathic, which explains 95% of his idiosyncrasies.

Eric’s always been pretty discreet about hooking up with people, Cam can’t remember ever actually seeing him leave with anyone on these team outings. Most of the time he seems perfectly content to hang out with the team, hang out with Cam, even though he could hook up with just about anyone easily enough. Very easily, Cam thinks, a little grimly, as Eric ducks his head a little and the lights catch in his hair.

Sidney Crosby has known a few things for most of his life: he knows that he loves hockey more than anything, he knows that 87 is his lucky number, and he knows that he’s gay.

By the fourth time Crosby has hung up on him, Alex has to admit that this has gone from funny to, frankly, a little hurtful.

“I’ve had that since I was eighteen,” Sidney moans. “My grandma gave it to me after the draft. It’s my good luck necklace.”

Brent doesn't understand why his linemate and roommate is being so weird about his Olympic fling with Johnny Weir.

Geno can't. Sidney won't.

“We should have sober sex,” Patrick says, rolling his neck until it pops loudly. He really should be thinking about getting up off of the floor. “Why would we do that?” Jonny asks, twisting to look down at Patrick like he just suggested that they throw puppies into traffic.

Sidney Crosby gets hit on the head and wakes up with extra memories.

Geno can't. Sidney won't.

So ‘Zhenya’ is a private name. It’s something Sid says to wake Geno up late at night when he’s half-asleep on the couch and needs to be cajoled to bed. It’s something Sid calls him first thing in the morning when Geno's made him breakfast instead of letting Sid eat his sad granola another day. It’s the name Sid whispers when he hugs Geno after a win and tells him he’s proud.

P.K. finally gets Carey to come hang out over the summer.

The third time, Sidney is taking out the trash, and the boy is having a staring match with a raccoon.

Some things are trickier than expected when you've had surgery on both wrists.

It's one thing to know that Kaner and Tazer are weird about each other, and another thing to actually see it. (or: several people who unfortunately had to interact with them, and one time they got to be alone).

In which Sidney Crosby goes for a walk one day, and somehow most of the NHL ends up worshipping a defaced Winnipegian brick. It's all Jonny Toews' fault.

Being telepathic saves a ton of money on phone bills. In which Jeff and Mike develop telepathy after they're traded from Philadelphia.

Sidney groans, because this is ridiculous. “I think I’m having an allergic reaction,” he says.

Sidney's drunk when he orders a Russian bride. He doesn't expect anyone to show up - and he definitely doesn't expect that person to be an awkward-looking guy who barely speaks English.

Wherein Sidney Crosby gets laid, and Russian diplomacy saves the day.

Last week Sidney had said, "We're totally fucked," and started hyperventilating; Geno had made calming noises for the next hour. Then Sidney'd gone out and had to deliver semi-positive soundbites, since apparently he is now the face of the "we can still have a season, please don't give up on us, we are trying so fucking hard" contingent.

Trades suck. One way to avoid them? Marrying your best friend.

Jonathan Toews is a certified, bonafide, pedigreed geek. Luckily he's their geek, so it works out okay.