Orochimaru and his sons crash-land in Karakura. Soul Society is most definitely not prepared for what’s coming.

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

It’s Tōka who finds him, even though he doesn’t want to be found.

“Kid, this is Kurosaki Ichigo,” Kūkaku says, and there's something crafty in her expression that makes her look far too much like Urahara for comfort. “Ichigo, this is Uchiha Obito, resident ninja.” “Ninja?” Ichigo repeats, dropping the attempt at politeness in favor of incredulity. “You mean like a ninja ninja?”

“No,” Obito says, flat and cold. It’s testament to how much she’s hardened over the last year that Hinata doesn’t even blink. She certainly doesn’t waver, feet planted firmly on the other side of the bed and eyes fixed on him. “Do you really think I would come to you if there was any other option?” she asks quietly.

“What do you mean, you’re related to the Nidaime?!” Izumo demands, hands flapping faintly like he can’t decide whether to strangle Kotetsu or flail.

It’s not his proudest moment, but Sakumo takes one look at the newest occupant of the gym and walks into a wall.

“It was science,” Tobirama huffs, turning his glare on Madara. “You left your DNA all over me, Uchiha. I was hardly about to pass up the opportunity.” Obito debates clamping his hands over his ears and humming loudly. He did not need to know that in any shape or form, oh god.

“He’s pretty, isn’t he?” Mito asks thoughtfully.

It’s Jiraiya who brings him the news, bare hours after the decision has been reached.

“Oh?” Orochimaru asks sweetly, trying to judge the room they're in. Some sort of military headquarters, predictably. “They let me keep my doctorates? How kind. But I assume this wasn’t a test of how many low-level guards I could put in the morgue—” “Three,” the younger soldier standing at Danzō’s shoulder cuts in, righteous anger darkening his features. “Three in the morgue, six in the hospital.” “Oh my, you caught me on an off day.” Orochimaru gives the young man his best flirtatious smirk. “Come back tomorrow and I promise, I’ll at least double both counts.” (Or, that Suicide Squad!AU no one asked for and no one wanted, but I wrote anyway. I'm not sorry.)

This is all massively troublesome, damn it, and Shikamaru only has himself to blame.

No one in their right minds would ever expect it of him, and that’s why he’s the one best-suited to the job.

Genma’s last memory of Uchiha Obito is from childhood so many years ago, a boy with a bright smile, always willing to help no matter the consequences, with an ego just a size too large and dreams he hadn’t yet grown into. It is, he thinks, a stark contrast to now.

Aka everyone is a superhero or a sidekick or a damsel in distress in true comic style. Includes terrible hero names, almost everyone wearing spandex (Sakumo why must you be sensible and break the mold you nerd), ridiculousness, secret identity fails, and all of my favorite crack pairings. I would be sorry, but that would require a sense of shame and I misplaced mine long ago.

Shisui is done. Gone. That’s it for him, he’s toast. (Or, Shisui is in love. Naruto is mostly oblivious. Everyone else is entirely convinced that Shisui is a creeper.)

Maes wakes up in the Elemental Countries after his death, and promptly gets into trouble. Genma gets him out of it.

The irresistible troll vs. the immovable hothead - fight!

Kiba's probably the only emotionally well-adjusted member of the Konoha 12, and he's been aware of that for a while. He never thought that would qualify him for time travel, though.

If this airship lasts through one more round of Fire Country, it will be a miracle, Orochimaru thinks.

“Twenty years,” Orochimaru says, cupping Sakumo's cheek, even though there's nothing soft in his expression. “Twenty years of looking for a way to bring you back, not just find you again. And all it took was a little boy with a handful of inspiring words.”

"Oh, fuck me," is the first thing Izuna says upon opening his eyes.

There's a man hiding in the eaves of his porch. Sakumo blinks, tips his head, but the image doesn’t change. A shinobi in a Konoha uniform has somehow managed to stuff himself into the corner of the roof, entirely out of sight from practically everywhere except the spot Sakumo is currently standing. "Can I help you?" he asks bemusedly.

As a last resort, they finally send Mikoto to talk to her. Kushina's not impressed, even though she has to admire their tenacity. They’ve tried three different elders, the woman who works at the ramen stand she likes almost as much as Teuchi’s, and Fugaku. Apparently, after the utter failure of that last one, they're attempting to pull out all the stops.

Fate has always had a love-hate relationship with the members of Team 7, and Sai is just now realizing that's he's most definitely not exempt.

For a prompt on my Tumblr: shisui trying very hard not to stare at utakata's chest and Those Pecs and Abs and Everything Hes Gorgeous Help and utakata mistaking it for being curious about his pipe and starts infodumping about his bubbles

Caught in the act of digging through the hall closet, presumably in his quest to find Zabuza, Gai spins, already beaming. “Yosh! Are you prepared for our day of challenges and manly combat?” For a long moment Zabuza stares at him. Then, carefully, he takes a deep breath and growls, “No. I have my own plans. I bought a massive dildo and I'm going to go stuff it up my ass until my arm gets tired. So unless you want to help me get off, you should fuck off.”

Of all the wonderful things to come out of peace talks, Tobirama relishes Izuna's jealousy the most.

A threat to the Vongola forces the Family to scatter, and pushes Hibari and Gokudera together as they hunt for an enemy that's far more widespread and cunning than anyone gave them credit for.

“You sure you want to do this?” Tōka asks, doesn’t let her gaze waver from the mercenary with a gun to her cousin’s head. Her own are completely steady, and she doesn’t miss a step as she turns, following the woman’s retreat deeper into the cave. “Sorry, Tōka,” Mito says, and the tone is light but there's a look in her eyes that Tōka is fairly sure is rueful. “I'm too pretty to stay in prison for the rest of my life."

“I’m starting to think all those rumors about the Hatake were true,” Orochimaru manages to get out, half an instant before he’s landing on his hands and knees on a thin bedroll, hands already tearing at his robes.

“Look at you,” Zabuza says, lazy and languid, and when Utakata flicks his eyes up he’s watching intently, legs spread wide, breath coming hard. His grip tightens in Utakata's hair, but there’s no pressure behind it. “Fuck, you helped overthrow the Mizukage and then just dropped to your knees. Makes a man wonder.”

Tenten's kiss is sticky-sweet and traced with copper, and Sakura just wants to devour her.

“Over your desk?” Kiba says, lazily amused. “Shikamaru's gonna kill you.”

“Back from your mission already?” Orochimaru asks slyly, and the grip on his hair is too tight for him to turn his head, but he can see the fall of white hair reflected in the mirror on the far wall, can smell the crushed-leaf and dark-earth scent of the man, touched with sweat and metal. “I'm two days late,” Sakumo says into the nape of his neck, and the hand slides from his side up to the collar of his robe.

“You sure you want to do this?” Kurama rumbles. Underneath him, Shisui makes a strangled sound, sucking in a hard breath and squeezing his eyes shut. “Oh gods, please don’t do the voice thing or there won't be anything to do.”

“Can you take a little more?” Hashirama murmurs, and there's a whisper of something else beneath the velvet of his voice, heady and heavy like the power that curls across his skin, and Obito shudders, moans.

Aoba is going to die, but goddamn what a fucking way to go.

“You know,” Zabuza gets out on a laugh, “I didn’t think you had it in you.” Kakashi shoves his knee up higher, slams into him so hard it makes Zabuza gasp. “I'm not the one with it in me,” he says mildly.

With a trembling breath, Genma pries his fingers off of Kurama’s skin, reaches up and strokes a hand through Raidō’s hair. Every muscle feels like water, but when Raidō smiles at him he smiles back, cups a hand around the back of Kurama’s head, and gets out, “A plus on your first threesome. Excellent job, top marks. Holy fuck.”

Dino picks a different side before the Ring Battles. Xanxus approves.

Obito gets lost on the way back to the afterlife.

Greed is definitely not where he used to be, and the fact that he’s alive was a big clue there. Not like there’s been any research done on what happens to a Homunculus when they die, but Greed had rather been expecting nonexistence. “Well, fuck,” he says, and hopes that Father’s end was as painful as Edward’s imagination could make it.

Mei laughs, rich and throaty, and takes the glass from her, tilting it up to her lips and taking a long swallow. Then, perfectly careless, she drops it over the arm of the chair to shatter on the floor, gaze never wavering from Kushina. “How about I help you in return, sweetheart? That dress looks uncomfortable. Take it off.”

“That’s the best you could do for a disguise?” Shikamaru huffs, but his fingers are digging into Kiba's hips through the thin fabric.

There's a hard cock nestled between his legs and soft lips on the back of his neck, and Kagami groans, catching the hand splayed over his stomach and lacing their fingers. “Good morning to you too,” he gasps, and Tobirama hums into his shoulder.

Maybe getting dragged all the way from Wave to Konoha won't turn out to be such torture after all.

For a prompt on my Tumblr: de-aged oro???? he was such a cute kid and i can just see everybody going wtf.

“Look at you,” Shisui says admiringly, rocking back on his heels and surveying his prize. Sequel to 'if you can find that leap of faith', but entirely plotless.

There's a monster whispering in Minato's head, curled around his soul. It’s vast and hungry and full of fury, radiates it and basks in it and lets it spill over through the bars that cage it. If Minato had one ounce more energy, he would rage too, but— Anger is a luxury right now, an indulgence. He can't afford it.